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THE ANTI NEWS - THE APPARENTLY ISSUE 6-8-07
Gordon Dalton
Apparently, Ecstasy can affect your memory..
New season, new strip, new badge, new sponsor, new high security CIA sponsored season tickets and new potentially good signings. you would think there is a revolution going on at the Riverside. Well, Anti-News isn't one to burst any bubbles, because Anti-News likes bubbles more than Michael Jackson, but I'm afraid there is no revolution. We are still your same old friendly neighbourhood Boro.
What has happened is that Mr Gareth, in the style of of his sartorial heroes Spinal Tap, has been wandering around backstage at La Riv shouting 'Hello Cleveland!' for what seemed an eternity, and has only just found his office.
You will have also noticed that there is a new, better looking, younger, fitter, happier writer at the helm of your weekly Anti-News. And so, with a potbelly full of lies, hair styling tips and a faint grip on reality, I am proud to type the words every writer wants to type.
LET'S DO THIS!
And would you believe it, it was him, Hutchence, hanging there with his John Thomas out. Well whaddya do. I legged it outta there quicker than you could say 'you dont see Danny Baker on TV much these days'.
Once settled into his office Mr Gareth found Gibbo and Lamby on speed dial and added Saville Row Tank Top Tailors and the local Pizza Hut number. He had over 300 messages, mostly from his personal hairdresser, Ugo, from Rough Cutz.
The rest were from Mark Viduka screaming 'I only want another fiver a week'; Abel Xavier sobbing and Sir Alex saying he would throw in twenty litres of hair bleach with Alan Smith. Pah! Abel left loads and Andrew Davies has a deal with Domestos. That's the real reason Smith went to the Skunks. Oh, and David Beckham called about something.
Peter Ustinov once told me that you should never start something you couldnt finish. So i popped him one in the chops, jumped on my horse and was outta there quicker than Huggy Bear on speed.
As Mr Gareth mulled over his mullet in his full-length mirror, he noticed some strange writing in lipstick on the back wall of his office. NOSIRROM SEMAJ YALP. Now, Anti-News has deciphered this message, and indeed made it up, but Mr Gareth has instructed his scouts to find this player, and sharpish, with the thinking that if he can break into the bosses office, graffiti on the wall then I'm sure he could do a job for us on the right.
And Elton Welsby said "Wanna biscuit, gimme biscuit" and we all laughed.
Whilst idly shaving my fingers into sharpened points whilst watching Setanta Sports, I've often wondered what happened to the Golf Balls at RAF Fylingdales. These iconic structures were said to be tracking the movement of every badass in the world, and were a potential target for any nuclear strike on the UK. Then, one day, they were gone. Its obvious now that a one Mr S Gibson bought them up, spent a decade miniaturising the technology, buying a football club and inserting them into Boro's brand new spanking credit card style RFID season tickets.
He is selling the results of this tracking intelligence to the highest bidder, and will use the funds to buy some Egyptian B-team substitutes. Any potential terrorists or government agent who fancy knowing the habits of your average Boro fan on a Saturday should just come to me. Get up, put on shirt, go to pub, go to match, buy a pie, burn roof of mouth, go back to pub, and collapse in a Parmo.
Hardly a new world order is it? Anti-News can't see a crack squad of commandoes crashing through a Bells' Store window to arrest anyone, although if Yakuba insists on buying those Ginsters, Let's Roll!
They said they'd never seen one that shape before. I'm quite used to it now though, most days I place a handkerchief over it.
Tuncay Sanli has been widely hailed as a great signing, mainly on the back of a few You Tube compilation videos. Now, even Anti-News got carried away when he saw Tuncay in action in his first training session, coincidentally also captured on You Tube. But once the affects of holding my breath through the floods wore off, I calmed down and reassessed (it was only Seb Hines he skinned).
We all wish Tuncay the best of luck in Boro red, but I could film the local U-12s, edit it all together and post it on You Tube and I'm sure I'd be getting offers. Probably from undesirables, but if I had a drift, I'm sure you'd be catching it. Give the lad until Xmas and judge him then. Even Dong Gook will be firing on all cylinders by then, and if he isn't, he can go share stories with fellow dog lover, the NFL's Michael Vick.
So I said " No fuckin way Geldof, not for all the mung beans in Africa."
Whilst obviously over enthusiastic at writing my first Anti-News column, I shall end it here, mainly because I have less gags than Lindsay Lohan has hot meals. So, to finish, a few predictions: Boro will finish thirteenth. This is the law of physics, and if broken, the world will spin off its axis and crash into the Mars.
The Big Four get sick of being the Big Four and decide to be called The Really Massive Big Four, Ner Ner, Ner. No one gives two hoots, apart from Spurs who finish fifth.
The Tevez trauma continues, with the FA deciding that he must play in his own team, managed by Kia Joorabchian. They boot Derby out of the Premier League to make way, and fix it for Manchester United to win the league and for West Ham never, ever, to get relegated.
That's it, I've had enough, no more of this silliness, this is crazy. It just makes no sense. There's no point to it. I'd only come in for a poo.
So, like a Fabio Rochembach thirty-yarder, its onwards and upwards. Lets have no talk of transitional seasons, no players fitting in, let's get into 'em and whilst maybe not inserting genitalia into the opposition, let's show some proper Boro passion.. Cheer up, it'll be Christmas soon.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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