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THE ANTI NEWS - THE TONY WILSON RIP ISSUE 13-8-07
Gordon Dalton
When you have to choose between truth and legend, ... I say choose the legend.
Having feasted on football over the weekend, Anti-News is feeling as bloated as Pina Zahavi's bank balance. However, having watched the predictable collapse of Boro's season in ninety minutes, Anti-News needs to purge more than a bulimic in a Toblerone factory. So, after ingesting far too much of Sky and Setana, let the vomiting commence.
Let's do this.
I am not a piece of hash. I'm in charge of Factory Records. I think.
Fingering my way through the diced carrots, our beloved Boro would be wise to heed Anti-News' long held views on tactics if we are to balance above the precipice that is the bottom three this season. When will Gibson & Co listen to my absolutely credible and in no way ridiculous theory that the only way Boro will progress is if a transfer policy is written up and put in a file saying Ridiculously Flamboyant Names and Great/Stupid Haircuts.
The powers that be should make it compulsory for any Boro player to have at least one of these attributes, and if they don't comply they should be sold quicker than Ben Johnson running away from Superdrug.
Jazz is the last refuge of the untalented. Jazz musicians enjoy themselves more than anyone listening to them does.
Look at the evidence. Last season, Andrew Davies showed real potential for the future whilst sporting what were possibly three haircuts at the same time. At least one of these was roadkill, possibly a peroxide badger who'd had a run in with a 4x4.
The others belonged to a mismarriage of Beckham offcuts and Bert the Blind Barber of Billingham. On Saturday he had a perfectly sensible (for him) hairdo and looked like wee Jimmy Krankie could outjump him. If Chris Riggot doesn't make a quick return to follicle madness we will have to send out Woody, Poga and Huth in go faster striped wheelchairs.
Energy, energy? Energy is, is, it's nothing more than a lot of new age hokum masquerading as religion.
The opposition had plenty of flamboyant hair but got extra points for Santa Cruz, which is the sort of name that pops up in the credits for Mexican skin flicks. Everyone should have Santa Cruz as a surname as it would make them 300 more times appealing to the opposite sex, and probably the vast majority of their own.
Stewart Santa Cruz would be crowned best player in the country and James Morrison Santa Cruz (RIP) wouldn't have to pretend to like wearing a kilt and eating haggis on his magnificent return to the Boro. Instead of piffling about trying to sign rubbishly named players such as Alan Smith (pffft!), Gibson should be spending his money on deed poll applications for the entire team just to jazz things up a bit.
I'm a minor player in my own life story.
Sven Goran Erriksson obviously reads Anti-News religiously and has based his entire team philosophy on it with immediate benefits. Mwaruwari and the brilliantly named Utaka hit the net for Portsmouth and even the giftedly average Ulysses De La Cruz would walk into my first team selection, although that's more because as a Jermaine Jackson lookalike he could do the half time entertainment as well.
Obviously there are exceptions to Anti-News' admittedly flawed plan. Fabio Rochemback has a great name and a silly haircut but still manages to make digging up a dead donkey, painting it red and playing it in midfield sound like a perfectly reasonable idea. Which of course, it is.
Being Boro, we would have to find a three-legged dead donkey with a drinking problem, pay it lots of money and watch it grow fat. Not unlike the other major exception, the not-so-much-goal-shy-as-goal-allergic Yakubu.
Every band needs it's own special chemistry. And Bez was a very good chemist.
Lamb and Gibson need to be more like our strike force and think outside the box. Admittedly, Mr Gareth is doing his best with possibly the best haircut in the world, ever. Julio Arca is one of our better players, mainly as he has great hair, a great name and a twinkle in his eyes that can drop knickers at fifty paces. Tuncay and Ali-how-do-you-spell-it-dierelalererere are the way forward. Mido would be a good addition for the headline writers and I'm pretty sure there is a 'spectacular' signing around the corner, hopefully one whose parents were drunk at the christening and had a blatant disregard for vowels.
And if he has a haircut that makes Abel Xavier look like one of the more conservative members of 80's pop flouncers A Flock of Seagulls then all the better, because without such buffoonery it is going to be one hell of a long hard season.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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