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THE ANTI NEWS - THE WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN ISSUE 20-8-07
Gordon Dalton
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Anti news, like most Boro fans, spent the week in a very bad mood. Any radically over-exaggerated notions of European follies were soon extinguished by possibly the most feeble excuse for ninety minutes in many a good year when Boro caught the cross-country train to Wigan.
Many beers and pies were quaffed, mainly by Yakuba who spent ninety minutes fannying around like a fanny auditioning for the fanny factor. Having died on his arse, or falling on his arse, the 34 year old 'striker' failed the audition and looks like he is destined for Evertonian climes.
So, walking like an Egyptian, Anti News says.
LETS DO THIS!
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."
This week, Anti News, in a rare twist of fate, is concerned only with facts. So firstly, let me introduce our new, brilliantly named, quite a good-looking lad, and inexplicably not afraid to shoot, MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Egypt fact one: Girls who have been to Egypt grow inexplicably big toes. These are useful for scratching the balls of their feet and wearing 'Mido Is Mint' scarves.
Ef2: The dung of 2000BC Egyptian crocodiles was used as a contraceptive. Sales of dogshit on Linthorpe Road have increased 200% since Mido signed. The pregnancy rate on Teesside has gone up by 1%.
Ef3: Deep in the bowels of a pyramid, probably in Egypt, there is a statue that looks a bit like Mr Gareth. It was probably, maybe, made by Mido's Grandad.
Ef4: The Nile is based on an early version of the River Tees. Honest.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
In other Anti-News, professional numpty Wayne Rooney broke his foot just after this correspondent had polished off a Sunday dinner. The rouge complexioned Ferguson blamed a new fandangled boot design, which would be a fair point if he hadn't ignored Shrek's pie infamy and his abilty to get fractured at the merest sight of a tackle.
National Express coach driver Steve McClaren almost had an opinion, but was bamboozled by Jamie Redknapp, who really should be the next Prime Minister. What this country needs is more bland inexplicable spin doctored dullness. With J. Redknapp in charge, there would be no poverty, no third world debt and no global warming. Basically, if Redkanpp was in charge, a flood just wouldn't be arsed.
The whole world is in revolt. Soon there will be only five Kings left - the King of England, the King of Spades, the King of Clubs, the King of Hearts, and the King of Diamonds.
Speaking of global warming, Anti News uncovered NASA evidence that the globe's current weather based problems are not in fact caused by Fabio Rochembach's emissions, but are just a natural sixty year cycle of events. This is worrying news, especially as it means the Skunks might actually win a trophy and that Boro are actually doomed to signing anyone who might have been on holiday to foreign climes.
In fact, being Boro, we all know we are doomed to an eternal pit of misery, cup finals or no cup finals, and only Chris Kamara's tie selection can cheer us up.
You are born of my mother Yocheved! You are our brother!
Some sweet relief came at Fulham, mainly due to a referee who made Helen Keller look like an eagle eyed, erm, eagle. Mido looked homosexually good in a Boro shirt, which made Tuncay jealous to the point of being a bit rubbish. His highlights won't make You Tube but Christ, an away win is an away win.
Anti News was so happy I stopped throwing darts at the Boro calendar in which, inexplicably, August is illustrated with Tony McMahon, Jason Euell and James Morrsion. Not so much a case of the good, the bad and the ugly but the good, the bad and the gone.
Mud... Sand... Water... Straw. Faster! Mud... and lift... sand... and pull... water... and raise up! Straw... Faster!
So, despite assembling a group of exotically good-looking players (and Lee Cattermole), Boro are heading into a Parisian tunnel followed by hungry paparazzi. This season is going to be car crash central. Belts on lads and lasses, enjoy the ride.
And with that.
GET YOUR FREE MIDO WALLPAPER RIGHT HERE
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
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