|
 |
THE ANTI NEWS - THE LA CONFIDENTIAL ISSUE 4-9-07
Gordon Dalton
Off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush...
Proof, if proof was needed, that we have slipped into a parallel universe came, like Anti News, thick and fast this week. Not only did Fabio Rochemback receive the plaudits against Newcastle, he scored a '25-yard screamer' against the mighty Cobblers.
Anti News was forced to swallow some rather unpleasant pride and stop calling it a scuffed fluke. If that wasn't enough, dog worrying Dong Gook managed not only to get a touch, but scored a corker. OK, the marking was like an albino zebra but if this carries on we will be in the Champions League by Christmas. In this universe anyway.
Lets Do This.
Something has to be done, but nothing too original, because hey, this is Hollywood.
Talking of parallel universes, Anti News is heading for warmer climes this month as Hollywood beckons. Tom Cruise managed to change his Viagra sponsored perma-grin for two seconds and asked Anti News over for brunch, a chat about Scientology and how he can keep that pesky Posh garden hoe off his lawn.
I'm all for a bit of scran, and hey, Battlefield Earth wasn't that bad (next to Vanilla Sky anyway) but Anti-News draws the line at chasing plastically plumped up scrag ends like VB across the pools of the Hollywood Hills.
Luckily, hubby Dave has done Tom a favour by royally buggering up his LA chances by going into a tackle softer than an erectile dysfunction. Never mind what this means for Tom, LA Galaxy and England. What it does mean is that Dave is pulling a fast one so he can go on tour with the Steroid Girls and be a (bigger) diva.
His rider currently consists of ten packets of M&Ms (with all of the colours taken out); fresh orchids (really rare ones that he saw in an episode of Lost); thirty million air miles and a subscription to Big Soft Overpaid Has-Beens Weekly. If there is a God, he probably looks like bum face Richard Branson, who will sign Dave for the new Uranus football league. Dave will do his rentaquote about how Uranus needs him, and Tom Cruise will probably do the same.
Unless you came in here to wipe my ass, I believe we're through.
In exclusive news, Anti News has had exclusive access to Mr Exciting Andrew Taylor's exclusive new autobiography, which I can exclusively reveal here in the first of an exclusive new serialisation:
Monday: Had some toast for breakfast. Went a little bit mad and had some Marmite on it. I like Marmite. Put on some new socks. I like socks. Went to training. I like training, Mr Gareth makes us run around in big circles. I like running around in big circles.
Tuesday: Had some toast for breakfast.
Stomach of the week. Unemployed actor had frankfurter, french fries, alcohol, and sperm. Hell of a last supper, don't you think?
The transfer window was shut with nary a squeak and Anti News is sad to report that we didn't sign an entire new team of brilliantly named players who would fill up the rest of this paragraph with puns.
We really should have blown the bloody doors off and signed Peter Crouch. Just for the novelty factor of having a striker with cheekbones. As much as we all adore Mido, if he is 12-stone then I am Karen Carpenter. Anyway, we signed Tenko extra and Crouch's mini-me Gary O'Neill.
Speaking to Anti News, Mr Gareth didn't explain his transfer policy thus. "We really had to get rid of some players, mainly as they were overweight layabouts, but also because they provided quite a large target for Mido's scissor throwing game. The emergence of pinhead David Wheater and the signing of pipe cleaner look-alike Gary O'Neill will dramatically reduce the number of visits to Middlesbrough General, although Rochemback's pockmarked arse will never be the same again. Well, apart from bloody massive obviously."
You're like Santa Claus with that list, Bud, except everyone on it's been naughty.
Anti News was in a solemn mood this week, mainly in mourning at the shocking unexpected news that Princess Diana had died. I lit a candle, put on some Elton and watched the round the clock service mournfully. So many sad faces.
I went through thirty copies of the Daily Express, cutting out the pics to make a memorial gown. Unfortunatley, someone said she had actually died ten years ago, and not just last week.
I jumped in shock, lit my newspaper gown on the candle and burnt the hairs off my previously hirsute ass. I haven't been this shocked since Rochemback strung two half decent performances together. They were against two very poor teams, so lets not get too excited.
Hopefully Boro are playing a Stephen Hawking Utd and the Douglas Bader XI next. Rest In Peace Di, you were the people's Princess (ten years ago). Rocky, keep it up son and you won't get shipped out to Arbuckle United in January.
If Britney would paint her ass green, I'm sure you could spot green asses all over LA as soon as the word was out.
If these shocks weren't enough to keep Anti News hooked to a defibrillator all weekend, then the recall of Emile Heskey to the England Squad had me shaking like Michael J Fox in an earthquake.
Now, I don't bear Steve McClaren any ill will. European memories and silverware spare him my hatred. But EMILE FUCKING HESKEY! This shows how close the inevitable sight of Heskey in Boro red really is.
As for SMAC, well, he might as well have bought some rope, anti-depressants, a shotgun and handed out coffin nails to everyone at the FA. So long SMAC, it's back to the National Express office for you son.
Obviously this means that Mr Gareth will be England manager by Xmas, and we will be managed by, oh God, oh no.. Steve McClaren, who will sign.. Emile Heskey and David Beckham. Nurse!
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
|
|
|
|
