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THE ANTI NEWS - THE ACES HIGH ISSUE 10-9-07
Steve Goldby
With Gordon Dalton away and presumably swanning around the whisky houses and brothels of some far flung county in the USA, the pleasure of penning this cult (i.e. not that many people like it) piece of quality weekly literature is all mine this week.
And there's a bumper assortment of topics to get through ranging from Boro's luckless display against West Ham, 'Lucky' Steve McClaren's cold war with Guus 'tax, drugs and rock 'n' roll' Hiddinck and a lesson in honesty from Sven 'Pinocchio' Eriksson.
So without further ado...
Let's do this...
"You must be much braver boy, than you ever dreamed, or your world will be destroyed, by the small and mean. You must stand and fight them hard, you must never run. You must be a shining star and do what must be done."
Shell-shocked Boro boss Gareth Southgate, who lost Jeremie Aliadiere to a hamstring injury, admitted his side paid the price for a lethargic start to the second half at Upton Park on Saturday.
"We sat down at half-time thinking we had done well. We'd weathered a bit of a storm and I couldn't see anything between the sides," Southgate told East End local rag 'The Cockney Get'.
"But they have effectively won the game in the first five minutes of the second half. It's a harsh lesson for us, we didn't get out of the blocks in the second half, but we'll learn from it."
"I'm not going to bring any criticism out of the dressing room. We got plenty of pats on the back after our last game, but this time, five or ten minutes has cost us."
I remember a few seasons ago when Manchester United were slaughtered 6-3 at Southampton and Alex Ferguson blamed the club's new away strip for the defeat.
It's not too late to ditch the gold shorts Gareth and this your perfect opportunity to do it.
"Free your soul and let it fly. Give your life to the Lord of Light. Keep your secrets and rain on me. All I see are mysteries."
Middlesbrough chairman Sir Steve Gibson has rejected Trevor Brooking's claims that overseas players are harming the national side's chances of success.
"I think we need to be brighter in our approach and our thinking as to why England is so far behind," said Gibson.
"It is wrong to see the foreign players as a threat. We should be looking to learn from them. This country still produces excellent footballers. We just don't produce excellent teams."
There was a big temptation to manipulate the revered chairman's words so they read 'The problem with the England set-up is not foreign players Trevor. It's half-asses like you in the FA who are the problem.'
But we decided not to.
"Fly on your way like an eagle. Fly as high as the sun."
Gareth Southgate attended a fan's forum last week and was inevitably asked about the Yakubu situation.
"The one thing which cannot happen at a club is when you have a player who is unsettled to the point where it affects his performances on the field," said Southgate, who played the lazy Nigerian for his final 3,268 goalless Boro games.
"That's the position where we'd got to with Yakubu. Emotionally he was struggling, and at Wigan he gave a performance that was below his own standards. When that happens, it's the right time to get the best possible deal for the club."
Apparently, Bernie Slaven was not invited to the aforementioned fan's forum.
"Mother Russia how are you sleeping, middle winter cold winds blow, from the trees the snowflakes drifting, swirling round like ghosts in the snow."
After England's triple win at football, cricket and rugby last weekend, it was down to Steve McClaren's England to fly the flag during the week as the cricketers were humbled by the Aussies and the egg-chasers meakly surrendered the Rugby World Cup at the hands of South Africa.
'Lucky' McClaren had a tremendous week, outflanking his critics, humbling Guus Hiddink, putting England back on track for Euro 2008 qualification and giving the nation something to feel proud about for the first time since the defeat of France at the Battle of Agincourt in 1415.
And McClaren, perked up and buoyant again after luckily stumbling upon a new lucky formation and luckily re-discovering that an old strike partnership still works is now backing Owen to break Sir Bobby Charlton's record of fourty-nine goals for England.
"As long as we can keep creating chances for Michael I can't see why he shouldn't break Sir Bobby's record," said the lucky one.
Hopefully McClaren will stumble, by chance, across the fact that Stuart Downing is the best player capable of providing the service for Owen to achieve the record. Or maybe, he just clean forgot to add his name to the team-sheet on Wednesday night?
"Why should these curses be laid upon me, I won't be forgiven 'til I can break free. What did I do to deserve all this guilt, pay for my sins, for the sale of my soul."
There's big problems in the Ireland camp at the moment with Steve Staunton's job hanging by a thread. Bookies are already taking bets on who will be the next Ireland boss but whether it makes a difference to Stephen Ireland is another matter.
Ireland told the Irish FA that one of his grandparents had died, so that he could 'get out' of playing for his country.
Ireland plays for Manchester City, whose manager, none other than that stalwart of English football, Sven Goran Eriksson had plenty to say on the situation.
"Whatever problems you have in life, you must stick close to the truth when you speak about them," said Eriksson, who narrowly avoided (it would have cost too much) dismissal for gross misconduct for telling outrageous porkies when masquerading as England manager.
"Do not come with lies - that is stupid. I am very disappointed with Stephen."
So now the Fake Sheikh is off Eriksson's case, presumably the Truth Fairy has taken up residence in the Swede's 'house of morals'.
And games of 'truth and dare' are apparently the favourite training exercise at the City of Manchester Stadium these days.
"So there is no better time, who will be born today, a gypsy child at the day break, a King for a day"
Stand by for the visit of Roy of the Mackems and his merry band of travelling men next week. Keane will undoubtedly be a great manager one day, as will Gareth, but whatever Keane achieves, his story will always be tainted for me by the images of him stamping on Southgate in a clash between Aston Villa and Manchester United when the Premiership was in it's infancy.
If Keane had done this on Linthorpe Road on a Saturday night he would have done five years.
I hope that Gareth hasn't forgotten the incident and gets his revenge by kicking seven shades of shit out of him on the touchline next Saturday.
We don't condone violence at all but this would certainly be one of the most memorable incidents of our whole football supporting lives.
No, make that lives, end of.
Gordon Dalton returns to the Anti-News next week.
And with that...
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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