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THE ANTI NEWS - THE STRIKER ISSUE 1-10-07
Gordon Dalton
Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new role-playing game ever since my Lord Of The Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?
Having just returned from a three week road trip across the USA, Anti-News is pretty sure of three things: I don't have a bloody clue who or what an Avram Grant is, war with Iran is a forgone conclusion, and the Middlesbrough strike force has less bite than a toothless vegan at a Spam factory.
So, like Britney Spears being invited to be special guest at the 2nd Annual Blow Job Conference.
Let's do this.
Are you really trying to tell me that things like, New Orleans, AIDS, sugar free ice cream, crack babies, Hugh Jackman, and cancer all happen for a reason? Because I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just not buying that
Good strikers are currently as rare as an Iranian Homosexualist. Never is this more obvious when you look at the current England team. Steve McClaren can currently be found in shopping centres up and down the country offering a bag of sweets and a ride in his car to anybody who has ever kicked a football and bears a passing resemblance to Emile Heskey.
There have been very few interested punters, other than Emile Heskey himself, but he couldn't get his considerably large bum in Smac's Hummer. In a rare case of sensitivity, Anti-News refuses to rhyme Bummer with Hummer.
This thing was bigger than a bomb. It's more like an asteroid about to hit the planet. You know, people running in the middle of the streets like, "Oh my God, it's coming right at us!". Then dudes turn to hot chicks and are like, "Look, we 'bout to die, so could I hit that?" And the girl's like "Hell no!". But then realizes, "Oh my God, I'm about to die. So you know what, yes you can hit this, but no kissing."
Elsewhere, Doctors have currently predicted that Michael Owen will be fit some time in 2038, where he will be immediately recalled to the England and Skunks starting line up playing alongside Alan Shearer Jnr. He will no doubt score a hat trick and get transferred for $6m dollars to LA Galaxy, where they nickname him. 'useless pint sized munter with twigs for legs and jelly cubes for a hernia'.
Anti-News suggests changing immigration laws to allow anybody of Polish descent to be able to play for England. That, or get Pele to O.D on Viagra and get a white shirt on his back.
Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peac**k feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for thank you. Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked them big and hairy.
Boro's frontline is nothing to pull down your trousers, wave your willy about and shout 'Praise be I have seen the light'. Obviously Anti-News does this anyway, but it would be nice to be able to chant 'MIDO!' without adding 'getyerarseingearyoufatdisinterestedlardarse'.
Honestly, if he stood next to Fat-io Rochemback it would be like a rematch between Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks. Just what is it about the Boro shirt that turns promising strikers into pork pie lovers who have an aversion to running not seen since Douglas Bader said 'ooh my leg hurts'.
It's a sad day when you are pinning your hopes on Aliadieiieire coming back into the team. As for the Gook, Anti-News has put more faith than you can ever imagine into liking the Korean.
I have lost many a bet, but I put my shirt and a whole lot more on him scoring against Everton, only to see him miss sitters and get substituted. Anti-News now thinks the Gook has something against me and is missing on purpose.
Why don't you hop aboard the "What's Up Dr Cox's Butt Trolly" and we can begin our tour. Coming up on the left is my bloated, bed ridden ex-wife that's not allowed to lift a finger, which thankfully leaves it all up to these guys [Dr Cox shows his hands]. Now, if you'll look to your right, you'll see my waning libido, my crushed soul and my very last nerve, which I would advise you not to get on, under or even close to.
This combined with Mr Gareth's assurances of 'attractive football' (overpaid, overweight fancy dans doing flicks and tricks that never come off) make Anti-News think that Xmas may be a good time to get a road map of how to get to Coventry and Crystal Palace.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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