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THE ANTI NEWS - THE YO MOMMA'S SO FAT ISSUE 8-10-07
Gordon Dalton
In times of worry, Anti News likes to comfort itself with gin, chocolate and cheap sexual thrills. So you can imagine that this week has been a bit George Michael, aka a Careless Wispa, with Boro rocking on the ropes of life's proverbial boxing ring.
With this in mind, Anti News has been glancing over its hirsute shoulders at other sports, hoping to find thrills cheaper than Primark knickers.
Let's do this.
Yo Momma's so fat that her belly button makes an echo
Although it seems the Rugby World Cup has being going on since time began, Anti News has avoided the oval testicle game like a swarm of leprosy infected Sky Sports presenters.
However, it seems that some minor ripples of excitement swept the country when England fluked their way past Australia, who'd obviously been on the lash.
Jonny Wilkinson remained injury free for however long a game lasts but Anti News had drifted off in boredom.
Good
luck to the lads and all that but Anti News will watch the semi-final thinking of 80 ways to disembowel Dong Gook Lee.
Yo Momma's so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
Elsewhere, it seems the modern male and a few groupies still get a kick out of watching computerised cars speed round a race track.
Now Anti News likes Scalextric as much as the next person, but the real thing is about as exciting as Andrew Taylor's sex life, which frankly could do with an injection of dwarf hookers, a quarry full of crack and the Lithuanian Sexaholic Basketball team.
I'm sure Lewis Hamilton is a very nice person, but until he gets some personality and the looks of Niki Lauda, Simon Weston and Bryan Adams, he will be as dull as the people on the Isle of Dull.
Yo momma's so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
This week sees The Pride of Britain awards, Anti News' favourite TV programme, now that the X Factor auditions have finished.
Despite being hosted by the drunken duck billed Platypus that is Carol Vorderman, there is nothing better than seeing disadvantaged kids crying as they pick up a piece of plastic tat for pulling out their entire family from a burning car or fighting disease whilst getting twenty A levels despite having no head.
It's a real tearjerker and comes as a real distraction to the football season.
Anti News can't ignore the footy forever, despite Boro's flirtation with the excitement of relegation. England roll out of the treatment room this week and things don't look too good.
Like a bulimic with diarrhoea, England has problems at both ends. Paul Robinson currently couldn't catch a sexual disease if he was living in Britney Spear's knickers and is dropping balls quicker than the male cast of Grange Hill.
He should get himself down to Specsavers pronto, before David James is pranging forwards and flapping at balls with such gusto it would make Mark Schwarzer look like Dino Zoff.
Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World
The most shocking news came last week at the state of Mr Gareth's new barnet. If you were to find the DNA of a Pterodactyl down the back of the settee, manage to mix it with the pubic hair of a small dog and somehow incubate it into a fully fledged dinosaur, then you would be only halfway to getting the hell of Mr Gareth's new look.
On Match of The Day, he looked like a frightened little boy walking out of the barbers, fearful that local bullies would take the piss.
Anti News is a big fan of our boss, but I fear that now the mullet has gone, its ability to cantilever his ever growing proboscis is making him shuffle round staring at his shoes, instead of the ever expanding girth of the squad.
A wig is the only way forward, preferably one borrowed from Motley Crue guitarist Mick Marrs. Sort it Gareth.
Yo Momma's so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house
In the first of a new regular feature, here is the Dong Gook Lee Report:
Lee is expected to score when hell freezes over, an amoeba squeezes out of the ice, evolves into a new species where footballers have no legs or arms except the Gook and we are playing the worst team in the new league.
In extra time. Probably a penalty.
Yo Momma's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Finally, Anti News did some research on new Chelsea boss Avram Grant.
Turns out he is a direct descendant of Lon Chaney Jnr, eats children for breakfast and is the only human on the planet who is inside out.
One
look into his eyes and you would turn to stone, crack into a million pieces and turn up as gravel on a footballer's drive, spending the rest of your days being crushed by Hummer's and Jimmy Choo stilettos.
An unnamed source inside Stamford Bridge says that Grant's training methods include being asked to dribble around a single cone.
Whilst most people would laugh, Anti News thinks this is very forward thinking and should be employed at the Boro.
If we place the cone far enough away (Siberia?), then Fabio Rochembach may never find his way back.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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