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THE ANTI NEWS - THE PLUS ÇA CHANGE ISSUE 16-10-07
Gordon Dalton
Anti News would like to issue a number of thinly disguised apologies. Your all time favourite column comes to you slightly late and in a reduced version this week due to illness, an aversion to Rugby and a week spent in London village acting like a yokel and gawking at Big Ben and Buckingham Palace.
There was also an incident with a one legged woman and a bear wearing a little red helicopter hat going round and round in circles on a mini-motorbike. That Gordon Brown sure knows how to throw a party.
Let's do this.
Uh, there's a half-dead-fat-man eating a dead-fat-man... am I the only one who realized? Oh, okay...
Our esteemed chairman Steve Gibson had a very positive smoke blown up his backside by the Observer newspaper at the weekend. Whilst it was a great piece of writing and one of the few positive spins about the Boro, Anti News cant help feeling that an injection of good ol' USA cash could do wonders for the area and the club.
As a compromise, maybe Gibbo could start wearing a ten-gallon hat and shouting Yippe-kay-ay muthafuckers over the PA at half time. Fans could have rodeo rides on Rochembach's er, back and Andrew Taylor could solve all his invisible personality traits by having a spit roast with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton's Chihuahua (that is not a euphemism).
With this in mind we should change our name to the Budweiser Boro, sign David Beckham and paint ten-yard lines up and down the position to confuse the opposition. Our players couldn't get any more confused anyway so it'll work a treat. After all that, we will still finish 13th.
By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint - it wasn't on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.
Anyway, that made a pleasant distraction from the shocking news that Middlesbrough is now officially the worst place in the UK to live. Hard hitting current affairs programme Location, Location, Location says that the Boro is a shit hole. Well, the Pope is also Catholic and that never stopped him running the world.
Everything that is wrong with the Boro is everything that makes it great. Location Location Location? Up your backside backside backside. Anyway, didn't they go to Sunderland?
Something good... something good... You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts.
Laugh a minute pop combo Radiohead released their gut wrenchingly badly titled In Rainbows online last week, and told fans they could pay what they wanted. Anti News crawled out of its pit and staggered to the computer to download 40 minutes of miserable tunes about buying a pint of milk, getting a gas bill and that time Thom Yorke got high on Candy Floss.
I bought ten copies and can forget about getting himself down to Specsavers to sort out his eyesight as I paid the princely sum of absolutelyfuckall. (Thom, mate, only joking, I paid a tenner, honest, swear down, scout's honour, dib dib dib).
Anti News can now look forward to all successful bands following suit, and to the Sugababes double album, The Sound of Next Door's Cat Getting a Hysterectomy.
Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.
On international duties, the football world was shocked at Estonia's defeat to minnows England.
Ex-good player but now professional pork pie Wayne Rooney scuffed home a freak-deflected goal; Estonia's keeper out numptied Paul Robinson and a great own goal sent Estonia crashing. Heavyweight's Russia are now quaking in their boots and have resorted to playing on a toy town pitch.
Rio Ferdinand, Joe Cole and other soft gets in the England team might have been heard to say 'Ooo no, I've not tackling on that, I'll graze my over moisturised knees'. Anti News looks forward to the Russian game just for two things - Paul Robinson Pinball and the sight of 22 grown men playing head tennis.
God lets see what else is there, um... I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Finally, and it pains me more to say it more than the time I sat on an Atari joystick, but good luck to the England Rugby team against South Africa. In true Boro style, you have set yourself up for a fall of magnificent proportions.
And if you need someone to kick it high above the posts in the last minute to save the day, Fabio Rochembach is always free on a Saturday.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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