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THE ANTI NEWS - THE HALLOWEEN ISSUE 29-10-07
Gordon Dalton
Relax? I'm a fucking werewolf!
Offended by calls to take off its Halloween mask when it wasn't even wearing one, Anti News has been pounding the streets angrily. Not you understand to lose weight or get fit, but in an effort to track down the seven, yes seven, Greggs bakeries in Middlesbrough Town Centre. And they said this was the worst place to live?! Fools!
It wasn't that hard to track them down to be honest as I just followed the indentions in the pavement made by large overweight, claw footed creatures. Or certain members of our current squad. So with a steak bake in one hand and three in the other.
Let's do this.
These dumb ass kids. They never appreciate what you do for them
As Anti News wandered around following the male equivalent of the Weather Girls, it literally started raining men.
Stunned at what I first thought was a lardy meteorite, I looked a little closer. Readers, the horror was too much to bare as what looked like Michelle McManus trying to get out of Eammon Holmes body slowly raised itself to its feet, which were pointing in opposite directions.
It was my old compadre Jabba, sorry Fabio, who had been propelled into the stratosphere after queue congestion at Greggs had reached bursting point after Mido had asked for fifty mini cheese pasties, ten Cornish and twenty five for a pound donut bags.
It's not that I hate Fabio, but his transformation into stargazer Russell Grant is worrying. If only he could predict where his passes were going then we would have half a chance of not conceding in the first ten minutes. Anti News calls for a return of his headband, if only to stop him expanding any more.
Queen Elizabeth is a man! Prince Charles is a faggot! Winston Churchill was full of shit! Shakespeare's French!
The pressure on Mr Gareth is rising, and it's nothing to do with those new Farah slacks. Obviously Anti News, being cut from a stylish cloth, is a big fan but it's worth casting an eye over possible replacements.
Martin Jol will be the name on many Boro fans Regal puffing lips. He has a funny voice which would be even funnier when trying to tackle a Boro accent ("Oi, schoft cock, yerjokinanryersh"). He would fulfil one of his ambitions and finally get his hands on Stewart Downing (Oh Schtewy).
However, he saw Location, Location, Location and doesn't fancy the job, despite an appearance somewhere between Tony Soprano and the Greggs cake counter.
Elsewhere, David Platt has emerged as a front-runner. No not that one but the baby faced psycho from Coronation Street. Sound of mind and with a grasp of motivational skills that makes the Guantenemo Bay goons look like Primrose Valley yellow coats, Platt would be ideal as manager, if only to give Gary O'Neil some company down at the 'I look like an anorexic rodent club'.
A naked American man stole my balloons
Speaking of motivational skills, Mr Gareth handed out iPods to all squad members and asked them to listen to music before the game with the pre-requisite that bland, insipid Rio Ferdinand type R&B was banned.
Non-plussed that there was any other type of music for footballers, the squad thought it was a good idea. Mark Schwarzer played to type with Living in a Box's 'Living in a Box', DJ Downing showed his cutting edge taste with a mix of folk-indie-tronica-blog-house-nu-old-hiphop on a mellow tip (no, me neither) and Anti News favourite Lee Dong Gook played tunes including Baha Men's 'Who Let the Dogs Out'; AC/DC's 'Dog Eat Dog' and Zep's 'Black Dog'.
David Wheater showed he is made from sterner stuff with a medley of The Misfits, Iron Maiden and Motorhead, mainly because he looks like all their respective mascots rolled into one.
Poor Andrew Taylor was looking glum again as it transpired his Mam had got her hands on his iPod and recorded herself saying 'slow down, slow down'. She wanted you to listen to it in the car Andy, not on the pitch.
I will not be threatened by a walking meat loaf
The FA had fun with the fixture list this year, predicting a goal infested horror show with Man Ure, who demolished the Embassy Regal sponsored Dynamo Kiev, so close to Halloween.
Following Leatherface look-alike Avram Grant's visit last week, we were submitted to the ghoulish horrific features of Carlos Tevez, a man (monster?) so horrific that even Ian Dowie and Craig Bellamy have been given sponsorship deals with L'Oreal.
Teesside women turned their orange faces away in horror as the gore splattered across the pitch, only to be picked up by Mido and fried with some fava beans and a glass of chianti.
Light relief came with a goal from Alialilidieirie, who is fast looking like the only player on a diet at the club (other than O'Neil, who is marginally fatter than Peter Crouch's thigh).
Have you tried talking to a corpse? It's boring
Finally, Anti News loves the Boro more than our Mam's gravy (well, maybe) but sort it out lads! Show some passion, some grit, and invoke the spirit of Stuart Boam, Graeme Souness, and Mark Viduka. No, that doesn't mean pissing off to another club but putting your heart, soul and not inconsiderable girth into it.
The visit of Spurs has turned into an unexpected six pointer and we are sure to win against this Ramos fella. I mean, what has he ever done?
If not, El Tel will be giving you an ear bashing next month, which means a Christmas tree formation with Dong Gook at the top. An idea which, I'm sure, has many fans on Teesside. But not for football reasons.
And with that...
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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