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THE ANTI NEWS - THE 'MELANCHOLY DEATH OF OYSTER BOY' ISSUE 12-11-07
Gordon Dalton
"He never forgave her unholy alliance, a sexual encounter with a kitchen appliance"
Once again, Anti News has been following Mr Gareth's well groomed lead and been on a team bonding session. However, with all things football still looking as threadbare as Steve McClaren's hairline, Anti News resorted to locking himself in a broom cupboard with a tube of Aruldite and a DVD copy of Dong Gook's greatest goals 2007/8. That kind of bonding takes real dedication. So like Roy Castle.
Lets do this.
"Unwisely, Santa offered a teddy bear to James, unaware that he had been mauled by a grizzly earlier that year."
With the Boro squad holed up in the Lake District for team building exercises, like throw Fabio in the Windermere; throw Fabio in Ullswater and throw Fabio in Coniston, squad morale has started to reach new, ahem, peaks. Unfortunately, the Countryside Alliance banned Jonathan Woodgate from the trip as he kept leaving himself open.
Local authorities also requested that Midough stay on Teesside as their entire economy runs on Kendal Mint Cake and they couldn't trust the rotund Egyptian hosting one of his legendary midnight feasts which run from midnight on Saturday to midnight the following Friday.
Sadly, a break in was reported at the Mint Cake factory. Police questioned all the local Boro lads as they thought Mint Cake was a recommendation. The very fact that Fabio was left out of the squad against Notlob points a very Poirot like finger at the chief suspect. Sadly, Rocky mistook this for a Belgian delicacy and bit it off for his tea.
"Life isn't easy for the Pin Cushion Queen, when she sits on her throne, pins push through her spleen."
The Lake District trip obviously paid off though. Having spent a week comparing David Wheater to various rock faces, Mr Gareth has now perfected a technique where the amount of football we play over ninety minutes is in direct proportion to the amount of coverage we get on Match of the Day, which is approximately two minutes.
This was extended on Sunday due to George Boateng showboating and clashing heads with Pepe Le Pew lookalike Gavin McCann. Having perfected the technique of hauling his team mates up hills (as usual), Stewart Downing shrugged off his critics by compiling a mix tape somewhere in his own half. How he thinks a happy hardcore remix of Status Quo's Down Down is going to help secure a January move is anybody's guess, although not Martin Jol's, Downing's only hardy perennial admirer.
Anyway, Notlob's lowest attendance of the season watched a thrilling display of how not to score goals whilst P Diddy (Nicolas Anelka) looked on from the sidelines, probably thinking Boro looked desperate enough to sign him in January. Who could resist a team whose budget runs to booking a wet weekend in Windermere over a week in the Algarve.
"The reason I know that this is the case, is when she blows her nose Kleenex sticks to her face."
Football pundits nationwide are lining up to stick the proverbial pen up Steve McClaren's jacksy, especially after he didn't even bother turning up to watch Def Leppard play Dave Beckham at keepy uppy in Hollywood. Smac was obviously negotiating a new contract in LA where he is lined up to star in a remake of Apocalypse Now.
Terry Venables is on standby for the England job (isn't he always?) as there is only one other candidate who can rock the whole sports blazer look with any aplomb, although he was last seen in walking boots and a fleece.
"My name is Jimmy but my friends just call me 'the hideous penguin boy'."
England are doomed to play out their last game in a bear pit atmosphere not seen since John Fashanu growled at Wolf on Gladiators. Life without international football for England next summer will be, well, it will be a relief actually, especially if there is any Kendal Mint Cake left in the Lake District.
Anti News intends to help train Dong Gook's dog to be a locksmith. Just last week the goal allergic Korean was telling me if he sticks his finger up his dog's backside he makes a bolt for the door. A good training method which didn't make it back from the Lake District.
Finally, in an act of self promotion learnt from inspecting Britney Spears' chuff at close quarters, Anti News appeared on Independent Boro Radio last week and you can find this fun filled fact-a-thon right here.
Never in the history of broadcasting has airtime been filled with as much umming and ahing. During the Boro quiz, Anti News got two out of seven right and they were about Boris Becker and Ed the Duck.
At least Anti News is sticking to what it knows, which frankly, is not much.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
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