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THE ANTI NEWS - THE RICKY HATTON ISSUE 19-11-07
Gordon Dalton
"I had a girlfriend leave me for a midget once. I never thought anyone would stoop that low."
As there was no Premiership football last week, Boro players have been slapping themselves on the back for not dropping any points.
This bonhomie has seen Midough hacking up the club's silver (knives and forks); Downing phleming up a limited edition Technotronic single and Dong Gook Lee spewing up what suspiciously looked like a pair of rutting dogs but was in fact two lasses from South Bank.
Mr Gareth is waiting for Mendieta to cough up for his wages for the past three years, but some things just get stuck in the gullet.
Lets do this.
"He measured me pants, measured me jacket, measured me from top to bottom. 'Ricky,' he said, 'you're a Mark F.' I said, 'What's a Mark F?' He says, 'It's a size up from a marquee.'"
With so little footy of any worth this week, Anti News has taken up badger baiting. Sadly, Fabio Rochembach is refusing to return my calls and I may have to return that badger outfit back to the fancy dress shop. I'll be leaving it to the last minute though as I could always ask resident speed freak Andrew Taylor to zoom down there in his motor, with Fab in the boot.
Still, the players have been keeping busy, with Midough preparing for his new role as a promotional pyramid outside the new King Tut exhibition; Gook Lee offering his services as a dog walker; Aliaideiaieire and O'Neil battling it out to work as the rabbit at the dog track and Fabio is auditioning for a job as Father Christmas in Binns. A Bin is more likely.
In the only other piece of good news, Adam Johnson returned from his weekly man of the match award at Watford. Combined with Aliadiaiere and Gary O'Neill, Boro will now have other teams bamboozled as the speedy trio run rings around each other. Mr Gareth hopes to use this tactic to make Stewart Downing dizzy and give him a newly defined role in the team - stealing tank tops from Moss Bros.
"So I got the Hoover out, went round the settee, round the coffee table, round the fireplace, and as I was going round the telly I accidentally caught it with the Hoover, and Ronaldo fell over in the box."
England marched on towards Euro 2008 this week with a magnificent display against Russia, which as anticipated Steve McClaren remarked as 'Magnificent' whilst wiping his brow with an industrial size hanky.
Still sweating, Smac was allegedly heard to say "Sorry, I won't be taking that Christmas job at Netto" to any passing journalist within earshot. Since he has been perspiring for well over a year now, there wasn't a journo within 300 yards as the BO was worse than the back of the Boro team bus on the way back from the curry house.
Smac's team of highly paid renegades face the already qualified Croats this week in a must not lose game. Obviously we will be down 0-3 at half-time before Smac remembers his own name and tactical genius by sending on Massimo Maccarone with the name Lineker on the back of his shirt.
5-3 to England and we're off to Switzerland for a summer jaunt, where the England team will tick over and run down the clock to the quarter-finals before going cuckoo and clocking out of the tournament.
"'Billy, I can't get him, he's pulling away and I'm swinging and swinging. What d'you think I should do?' He says, 'Keep swinging, Rick, hopefully the draught will give him pneumonia.'"
Somewhere back in the real world Jermaine Defoe will get his first game of the season and play out a 0-0 to qualify. He will then be joining Boro in January, where he will be hailed as a hero for at least a week. However, his signing will cause divisions in the squad as, impossible as it sounds, the ratio for skinny to bloater in the Boro team may be tipped towards size zero. Mr Gareth will defend himself by sending the skinny ones on a crash course, straight into Greggs' shop window. That and signing Emile Heskey.
"She's frightening, my mum. Scary. Her Rice Krispies in the morning don't go, 'Snap, crackle, pop', they go, 'Ssshhh, she's fuckin' coming.'"
Anti News wishes England well, because a tournament without England is like watching Gary Lineker laughing at his own puns. Anti News would never do that.
It's mainly because if sweaty Smac is sacked, Alan Shearer is being touted as the next head coach. However, seeing as he is highly qualified as being part of a super breed of delusional humans who have never won a major trophy in years, Anti News thinks Shearer is the perfect man for the England job.
Well, him or me anyway.
And with that...
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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