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THE ANTI NEWS - THE TANK TOP ISSUE 26-11-07
Gordon Dalton
...and how about that hygienist? It's like if you go to a prostitute and the prostitute goes around telling everybody that you have a small penis. Not that I've ever been to a prostitute. Not that I have a small penis...
Whistling the tune Holiday by a youthful Madonna, Steve McClaren invoked some of the great sporting moments of the past half-century such as the Rumble in the Jungle or the Thrilla in Manilla this week.
Unfortunately, his greatest sporting rhyming title is to go down in history as the Wally with the Brolly as England limped out of Euro 2008 like Heather Mills with woodworm.
Anti News is not one to let a joke lie and thinks it could be extended to The Wally with the Brolly and his Folly whilst the players have a Jolly in a Trolley with a Dolly and some, er, Holly. Good Golly miss Molly, that stinks, have you been eating Cauli flavoured Lolly?
Er, Lets do this.
He's a bra-sniffing dog! He's a very good bra-sniffing dog!
So England are out and Wayne, Rio and John can all breathe a sigh of relief that they don't have to spend two weeks in a five-star Swiss hotel instead of lording it up in Dubai with supermodels. And Coleen McLoughlin.
Wayne Bridge and Frank Lampard will make do with a 'special gift' from Roman Abramovich in the best hotel in Siberia. Lamps and Bridge will be looking forward to luxury after Roman allegedly whispered "throw the game and you can stay at mine". What he actually said, only in the confines of this ridiculous column, was "if you don't throw the game you will be staying in a mine".
I'll have a vanilla.one of those vanilla bulls**t things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bulls**t latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.
Smac will now be looking for new employment sometime in 2020, once he has spent his £2.5m pay off on Lion Bars and Klix coffee down at the local National Express office.
Whilst his previous job as a coach driver is tempting, there could be a vacancy closer to home in the form of Mr Gareth's assistant.
Although how he thinks wearing a Burton's suit and a haircut circa to a baboon's arse is going to help him in the G-man's personal boot room is beyond me. He clearly doesn't know a brogue from a slipper if his own wardrobe tactics are anything to go by.
Steve Gibson is reported to have hired a crack squad of highly paid Eastern Europeans, OK, Pogatetz, to build a Berlin style wall around the Riverside to stop anybody resembling Smac approaching him for a job.
Unfortunately, he has had to leave a large twenty foot Brazilian hole in the west stand just to make sure Fabio can drag his arse out.
Fabio is now so fat he has more butt than Dot Cotton's ashtray and his passing isn't as good as hers either. Not that I have looked in Dot Cotton's toilet, or Fabio's for that matter, but that is another scatological digression on a par with Boro vs Villa on Saturday.
Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now?
That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?"
"Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"
Down by the Riverside things went from bad to worse as the annual Villa charity goal fest only raised three goals for Gerry Anderson creation Martin O'Neill. Only with the admirable donations from Jonny Woodgate and Lee Cattermole was the minimum target of three achieved.
At this rate Terry Wogan will be taking over team talks to up the charity ante.
Other children in need will have to wait as Downing, Hutchinson, Wheater and Johnson beg for help from senior players like George 'Bus Pass' Boateng.
Even this may not be enough to save Mr Gareth and Gibbo is flicking through his steel filofax for Bono's number. It's him or Geldof but Gibbo hasn't put up with any manager since Robbo saying 'giveusyerfuckinmoney'.
Mr Gareth had obviously looked at Smac's departure and thought that the FA would not be stupid enough to hire another Boro manager and duly played Alidieireirieiaiereie up front on his own.
The worrying thing is the FA ARE stupid enough, although Brian Barwick would not be up for the sartorial challenge set by young whipper snappers such as Mr G or Anti News' preferred candidate Alan Shearer.
So, Harry Redknapp it is then.
Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen.
And so to Reading, where being the first of December, Boro's always-joyful Christmas period will begin. Generally this would mean a drunken red army of fans in Santa hats but this year, with Mr Gareth in charge, tank tops, brogues and a head full of pomade is anticipated.
The ability to blink rapidly or look like a rabbit in the headlights of an oncoming car with the number plate R3L3G8D is optional.
A Boro manager hasn't looked so dapper since Malcolm Allison, but look where that got us.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
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