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THE ANTI NEWS - THE VENGA BOYS ISSUE 10-12-07
Gordon Dalton
Battling his way through a life size model of Tuncay Sanli made from kebabs and empty bottles of Efes, Anti News awoke this morning with a grin on his face wider than Fabio Rochemback's arse.
But hark the Holgate Angels sing, Anti News is promising not to crack the usual lame arsed fat boy jokes. This could be difficult to write.
Lets do this...
Boosh, Boosh, Stronger than a moose, Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop, Stop, look around, take your mind off the flow, 'Cause the Boosh is loose, And we're a little bit raaaaw! Ice flow, nowhere to go, Ice flow, nowhere to go, Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaa!
Boro and Rocky showed a tenuously linked Stallone-like ability to fight like battered underdogs against the Arse. This would normally be my cue to insert a Gook/Chip Shop joke but I'm trying to be nice this week.
Rocky shrugged off his critics (and about two stones) as Boro bludgeoned Arsenal in a memorable victory that takes us to three places off the inevitable thirteenth place finish.
As a bonus, Rocky also bagged a couple of passing ducks, which were flying over the North Stand.
The formerly difficult to spell Alielaieierediere played a blinder as opposed to his usual visually disadvantaged manner and in tribute I will now try to spell his name correctly by referring to him only as Jeremy.
Ice flow, nowhere to go, Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaaaa, Check him out. They call him the shrew! Arms in short, then with the claw!
Arsenal's Eboue defended his world title against Ricky Hatton and Stewart Downing before Poga and Dave 'Big' Wheater took on anyone in gloves, which was the whole of the Arsenal side.
Dave managed to take out Gallas with a shot that has left the Frenchmen searching for his testicles somewhere past Hartlepool, where his French plums are probably being hung in the harbour right now.
Talking of things going missing in Hartlepool, it transpired Mr Gareth has now banned canoeing from squad leisure activities. As we all saw, this had an immediate effect as the Boro players returned from Panama to humiliate the Venga Boys.
DJ Downing celebrated his penalty by dropping a nu-folk-trance-metal remix of We're Going to Ibiza, Boom Boom Boom Boom and We Like to Party.
Soup, souper tasty, soup, souper spicy, carrot and coriander, Chilli chowder, Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth, I am gazpacho, oh. I am a summer soup, mmm. Miso, Miso, fighting in the dojo, Miso, Miso, Oriental prince in the land of soup!
Sales of shoelaces are set to soar on Teesside as Woodgate and Arca sported the new year's must have accessory by wearing fantastic headbands.
Woody was obviously sulking as Arca managed to bag a limited edition white shoelace whilst Woody had to make do with one that was found on the dance floor at the Tall Trees nightclub in Yarm.
Mr Gareth must insist on the whole team wearing them, although Dave 'Big' Wheater may have follicle issues to deal with.
Cheese is a kind of meat, A tasty yellow beef, I milk it from my teat, But I try to be discrete, Oh cheese! Oh cheese!
Mr Gareth ditched the Tank Top, mainly because it was quite sunny in the first half and the brown one he had packed didn't match the stormy clouds that had gathered over Teesside as Dong Gook threatened to come on a substitute.
He'll get a game next week though, scoring a double hat trick as Boro triumphantly march towards the Champions League in a thrilling 0-1 away defeat at Derby.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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