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THE ANTI NEWS - THE XMAS ISSUE 17-12-07
Gordon Dalton
You've got to say something. You can't go down to the moon and go, "Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
Being Christmas, Anti News is full of seasonal cheer, which handily came in a bottle marked Advocat. This seasonal change of drinks from turps to the yellow stuff at the back of the drinks cabinet (well, it's more of a cupboard really) has made the normally grumpy Anti News cheer up in the hope of bagging a long haired beauty at the office party (steady - Ed).
Let's do this...
So Neanderthals, they died out. Two hundred thousand years - they developed for two hundred thousand years, and then went "Ah, fuck it!".
Being drunk 24/7 has also made Anti News realise he may have been wrong to criticise Fabio Rochemback this season. He may have a special relationship with the Greggs' girls but the Brazilian seems to have pulled his socks up around his rotund calves and actually put in a few performances.
Granted, one of these was as a professional Christopher Biggins lookalike in the jungle whilst the other is playing the Genie in panto at Billingham Forum after Andrew Taylor's driving turned him green. But fair's fair, the lad is trying.my patience mostly.
Still, it's January soon and following the Boro Christmas meal Mr Gareth can roll him down the road to get in a thinner replacement, such as gonky eyed opera pretender Paul Potts. At least he can get the crowd going with a rousing Nessun Dorma. If Fab sang opera it would be Yes, Mmm, Korma.
My New Year resolution is to lay off Rocky and hope Boro sign Jabba the Hut.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon. "Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!"
'Oh come all ye faithful' may be Mrs Anti News' favourite bedtime chant but this week Dave 'Big' Wheater took to the silver screen to beg, sorry, ask Boro fans to turn out in greater numbers to support the team.
This can only lead to an early exit in the January transfer window as Scorsese and Spielberg come knocking at Mr Gareth's oak panelled door. They are obviously after a 'big granite faced hard bastard no.2' or possibly a big fuck off dinosaur for Jurassic Park Four.
'Big' Dave's chiselled looks were obviously carved by a drunken Geppetto knocking seven bags out of the coalbunker after Pinocchio said he was popping to the shops for ten Regal before running off to be in Shrek. The lying get.
Anyway, 'Big' Dave's rallying cry obviously had an effect with a full away end at the Derby game to see Tuncay prove that You Tube is more than just teenagers miming to Euro pop and shifty agents flogging rubbish players.
The glossy haired Turk scored a goal of the season contender, that is if you ignore the thirty yard net busters soon to be scored by the Korean dog worrier and eternal enigma that is Dong Gook Lee.
Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong.Like I like my women: hot and...strong.with a spoon in them.
Boro's charge to the Champions League continues following a solid display at the mighty Derby, whose manager Paul Jewell inspired his troops for the rest of the season with a rousing post match interview.
In brief, as Anti News was microwaving his gonads out of boredom at the time, it went something along the lines of 'urgh, urgh, we are rubbish, we don't care anymore, can I go home now, we are going down quicker than Ashley Young's pants, we cant even beat Boro, I'm giving up and going down the golf course, meh.'
That's one saved fucking queen! It shouldn't be 'God save the queen', it should be 'God attack the queen!' 'God attack the queen/Send big dogs after her/That bite her bum. Let them chase after her, And rip her knickers off...'
Hopefully we can look forward to equally fascinating team talks from England's new gun for hire, Don Fabio Capello, who, rather than stepping into Steve McClaren's boots, made him some concrete ones and chucked him in the Tees.
Whilst Anti News thinks the appointment of the Italian Stallion is cheating, we welcome him for the punabilty he offers. We welcome him more however, because he will be rocking a pastel sweater over the shoulder look come June.
Other than that, Anti News is keeping schtum about The Godfather, just in case a paragraph of Italian stereotyping ends up with me sleeping with the fishes or waking up with a nag (it wouldn't be the first time - Ed).
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
So it's Christmas and all Anti News wants is points, points, points, a Dong Gook hat trick and a bit of a fumble with a sex pig after a day down the pub. Sadly 'comic' Alan Davies doesn't live round our way so he can't nibble on my ears.
Mr Gareth will be hoping to add to his knitwear collection and maybe a couple of new signings who are rumoured to be Dica and Milan Baros. Dica Baros? Wasn't she a soul sensation who now presents What Not To Wear? Cheeky Mr Gareth, always thinking of his wardrobe.
Anti News would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year, but can't be arsed 'cos you never sent me a card. So knack off.
See you in 2008 when Boro will have leapt up the table to.thirteenth.
And with that...
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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