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THE ANTI NEWS - THE "I'M WAVING, NOT DOWNING" ISSUE 15-1-08
Gordon Dalton
A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes
Anti News is waiting patiently by the phone for Mr Gareth to call for advice. Who else is going to be able to recommend footballers with stupid names and ever changing haircuts except your weekly dose of friendly neighbourhood Anti News?
Still, whilst I'm waiting, I've been teaching meerkats to play pick-up sticks and looking at blurred photoshopped pictures of overweight buck-toothed Brazilians.
I've also been speculating on the comings of Master Matthew Bates and the goings of left-wingers with a penchant for Detroit funky soul white label twelve inches.
Lets do this...
In 1926 the Queen Mother laid the first block of stone in our tenement. After a month or so the Council realised she was going to take forever so they had to let her go and get the builders in
Boro's best player and the world's greatest DJ, Stewy "DJ" Downing, has once again been mentioned in relation to Spurs.
Yes, they are back in for DJ, much like they were last year. And the year before that.
And considering DJ is a Spurs fan, probably every year since DJ's dad turned to his son and said "don't play for the Boro son, you might be their best player in years and play for England but they will hate you and want to stick large, er, sticks up yer bum just cos you have weak ankles and can't tackle".
Anti News can reveal that Spurs haven't bid a penny this year, it's just that Martin Jol's old phone is stuck on redial due to all the saliva from his Hattersley like jowls.
Two teams have caught DJ's eye though and he is currently mulling over bids from FC Ayia Napa and the current favourites, Man United. Sorry, that should be Ibiza super club Manumission United.
Downing is said to be "flattered" by the bids so Mr Gareth has slipped a pony to the barmaids at the Empire nightclub to say he has nice hair and a twinkle in his eye.
Where Mr Gareth gets these ponies from I don't know but I'd turn down any invitation to a footballer's stud farm just in case I got a roasting.
If DJ does leave, Keith Lamb has lined up possible replacements in Pete Tong, Carl Cox and Derek, who runs a mobile disco in Brambles Farm.
They say a woman's work is never done, maybe that's why they get paid less
Anti News shut its gaping wide hole long enough this week to mourn the sad departure of Andrew Davies hair, which had become somewhat sensible during his time at Southampton.
Mr Gareth had brought him back to Teesside to inspire follicle flamboyance but on seeing his new barnet sent him straight back to the south coast.
Instead, Jheri curls look to be all the rage with Fred possibly on his way to Teesside. With a quick trim, Boro fans will be able to recycle their old Emerson wigs and sport the best haircut this side of Julio Arca.
With this in mind, Mr Gareth will also sign Slick Rick James and Lee John from Eighties synth pop sensations Imagination.
Anti News is a little worried about the plain one syllable name of Fred but it's probably Brazilian for "Give me the money, I shag your wife". With any luck.
If you can't masturbate to it, it's Art
The Alves saga continues to rumble on with excitement levels peaking just above "I'm looking forward to clipping my toenails but I must look at seemingly doctored photos online to stave off my cock exploding".
At this rate Anti News will have to nail his hands to the desk to stop him from rubbing himself silly with anti-climatic glee over Alves.
Distraction should, er, come with the protracted negotiations with Ronaldinho, Juninho, a three-legged donkey called Keith and a man down the chip shop who swears he's Alves.
In other transfer news, Boro scouts have identified three new targets. Midfield general Imaka Fasbukatdaboro tops the list, although the other two are unspecified.
Anti News, in a Poirot like piece of detective work, reckons they can only be from teams we have played in the UEFA cup or that Mr Gareth saw on the highlights of MotD.
Either that or we are signing Alan Shearer, who definitely doesn't want the Newcastle job, oh no, no siree, no way, never, he doesn't want it, wink, wink, no Gary, not me.
The hardest job I ever had was doing the horoscopes for the Big Issue
Boateng has settled his differences with Mr Gareth by promising not to hide his hair gel and will stay at the Boro until the end of the season.
Fabio looks unlikely to move, mainly because Anti News gives him a bad press and well, he is too heavy to move from the settee.
And Mido's cock bone will recover and get a daytime chat show on Egyptian TV called, ahem, King Tut, where he moans about the royal family.
With all this (non) activity, Boro could end up with a team of heavily coiffured looking freaks with long term injuries, erratic names, speeding bans amd dodgy night time habits who all probably played against us at some point in the past five years when they had potential but squandered it on cock fighting.
So no change there then.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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