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THE ANTI NEWS - THE MESSIAH ISSUE 21-1-08
Gordon Dalton
Now, you listen here! 'e's not the Messiah, 'e's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!
Greetings oh worshippers of mine: Anti News, the Messiah, the Lord of all men, women and furry little animals but definitely not pigeons, they stink, is back!
Yes, it is I, your Lord and Master, bringing forth the good and bad news that is Anti.
And if you dare to question my status as the all seeing eye, I shall strike you down with the power of four and twenty blackbirds, or something equally Biblical.
Lettuce Do-us, This-us.
You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?"
This week, Anti News was pleased to be crowned Lord God of Everything.
This gives Anti News special powers, not least the ability to sleep with thirty vestal virgins when Anti News was out on the town in Boro last night (well, they said they were virgins).
You might think that I am bragging, but when you are packing a love machine like mine in your pants, thirty is a quiet night.
Not only that, I turned some bread and water into parmos and lager for the taxi queue before coming all over Moses (steady) and parting Jonathan Woodgate's Lionesque mane long enough for him to see he had been dropped on Saturday.
Such blasphemy (please forgive me big fella) can be excused when you realise that Newcastle Chairman Mike Ashley had beaten me up with a big bloody baseball bat with the letters D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-A-L written in Crayola down the side of it.
What Anti News did notice before his remaining brains had fallen on to his suede brogues was some matted, slightly curly grey hairs stuck to the bat.
Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall do likewise.
Yes, just in case you have had your ears cut off, been buried alive and then locked up and gagged in a Martian version of Guantanemo Bay for six weeks, you may have realised that Kevin "Special" "Needs" Keegan is back on Tyneside.
Levels of delusion have rocketed past all recorded levels, which let's face it were pretty fucking high to begin with. Sky Sports recorded this monumental occasion with round the clock coverage, before inventing another type of clock just so they could go round that one as well.
The nation was forcibly glued to their seats to watch a door slowly creaking in the wind, which was later reported to be Alan Shearer trying to impress Mike Ashley in a farting contest with Keegan.
Keegan then appeared before the cameras and at that moment the world became a better place.
Third World Debt was immediately wiped out, with Bono and Geldof topping themselves as added value.
Osama Bin Laden handed himself in to Mike Ashley who removed his rubber mask to reveal George Bush. He would have gotten away with it if it weren't for that pesky Keegan.
Just to top it all off, Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba and Cameron Diaz came round to Anti News' office. Again. Maybe (this Messiah stuff is addictive).
So, the Messiah is back, and what fruits of knowledge did he bring back from his years of exile? What existentialist tactics have matured in his slightly creepy looking head that will take the Premier League by storm?
Yup, how to draw 0-0 at home to an Anelka-less Bolton. Good work Kev, I'll give you six weeks.
But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Closer to home, Mr Gareth has been chucking his weight around the dressing room.
Fabio Rochemback has complained to Mr G and told him to pick on someone else, such as Midough, who is carrying enough meat to feed, er, Fabio Rochemback.
Woodgate has been dropped and was so unhappy he hasn't washed his hair for days. No one noticed.
George Boateng is back in the side but currently playing piggy in the middle as Arca and Poga chuck the captain's armband over his head.
Mr Gareth must be doing something right though as our form is improving faster than Fabio Capello's English (not that great then- Ed).
Unfortunately, there is a gap in our strike force bigger than the odds on Amy Winehouse winning Mother of the Year.
All right! All right! All right! We'll soon settle this! Hands up all those who don't want to be crucified here
Not that any Boro news, or any other club in the world deserves to be the news this week, as the spotlight turns to King Kev and our delusional neighbours up the road. The world isn't watching lads, it's wetting itself laughing.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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