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THE ANTI NEWS - THE MEEJA ISSUE 5-2-08
Gordon Dalton
When you hire me you don't just get some guy in a cheap suit who used to be on the telly... well you do, but you also get The Voice.
Anti News is not one to worry about media coverage of the Boro, preferring to frolic like two pigs making bacon in mud being smug about our "small town in Europe status".
But lately, in quite spectacular Wellian (Orson and George) fashion, the whole universe seems to have been put under some strange spell, which has everyone under the influence of the impotent badger-headed Keegan's troupes.
Along with Mr Gareth's startled deer look and Roy Hodgson's road kill demented stare, the whole of the Premier League has gone crazy with Kevian Flu.
Let's do this...
I'm an arsonist with a big box of matches - please let me in so I can set fire to your staff.
Michael Owen claimed that he would score more if the slowly rotting Skunks started winning, clearly misunderstanding his job description.
That's like Anti News' wild claims that he would score more with Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba if only they would have sex with me. Which frankly, like little Owen's hamstring, is stretching it a bit.
What next?
Ricky Hatton saying he would have won had he knocked Mayweather out?
Mido saying he would be slim if he didn't eat twenty of Greggs' finest every day?
Tom Cruise saying he wouldn't be as nuts if he was leader of the new world and we all replaced our eyes with crystals and had daily colonic irrigation with Tom's own brand urine? Madness, pure madness.
It's a build up of sweaty deposits just below the belt line. It's quite well concealed in loose clothing but you wouldn't want to see me with my clothes off.
Talking of nutters with ideas above their very short stations - all hail King Kev!
How long do we have to keep calling him King Kev for? Surely he will soon be overthrown in an uprising led by an angry dwarf (Dennis Wise).
As he is the only contender in his fighting height, er weight, it would be the only fair match up unless Jimmy Krankie fancies a dust up.
"It's a Knockout" could then be resurrected for one night only (or whenever they need a new manager, so monthly then), with Stuart Hall and Sid Waddell doing commentary duties. It would naturally sell out Sid James' Park with 1,000,000 Geordies filling their humble ground.
I'd watch it, although given the media's blanket coverage of NUFC becoming a blanket bigger than the Skunks' collective delusions, I don't think any of us would have a choice.
The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way, could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!
Talking of delusion, Anti News is worried it's catching and that Teesside may have had a bad dose. The Greatest Player Ever signed for Boro at about 11.59pm on deadline day and suddenly talk turned to Champions League glory.
Yes, Afonso Alves has joined but in true Boro style, controversy followed.
Anti News doesn't see what the fuss is about.
Okay, he may be signed to about three clubs, he may not be wanted by Europe's top clubs, he may have cost about £140m, he can't read or write and he may well be closer to thirty-seven rather than twenty-seven, but in my red eyes, this makes him a better, more intelligent option to the rest of the EPL. Or at least the same as Yakubu.
I wish I'd be at bit more spontaneous. Sometimes I feel like going out, stealing a traffic cone, putting it on my head and saying, "Look at me, I'm a giant witch."
Anyway, I don't care if he is addicted to Thundercats, has a penchant for wrestling hippos and along with most footballers likes Chris Rea, Steak and Chips and Chubby Brown. He is reportedly a striker, and now that Dong Gook Lee needs a rest from a gruelling season up front, I might give him the odd start.
For slightly different reasons than his Brazilan team mate Wagner Love (who looks like he was born to live up to his name), Alves certainly looks good on You Tube. If his goal scoring record of at least seven a game in the, ahem, hardest league in the world is anything to go by, he will score at least 100 goals of the highest quality before the season's out.
All of this is as likely as Roy Hodgson combing his hair, Rocky going on a diet, Mr Gareth wearing a shellsuit, Fabio Capello not looking like Simon Cowell or the world not falling under the spell of what is undoubtedly the funniest programme on earth, NUFC TV.
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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