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THE ANTI NEWS - THE "DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?" ISSUE 19-2-08
Gordon Dalton
As the world still shudders following Midough's crash landings on Sunday, Anti News is going to avoid making overly positive result predictions and stick to what it knows best, i.e. not much.
Let's do this...
Kids burst shops by filling them with rice and pouring in water, then standing back and laugh while the bricks are ripped apart by the swelling food
Anti News is holding its head in shame after a shockingly positive appearance on Ali Brownlee's radio show.
Still high on spring sunshine and a midnight feast on Midough's Easter egg collection, Anti News predicted a "stroll in the park 0-2 win" against the Blades. Bernie Slaven laughed out loud at Anti News, rightly questioning the last time we ever scored two goals.
Anti News stuck to its guns but Bernie was right as Boro battled out a 0-0 draw.
Still, Boro are in the hat for the next round, although it would have to be a very big hat to fit in the collective girth of Midough and Rocky.
Mr Gareth's tactical genius was brought into question when leaving Dong Gook Lee out of the side. At least the much-derided Korean runs around a bit, distracting defenders as he jogs off in the wrong direction.
In comparison, Mido (twenty-two stone) was firmly planted to the ground as he sunk into the pitch at an alarming rate.
Following his perfect execution of the slowest bicycle kick ever, his landing caused the Richter scale to shatter.
Forensics are now excavating the point of landing in the hope of finding the remains of Bryan Robson's career.
People say that alcohol's a drug. It's not a drug, it's a drink!
Without wishing to dwell on the ever-expanding girths of certain players, it really is a cause for some concern.
Rochemback's shorts now resemble a parachute and unless paragliding becomes an Olympic sport, Rocky's days as a competitive sportsman are, unlike him, looking slim.
He collects a hefty pay packet every week, which should not be spent on the entire pick'n'mix in Woolies. That, added to the hefty fee that the club pay the local coastguard every week to be on alert just in case the wind catches his shorts and flies him into the North Sea, makes him the second highest paid Brazilian at the club.
And if Alves, who has spent his time on the pitch looking like an extra from Lost hangs out with Rocky and Midough, then Easter eggs are going to be hard to come by in Boro. These lads make Jamie Pollock look like Kate Moss, which is quite a stretch.
Anyway, that's not our main problem. Once we dispose of the Blades, probably on penalties, then we face Cardiff City at home. That could mean a return for Jimmy Floyd and if Rocky and Midough play, then the pitch will resemble a cross between Dunkirk and the surface of the moon.
You are a piece of shit on my shoe. Lick yourself off. Lick yourself off my shoe... No, don't actually do it! Where's your self re-cocking-spect?
So, Wembley is two games away, both against Championship sides. And we are on an unbeaten run. So, that will be penalties all the way to the semi-final where who knows what might happen.
Midough might have kept his appointment with Dr Gillian McKeith, Rocky may have been munching on Ryvitas for three weeks and Alves might have recovered from the worst case of jet lag known to man. Dong Gook Lee will obviously score a hat trick. It's the Cup, anything can, and probably will happen.
Boro for the Cup? Well, it is a leap year...
And with that.
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
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