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THE ANTI NEWS - THE SUPER GRAND SLAM SEXY SUNDAY ISSUE 25-3-08
Gordon Dalton
As Midough and Rocky continue to pile on the pounds, the children of Middlesbrough are still in floods of tears at the lack of Easter Eggs on Teesside.
As the wailing continues, the jury is still out on £12m ‘striker’ Alves. Mr Afonso must be hoping that the jury stays out and has in fact gone on an extended holiday until next season.
Let’s do this…
Uh, there's a half-dead-fat-man eating a dead-fat-man... am I the only one who realized? Oh, okay...
£12m is a lot of money to pay for anything, never mind a striker who has yet to score a goal, look like he might score a goal or even may not be able to spell goal.
Does he actually know what a goal is? Is he actually a footballer? He currently looks like a blinged up rap superstar who needed a transfer to upholster his Hummer with mink and diamonds.
Anti News is wondering if Alves is the biggest waste of money since Mr Gareth dabbled with a mohair cardigan?
£12m would get you about six Jez Aliaiaiaideiries which would at least make the team look like it can run around in circles like an over eager dog chasing its tail.
£12m would also get you a glance from Heather Mills, a trip to outer space, a date with Scarlet Johannson and if you stacked it all up in pound coins, it would reach halfway round the circumference of Fabio Rochemback’s rotund backside.
At least Dong Gook Lee scored, has a better name and a superior haircut.
Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Away from the Boro and their thrilling pummelling of the mighty Derby, pollution levels doubled on Sunday as bilious clouds of smoke billowed from TV sets and pubs up and down the country.
Environmental campaigner Al Gore has called for Sky Sports to stop rubbing themselves furiously over the "Big Four" clubs as TV sets are not built to contain such energetic love ins such as "Grand Slam Sunday".
Anti News can't take it anymore and will be content watching Ski Sunday.
Thankfully those at Sky will never broadcast that unless it would be called Super Sexy Grand Slam Ski Sunday.
Oh my God... It has finally happened, he has become so massive that he collapsed into himself like a neutron star.
Anyway, after the smoke has cleared, Anti News can reveal the following after watching "Grand Slam Sunday".
Wes Brown is turning a very odd colour, somewhere between piss and Dulux’s finest Magnolia. His hair is so strange that even Abel Xavier would cock a peroxide platted bearded sneer at it.
Also, Jez Aliadidiere’s slap on Mascherano obviously connected harder than initially thought. The Argentine’s teeth seem to have been rearranged in a configuration that will keep dentists confused for centuries.
He also still has concussion following Jez’s slap as he has gone crazy. The FA are investigating and will increase Jez’s ban to four seasons.
You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence... gotta get me some of that.
Finally, all future "Grand Slam Super Love Ins" featuring Chelsea will be given an 18 certificate.
This is not because of the sexual nature of Andy Gray’s commentary but because Avram Grant is the scariest looking creature ever to be seen on screen. Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Hannibal Lecter, Christopher Lee, Jeremy Kyle, step aside, your time is up.
Avram is the Master of Horror, eating children, frightening the boobs out of buxom ladies and putting the willies up men folk every week.
Anti News just hopes he can scare some of Boro’s players slim.
And with that...
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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