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THE ANTI NEWS - THE APRIL ISSUE 1-4-08
Gordon Dalton
April came early for Boro against Chelsea on Sunday as Alves played the hat-trick missing fool.
If only Dong Gook Lee had been on the pitch. Sadly, our Korean friend has moved down the road to Whitby Town, where he is playing in goal for the Cod Heads.
Let’s do this...
Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other.
Boro should have at least got a point at Stamford Bridge but were distracted by Tuncay’s attempt at copying Arca’s headband.
Other head based mistakes came in the form of late substitute Shawky’s hair. He has more tramlines than Blackpool front and let's face it, none of the amusements.
George Boateng looks leaner, which is nice but now the rest of the squad looks even fatter, even Adam Johnson.
Mr Gareth is now referring to the weight problems of players like Midough as clinical, which is a polite way of saying Greggs is open too many hours in a day.
I just spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a Hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead.
Alves played thirty minutes of crossbar challenge, which is worth £12m of anybody's money.
Mr G says Alves will set the Premiership alight next season, terrorizing defences and being a nuisance. Unless he has joined Al-Qaeda, that is stretching the truth to its limits.
It’s more plausible that the £12m was spent on plastic surgery to make Dong Gook Lee look lazy, overweight, bald and Brazilian.
That coffee mug that you have on your desk, it says life's a beach? Umm, that's dangerously close to the word bitch isn't it?
Paul ‘Shagger’ Jewell’s Derby side were relegated at the weekend.
Meanwhile, the mystery over the identity of the blonde bombshell he was erm, taking for a drive on the front of his car, is still unsolved.
Anti News loves a bit of detective work and has deduced the following: Big dumb blonde + big black expensive Mercedes = Robbie Savage. Poirot has nothing on Anti News, except a fondness for strange facial hair.
Fulham also look doomed so if I was Jimmy Bullard, I would be wary of Roy Hodgson brandishing a video camera and asking Bullard if he would like to go for a drive.
And with that…
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The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
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