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THE ANTI NEWS - THE DESERT ISLAND ISSUE 28-4-08
Gordon Dalton
Is there anything out there that could lift the gloom and misery as this season squeaks to a worrying end?
Well, no, especially not this column. I hate football and football obviously hates Boro, as it has rarely been seen all season.
Lets do this...
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a f**king cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.
Quality football at La Riv this season has been as rare as a funny witticism on Match of the Day.
Only the Arsenal win stands out for quality, grit and having the will to win. Sadly, Boro’s mental strength is as weak as the piss at the Carling factory toilets.
If you can't fight to the final seconds in a derby than when can you? In the queue at Greggs? At the spring sale for lurid footballer’s fashions? Down at Barbershop Bills, the one stop shop for crazy barnets?
Honestly, the whole lot of them want locking up in a big crate marked 'overpaid lightweights' and sent off on a cargo ship which is then capsized, landing our mentally weak heroes on a desert island where they have to fight off crazed cannibals.
At least they might bond as a team. Or lose some weight.
Granted, if Mido was there he would probably switch sides just so he could bite considerable chunks out of Rocky’s arse.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children
Whilst on this desert island, maybe they could learn how to play football.
If you can put 100 monkeys in a room and expect them to write Shakespearean prose then it's not too much to ask to put eleven footballers on an island with countless coconuts and expect them to be able to master a pass. Or to aim through one of those white things at the end of a pitch.
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones who come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
Hopefully Sven Goran Eriksson will be too busy being a playa with the ladies of Thailand and Manchester to conduct training.
Perhaps wobble faced Redknapp’s troops will be thinking of FA Cup glory against Cardiff.
Perhaps scientists will figure out the enigma that is Middlesbrough FC and we won't have to put up with this relentless gloom and lack of quality.
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
Then again, perhaps Alves, Tuncay, and maybe even Jez will score double hat tricks and Boro can toodle off on holiday to look forward to another season off Premier mediocrity. Perhaps.
Now, I don’t want to say I told you so but have we won a game since Mr Gareth unceremoniously dumped Dong Gook Lee for not subscribing to his tank tops in spring campaign? I think not.
And with that…
RETURN TO THE ANTI-NEWS INDEX HERE
The last three season's editions of The Anti News can be found in the ComeOnBoro.com archive.
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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