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THE ANTI NEWS - THE DAVID COVERDALE ISSUE 1-8-08
Gordon Dalton
Rejoice! It’s back! Here we go again! Hark the Herold Goulon sings as football is back on the menu alongside sex, suntans, slavery and dark, pure greed. Jumpers for goalposts and £130k a week payslips!
Let’s do this…
I haven't matured, progressed, grown, become deeper, wiser, or funnier. But then, I never thought I would
Anti News spent the summer avoiding football like the plague that it is, enjoying instead an invite to push my face into an angle grinder for fun. I now look like Dave ‘Bigger’ Wheater.
Light relief came in the form of disguising myself as one of Westlife and singing at Wayne and Colleen’s wedding. Colleen, or indeed Westlife, didn’t see the fun side but the fag puffing Shrek had a good time.
Cristiano Ronaldo hogged the summer headlines after watching the Roots DVD box set and likening himself to a slave.
He had a point. After ‘working’ in the cotton fields of Euro 2008, he spent the evenings singing the blues on his Los Angeles penthouse porch after an obvious race hate lynching.
The Colour Purpled one was in danger of possibly being strung up outside Old Trafford with a burning cross stuck out of his pox riddled behind.
Luckily for him, human rights activist Sepp Blatter X Luther King blacked up and fought the good fight ensuring that Chicken George Ronaldo will be counting the Benjamins quicker than you can say KKredit Krunch.
I am blind, but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as broil. I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again
Back in the Boro it was far quieter, apart from John Darwin hiding in a Kanu, which surprised everyone including Harry Redknapp who got two for the price of one.
The Jurassic Park footsteps as Rochemback left for Tellytubby Land signalled a mass exodus of dead wood from La Riv.
Mendieta went to sun his palette in warmer climes and Anti News hero Dong Gook Lee started work experience at Crufts.
Skippy and Boateng left for relegation threatened Fulham and Hull, a case of jumping out of the frying pan into the, er, frying pan.
Clatters left for Wigan and a lifetime of suspension, albeit for a respectable £3.5m. Good luck to the lad.
A new fitness coach meant Midough cut out the Greggs, causing shares to fall quicker than Anti News’ shorts at Jessica Alba’s summer pool party.
I've learned from my mistakes and I'm sure I can repeat them exactly
Didier Digard and Marvin Emnes arrived with barely a pun between them, with other signings looking as thin on the ground as Gillian McKeith’s poop after a toilet malfunction.
The fans’ main concern, other than ticket prices, lack of any audible atmosphere at La Riv and what Mr G will be wearing this season, is the lack of a Trade Descriptions Act goalkeeper.
Fear not faithful Smoggies as I can reveal that Mr G has lined up some spectacular options including Dev from Coronation Street (Grade A bonkers, must be a goalkeeper, or a drummer); comedian Peter Kay (everyone loves him) and Jay-Z, on the basis that if anyone could get the West Stand to wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care then it would be Jay-Z.
The final option is currently being grown in a test tube and will be called Britney Obama Bush Bin Hilton, mainly included here to increase my Internet search results but a possible marketing idea for MFC.
There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top
So, the new season. Looks exciting, huh? Stop snoring at the back. Desist from putting pencils up your nostrils and head butting the desk. Stop dreaming of cavorting naked with Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt/Jamie Pollock (delete as applicable) and pay attention!!
It’s going to be another long hard slog to 13th; Sky Sports Super Sunday will be extended to Sky Sports Super Sunday And The Other Six Days Because Murdoch Is God And The Big Four Are The New Disciples; England will fail to qualify for the World Cup; Dean Windass will score against Boro.
I think I ran out of ambition at 24... Indolent. I see nothing wrong with that
If the world were a sane place with any ethics or morals, football would disappear up its own inflated bulbous arse and fart itself to Mars for a kick about with E.T.
(Un)fortunately, the world is as mad as a crack squad of suicidal squirrels taking on gangsta rapping toads on Sherry Blair Trifle Island for the Mugabe Arse Cup (live on Sky Sports 2).
Instead we are stuck with Premier League Football and all the equally ridiculous trials and tribulations it brings. Roll on summer…
And with that…
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £43.60 ON MANCHESTER CITY v ARSENAL
The Premier League returns to action this weekend and did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's clash between Manchester City and Arsenal, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £43.60, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £43.60 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match and we will collect £154.60 if Arsenal win, £155.00 if Manchester City win and £156.86 if it is a draw. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Sky Bet .
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of FTB125 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £48.00 into your new Sky Bet
account.
Deposit £38.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £48.00 on Arsenal at 6/5 with Sky Bet
.
Sky Bet will now add a £20.00 free bet to your account. Place this on Arsenal as well. You will now have £68.00 riding on Arsenal.
Back the draw with £38.00 at 3.6 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on Manchester City at 3.1 (21/10) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on Manchester City.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Arsenal win, you collect £154.60. That's £129.60 from Sky Bet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £156.86. That's £131.86 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Manchester City win you collect £155.00. That's £130.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Manchester City v Arsenal match is Arsenal win and you make £43.60 profit. However, if Manchester City win you make £44.00 and if it's a draw win you make £45.86. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing arbitrage bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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