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THE ANTI NEWS - THE KIRK LAZARUS ISSUE 2-9-08
Gordon Dalton
With Boro firmly placed in a European place, things are looking up. We now have the skills and ability to beat ten men of a newly promoted team, score own goals at random and decide which one of the million chances we get to score.
Woo-hoo! Champions League here we come…
Let’s do this...
I know who I am! I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!
So the transfer window slammed shut last night, causing Sky Sports News to ejaculate more wildly than a Republican candidate’s daughter’s boyfriend. Frankly, Anti News is relieved. The window has been open longer than Sienna Miller and has more flies and bullshit hanging about it. With only the uber-rich and uber-desperate taking any notice, Boro managed to avoid any Jason Eullisms or over expensive panic buys, mainly because we spunked it over Alfonso Alves back in January.
Such was Alves surprise at scoring at the weekend he looked and played like a buggered badger with three legs, forgetting to take the million other chances he had. This spread through the team like a dose of the clap with Tuncay and Downing all wasting simple chances. Aliaiieiadere would have missed, if only he’d had a shot.
In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was OK to be stupid or dumb.
As Anti News became entranced by SSN, with occasional, erm, flicking over to watch Sexcetera, Boro were doing some late night business of their own. With two minutes to closing, Keith Lamb instructed Mr Gareth to go out and splash his cash. The Dunhill dappered one hotfooted it to the twenty-four hour garage and managed to snap up some Space Raiders, a Double Decker and a Twix, going over budget by outrageously getting a can of Dandelion & Burdock. The greedy get.
Mama, I'll see you again tonight in my head movies. But this head movies makes my eyes rain
As predicted by everyone, but especially Anti News, at the start of the season, the EPL has gone stone cold crazy with Man Shiteh leading the way. Transfer fees and wages are higher than Pete Doherty’s cat and the ethics of football are skankier than Amy Winehouses’ knickers.
Elsewhere, Hull City’s Phil Brown caused consternation having being attacked by a hairy slug, which now sits on his top lip. If points were given out for dodgy facial hair, Brown would be challenging for top spot with Rafa and his ever changing goatee, which he have bought from an actual goat, albeit a blind one with personality disorder issues. Where he gets the money from for his follicle frolics is unknown as McHicks Plc has the purse strings at Anfield tightened more than Joan Rivers face.
Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box
Anyway, Boro go into the International break with Mr Gareth’s preferred squad intact, including Mido who ignored the lure of Wigan’s finest pies. All this stability, lack of panic and the fact that we are actually quite good this season is more worrying than Gary Glitter’s latest hairpiece. Still, England are playing this week, so plenty to laugh at there…
And with that
BACK TO ANTI NEWS
INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £43.60 ON MANCHESTER CITY v ARSENAL
The Premier League returns to action this weekend and did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's clash between Manchester City and Arsenal, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £43.60, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £43.60 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match and we will collect £154.60 if Arsenal win, £155.00 if Manchester City win and £156.86 if it is a draw. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Sky Bet .
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of FTB125 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £48.00 into your new Sky Bet
account.
Deposit £38.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £48.00 on Arsenal at 6/5 with Sky Bet
.
Sky Bet will now add a £20.00 free bet to your account. Place this on Arsenal as well. You will now have £68.00 riding on Arsenal.
Back the draw with £38.00 at 3.6 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on Manchester City at 3.1 (21/10) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on Manchester City.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Arsenal win, you collect £154.60. That's £129.60 from Sky Bet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £156.86. That's £131.86 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Manchester City win you collect £155.00. That's £130.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Manchester City v Arsenal match is Arsenal win and you make £43.60 profit. However, if Manchester City win you make £44.00 and if it's a draw win you make £45.86. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing arbitrage bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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