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THE ANTI NEWS - THE FATHER'S DAY ISSUE 6-1-09
Steve Goldby
The Anti News would like to pass on its sincerest and heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of the late Gordon Dalton, custodian of this famous old column for the last two seasons until a tragic incident over Christmas 2008 took him away from us forever.
Hang on - let me clarify this. Gordon hasn't died. He got fired in December as the column was constantly late in...
So the responsibility for the weekly rehashing of bad jokes, awful puns and lame old punchlines is once again down to me.
Let’s do this...
"The champ Mason Dixon is leaving - this is a horrible scene. Dixon wants no more! The crowd is growing more aggressive at this lacklustre event. It was just a matter of time before all hell broke loose."
Stewart Downing's transfer request was rejected by Middlesbrough on Monday, along with Tottenham Hotspur's improved offer for the England winger. Chief Executive Keith Lamb said on the club’s official website:
"Prior to receiving the transfer request, we received an improved offer for Stewart from Tottenham.
"We immediately rejected this offer and informed Tottenham that Stewart Downing is not for sale and any further interest they have in the player will not be entertained."
We despatched an undercover reporter to Hurworth who managed to get a look at the aforementioned written transfer request. It read something like this:
Dear Mr Lamb,
Please excuse our Stew from games and P.E. for the rest of his contract as the family is moving to London.
We're very sorry for any inconvenience this may cause but I've thought long and hard about his decision to hand in a transfer request and I've come to the conclusion that the club haven’t matched my expectations to invest in the squad.
I'm also frustrated that the team is once again struggling in the Premier League and feel that a move is in our Stew's best interests.
Stewart's Dad
We tried to contact the winger but his Dad said he couldn't come out as he was having his tea. He also said that he wouldn't be available later as it was bath night and then early to bed.
Rumours that Downing's Dad had accepted an increase in Stew's pocket money from Uncle Harry at Spurs are unfounded at this stage.
"An empty beer bottle descends from high up in the bleachers and crashes with lethal impact on the canvas. The twenty or so people in the ring panic, shielding their heads while frantically scanning the crowd. The booing increases."
Boro laboured to a win over Sunday league pub side Barrow in the FA Cup third round at The Riverside on Saturday but were rewarded for their sparse victory with a fourth round away trip to either Birmingham or Wolves.
Barrow came very close to being involved in a major upset on Saturday but this was prevented when Afonso Alves's late strike went wide, thus denying the Brazilian miss-meister his hat-trick.
After the game, Barrow claimed that their efforts on goal were thwarted due to Boro having an unfair advantage in the form of real goalposts.
"If we'd had jumpers down for goalposts like we usually do then we'd have been on a level playing field. Mind you, Farmer Brown has just ploughed the pitch due to the winter turnips being ready so we don't even have a level playing field at home to be honest..." claimed a Barrow spokesman, shortly before boarding the team tractor for the long journey westwards.
Birmingham City's back four contains three former Boro players, namely Franck Queudrue, Stuart Parnaby and David Murphy. This is a bad omen given Boro's penchant for allowing ex-players to score against us. So you can guess the outcome should the Brummies prevail against Wolves.
Stewart Downing's Dad says that Wolves are dead certs for promotion this season and that Mick McCarthy is a good manager who was unfairly sacked by Sunderland. So there.
"I was training myself to do things that were uncomfortable because I knew getting used to being uncomfortable might come in handy one day - like when some sledgehammer pug is trying to flatten parts of your head and body."
Derby have signed Boro centre-back Seb Hines on a month's loan.
Hines has risen through the youth ranks at Middlesbrough but has made just six first-team appearances. His solitary outing this season was in the defeat to Hull last month.
The twenty-year-old will be eligible to face Manchester United in the Carling Cup semi-final first leg at Pride Park on Wednesday.
The Anti-News would like to congratulate Mr Gareth for his lateral thinking in finding new ways of developing a squad with experience for next season's Championship campaign.
Stewart Downing's Dad declined to comment on the loan move but was at pains to mention that the beer in London is not as bad as everyone makes out, according to friend of the family Jonathan Woodgate.
You know all there is to know about fighting so there's no sense us going down that road again. To beat this guy you need speed and you don't have it. What we'll be calling on is good old fashioned blunt force trauma. Let's start building some hurting bombs."
"Mido is on the verge of leaving Middlesbrough because he wants to play regularly," Mido’s brother, Tamer Hossam Wasfi, told FilGoal.com on Monday.
Mido is rumoured to be looking for a club who can cure his mysterious affliction of obtaining injuries ten minutes before kick-off, as has happened this season against Sunderland, Blackburn and Wigan.
Stewart Downing's Dad reckons that Mido needs to be at a settled club where the players and management all get along and where he isn't having barneys with his team-mates all the time.
So Newcastle it is then.
"It ain't over 'till it's over..." "Where's that from? The '80s?" "That's probably the '70s..."
Boro chairman and saviour Steve Gibson has again insisted that the club will not be selling any of their big names this month.
"I repeat: none of our senior players will be leaving the Riverside Stadium this month," the Boro supremo told The Times.
'Stewart Downing, Mido, Gary O'Neil and anyone else who we can get a fair price for are not classed as senior players though', the Chairman might have added but didn't.
Downing's Dad said that he thought Mido would move overseas and that O'Neil would fight hard for a move back to Portsmouth but would ultimately obtain this in the summer after Tony Adams had been given the sack.
"It ain't about how hard you hit. Its about how hard you can get hit. And keep moving forward."
Boro's next assignment is a derby day special against a Keane-less and rejuvenated Sunderland side. The match is a two-pronged challenge and a double-edged sword for Boro as we fight for local bragging rights and for precious points to see us through the impending relegation battle.
Steve McClaren's side had a well-earned reputation for winning the matches they weren't supposed to win and we need to call on that same spirit against Sunderland to prevent us dropping like a stone into the bottom three.
But have Southgate's Boro got that spirit?
I have a sneaky feeling that Boro digging in their heels and playing hardball over Downing's transfer will manifest a new determination on the playing side.
Let's hope it leads to a new era where Teesside Steel is once again at the forefront of our club's make-up.
And with that…
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
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