THE JAMES BASSETT COLUMN 28-9-04

How exciting, my very own column on the World's Premier Boro website. With some supremely talented colleagues it's difficult to know where my scribblings will fit in. So what should you expect? Well, it's difficult to say. Basically, if it's detailed analysis of Boro comings and goings with a healthy dose of the obscure chucked in for good measure, then you should check out Packwolf's Howl post haste. If it's brilliantly impassioned writing then investigate Steve G's terrific columns immediately. If you don't fancy either and you want some hastily cobbled-together commentary of the week's Boro news, then try this out for size. Comments, criticisms, compliments to the usual address please.

Let's do this.....

"Grinning in the corner going do da do do da do."

Following the shitty performance at Goodison Park, Steve McClaren initially said that he would offer no excuses for the dismal efforts of his team. However, he must have spent Sunday night thumbing through the book entitled 'Generic Excuses For Footballing Ineptitude', because by Monday morning, he had some beauties up his sleeve. Apparently the reason Boro lost was that they were tired following the 3-0 trouncing of hapless Czech Champions, Banik Ostrava. McClaren said, "Teams always suffer fatigue after a European game in midweek, it was a very emotional night for all of us and it showed in the way we started the game." A good reason that might be, were his team not made up of professional athletes who train four days a week and Mark Viduka.

Not buying the tiredness excuse? Well, then McClaren had another reason for Boro's failure, not that he was making excuses, oh no. Apparently, the team need to stop relying on Mark Viduka and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink to score their goals. Desperately seeking to absolve himself of any responsibility, McClaren insisted, "We needed a contribution from elsewhere on the pitch against Everton. When the front two aren't scoring we need other players to provide the goals." After 286 years without a striker capable of scoring more than 4 goals a season, surely the midfield has earned its break?

"Let the bells ring, he is the real thing."

Boro legend Brian Clough died from stomach cancer at the age of 69. If it's a proper tribute to the man that you seek, I suggest you check out Steve G's excellent column on this very site. However, I will say that the man was an absolute legend and it's a crying shame that we will never see his like again. While it's his managerial success with Nottingham Forest and Derby that stand out, his 14,000 goals in 18 games for Boro is an amazing feat that will probably never be repeated.

Godspeed Mr. Clough.

"This useless old fucker with his twinkling cunt."

Surely Italian Massimo Maccarone, 24, has decided that he'd quite like to play for the Italian national team again. The £8.15m flop managed to score twice for Parma in their 3-2 UEFA Cup win over Maribor. The slap headed pasta guzzler said, "At Boro, the coach did not plan to use me much and I did not want to stay only for the money. The move can be very good for me - wearing the Azzurri shirt is the dream of every Italian footballer. The chance to return would be beautiful and that is my ambition."

Maccarone has good cause to feel he is worthy of a place, he previously terrorised England's U-21 squad single-handedly before delivering a splendid cameo against England proper in a friendly. While much of his time at Boro was blighted by his inability to stand up in the opponent's 18-yard box, he did manage to net 3 goals in 86 appearances. With the likes of Vieri, Totti, Del Piero, Montella, Di Vaio and Cassano vying for strike berths in the Italian team you can see why Maccarone thinks he's got a shot at it.

"With an ashtray as big as a fucking really big brick, I split his skull in half."

Malcolm Christie is nearing a return to first-team action as he continues his comeback from injury; in fact the hard-working striker managed to bag another goal for the reserves in midweek.

Christie has been out of action since last November when he was fast becoming Boro's premier hitman having scored, erm... 6 goals in his 11-month tenure. Nonetheless, despite our cup success last season, he was much missed. Boro desperately needed his work rate whilst Maccarone spent time on the floor, Joseph Job fiddled with his hairband and Szilard Nemeth sulked on the bench. However, the story is different now. Mark Viduka and Hasselbaink are both scoring for fun, so much so that even the prolific Maccarone has been deemed surplus to requirements.

Anyway, whether he makes it into the first team or not [he won't], it's heartening to hear that he's nearly completed recovered from a career-threatening injury.

"Homos roaming the streets in packs."

Boro drew mid-table Championship outfit Coventry City in the third round of the Carling Cup. While we'll certainly be hard-pressed to retain our trophy, we should cruise past a team who got thumped 3-0 by Leeds not long ago.

"The Chinese contortionist says it, the backyard abortionist says it."

In the most obvious statement of the week, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink told assembled journalists that, "In the modern game, if you are winning 3-1 with half an hour to go, you shouldn't concede four goals." He was, of course, referring to Boro's pathetic capitulation against Arsenal mere weeks ago, when they raced into a 3-1 second half lead before surrendering 4 goals in 0.17 seconds.

Hasselbaink went on to say, "It hurt a lot losing to Arsenal the way we did because we made stupid mistakes and it was our own fault that we lost." Completely disregarding the embarrassing defeat at the hands of Everton, Hasselbaink finished by saying, "I hope we can keep this winning mood going and try to build on this."

"O Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson, why you close up shop so late?"

Chris Riggott has warned Ugo Ehiogu that he faces a battle to win back his place in Middlesbrough's backline. Stop laughing at the back, he's serious.

Riggott, adopting his most austere tone, said, "I have to think that I can win the shirt from Ugo permanently. There is no point in me coming here and being happy to play back up. I have to show I can win a place in the team on merit." And in the most honest statement uttered all week, Riggott concluded by saying, "I just have to play as well as I can week-in and week-out and make it difficult for the manager." In light of his performances against Newcastle, Arsenal and Everton, he certainly is making it difficult for McClaren.

"I saw some ordinary slaughter, I saw some routine atrocity."

A lifeless encounter was played out in front of a 32,000 crowd at the Riverside on Saturday lunchtime. Pre-game McClaren had referred to Jose Mourinho as, "a breath of fresh air." However, just fifteen minutes into the game it became clear that McClaren was simply pleased to have a manager with even less attacking nous than him in the division. In fact, so dull were the first twenty minutes that Russian journeyman Alexi Smertin had registered the best shot.

However, towards the end of the first half, Boro started to constantly attack the Chelsea goal but were not bothering with troubling Peter Cech. To put a stop to such wilful disregard for his negative tactics, McClaren ordered Hasselbaink to change into Ugo Ehiogu's shirt, presumably in the hope that he would play like the giant centre-half. It worked, Hasselbaink managed zero shots on target during the second period.

Besides drawing new levels of tedium to the Riverside, the game also saw Ray Parlour dramatically stretchered off with a cut to his knee caused by a collision with William Gallas and Joseph Job and Mark Viduka both hobble off with hamstring strains. Boro also had 13 definite penalties turned down by the useless Mark Halsey. Maybe if we'd protested a little harder?

Having woefully missed chances that Viduka and Hasselbaink would have dreamed of, Didier Drogba suddenly realised with 10 minutes left to play that he's a £24m striker and that his job is to score, not behave like a longer-haired Emile Heskey. For the second time this season [the first being Dennis Bergkamp's goal at Highbury], Colin Cooper wasn't quick enough to close his man down and Drogba's powerful shot easily beat Mark Schwarzer. Despite being nearly as pedestrian as Boro, Chelsea probably deserved the win, but when Boro's best effort is courtesy of a Gareth Southgate 30-yard, left-foot volley, you know it's hardly been a vintage performance, but a somehow fitting end to a pretty lousy week.

And with that....