THE JAMES BASSETT COLUMN 4-10-04

Ah, the beginning of my second communiqué. Well, we've just witnessed a week that will be remembered for a gang of children gleaning the two most satisfying 1-1 draws in the club's history. With all the hype this week surrounding Wayne Rooney, Boro fans should be thankful that our club hosts the most talented set of home-grown youngsters in the country. Yes, even better than Yeovil's.

Let's do this.....

"Laughing her head off in the Reeperbahn."

Stuart Parnaby chose the fall-out of Boro's pathetic loss to Chelsea to announce to the world that Michael Reiziger is going to have to fight for his place in the Boro team. Now, we've all roughhoused a slapper or two after a few too many Stellas in The Blue Orchid, but offering a bloke out when you know he's got a dislocated shoulder is pretty lily-livered. "I've got to take this opportunity. I know what I'm capable of," the Durham-born coward said. Shame on you, Stuart. Shame on you.

"Pasties and a G-String, beer and a shot."

Sir Alex Ferguson is mulling over a January move for Mark Schwarzer. Apparently, the purple-nosed misery guts will offer Wes Brown or Phil Neville to Boro as an incentive. Presumably as an incentive to Schwarzer who would probably rather play behind a defence consisting of neither of them.

"Eddie Grace's Buick got four bullet holes in the side."

Not content with threatening to pummel a hamstrung former Dutch international, self-styled Boro hardnut, Stuart Parnaby reckoned that the Boro team are prepared to brave a hostile crowd to see Middlesbrough through the group stages. Now Stuart, it's one thing to beat a bloke up when he's got a broken arm, but surely 13,000 Czechs is a bridge too far? Perhaps giving it a second thought, Parnaby downed his knuckle-dusters briefly to talk tactics, "They played on the counter-attack over here and that's how we've got to play over there." Remind me Stuart, what was the score at the Riverside? That's right, we thumped them 3-0. Probably best if we don't play the same way as them then, eh?

"Opium, fireworks, vodka and meat."

While the whole of Manchester was fastening their Grandmother's chastity belts as Wayne Rooney sought to celebrate his debut hat trick, former United Assistant Manager, Steve McClaren, was busy furrowing his brow in light of a massive injury crisis.

Joseph Job and Chris Riggott were both struggling with thigh injuries, Mark Viduka had tweaked his back lifting his massive frame off the sofa to answer the door to the Papa Johns delivery man, Ray Parlour had a William Gallas-sized hole in his knee, Jimmy Hasselbaink was having his head re-attached after John 'The Gent' Terry laced him last Saturday and Michael Reiziger was still shaken having been jumped from behind in the Rockcliffe car park by an unknown shaven-headed assailant.

There was, however, light at the end of the tunnel; Szilard Nemeth returned to training following a bout of the shits while limping hotshot Malcolm Christie and lethargic midfielder Gaizka Mendieta were deemed fit [enough to sit on their arses on a chilly Thursday night].

"Kommienezuspadt."

Middlesbrough managed to overcome serious injury problems and the dismissal of clumsy fullback Franck Queudrue to reach the UEFA Cup group stages after a 1-1 draw in the Bazaly Stadium in Ostrava.

Boro started fairly brightly, with Szilard Nemeth and makeshift striker Bolo Zenden both coming close to breaking the deadlock. However, Boro eventually fell behind courtesy of a wonder strike from Banik glamour-boy - well, he's got peroxide in his hair at any rate - David Bystron. Following a blatant handball and a clumsy challenge on the improbably named Zdenek Pospech, Queudrue was sent-off leaving McClaren to employ a fascinating 8-0-1 formation for the remaining half an hour.

While Boro didn't get the ball out of their 18-yard box for most of the half, the final kick of the match was had by James Morrison, aged 12, who latched onto a George Boateng pass to score on his first full debut. His calm finish immediately drew comparison with Wayne Rooney; let's hope, for his sake, that his taste in women is slightly less cruddy.

A 4-1 aggregate win in our first ever European tie, against the champions of a nation who reached the semi-finals of Euro 2004 is no mean feat. But to do it with a side shaved of 7 first team regulars is nothing short of incredible.

"Twenty nine gypsies in a caravan stoned."

The buffoons at UEFA have announced the most complicated fixture arrangement since I tried putting up a shelving unit designed by MC Escher. The teams have been seeded according to their domestic and European form. Each of the 8 groups will contain 5 teams. Each team will play 2 home games and 2 away games. This makes the UEFA Cup, almost certainly, the most cock-eyed tournament of all-time. These fucking imbeciles need to stop banning people for taking their shirts off and get their fucking house in order. This arrangement is a farce, either play everybody home and away or keep it to knockout, it surely can't be difficult to see that this arrangement isn't fair. The seedings for the groups phase are as follows. As usual, the teams with the most ridiculous names go in the lowest pots:

First Seeds
Lazio, Parma, Feyenoord, Newcastle, AEK Athens, VFB Stuttgart, Club Brugge, Rangers.
Second Seeds
Villareal, Auxerre, Schalke 04, Sporting Lisbon, Real Zaragoza, Besiktas, Benfica, Lille.
Third Seeds
Athletic Bilbao, Sevilla, Dinamo Zagreb, Basel, Sochaux, MIDDLESBROUGH, Utrecht, Grazer.
Fourth Seeds
Partizan Belgrade, Steaua Bucherest, Hearts, Heerenveen, Aachen, Amica Wronki, Panionios, Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk.
Fifth Seeds
Ferencvaros, Standard Liege, Egaleo, Alkmaar, Zenit St. Peterburg, KSK Beveren, Austria Wien, Dinamo Tibilisi

Then, of course, when the dust is clear, the top three teams in each of the 8 groups will advance. Then the Champions League no-hopers like Celtic join the fun, leaving 32 teams left to battle out for European football's 18th most prestigious trophy. The draw is on Tuesday 5th October and will probably be shown live on some loser channel like Euro Sport. Don't bother watching it; these draws are always very dull.

"He took down the tyre swing from the Peppertree."

Before the game at Old Trafford on Sunday, Gareth Southgate and Steve McClaren both admitted to shitting themselves about the thought of having to defend against Wayne Rooney. Clearly they had both forgotten that he scored 4 league goals last season and that Boro win every single time they travel to Old Trafford.

However, they had good reason to be slightly worried as Boro went into the game without all of the players who were missing from Thursday. In addition, Franck Queudrue withdrew from the squad at the last minute, probably with an injury of some sort. This meant that McClaren had to put out a team including Anthony McMahon [14] and James Morrison [12].

McClaren packed the midfield with both Zenden and Mendieta playing centrally alongside Boateng and the two nippers, Morrison and Downing, on the flanks. Szilard Nemeth was given the tough task of playing alone up front.

After a good start, it was Boro who struck first with Stuart Downing converting a James Morrison cross from point blank range. It was no more than Boro deserved, as they had been the better team in the opening exchanges, with Mendieta especially impressive.

The hype surrounding Wayne Rooney looked even more moronic than it had before the game, as he was shackled easily by Boateng, Southgate and even the previously error prone Riggott. Boro continued to probe and, the otherwise impressive, Mendieta should have sealed the win, but blazed over from close range.

United came forward en masse in the final twenty minutes; Ronaldo forced a good save from Schwarzer and Van Nistelrooy hit the bar. Eventually, United's 8th choice striker, Alan Smith managed to score an equaliser 10 minutes from time. Gary Neville should have won it late on, but he fired over from close range.

Have two 1-1 draws ever been so greatly appreciated? Probably not, but Boro have shown great spirit this week by coming through an injury crisis with nary a problem. On another note, how much longer can McClaren ignore the fact that Stuart Downing needs to start for us? Tune in next week to find out.

And with that....