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THE JAMES BASSETT COLUMN 11-10-04
Please accept my apologies for a slightly shorter column this time round. Following three 1-0 defeats and back to back 1-1 draws, you can understand my longing for a Boro match to write about. However, FIFA had other ideas. Boro weren't given a run out this week; instead we all got to pretend to care about Azerbaijan, Moldova and Belarus. Off the field, we were offered, "black shits," English threesomes and the launch of Air Arsenal.
Let's do this.....
"What you figure, that chalky outline on the ground is a father figure?"
Absurdly named, under-performing stoner, Bolo Zenden has denied that he feels under pressure from rival left-winger, Stewart Downing. Steve McClaren has twice managed to get both the southpaws into the team; on the opening game against Newcastle and last Sunday. Both times, the seasoned pro, Zenden, has been completely outshone by his young rival. Nonetheless, the Dutchman claimed, "I don't feel under pressure," essentially repeating my opening sentence. If you don't feel under pressure, Bolo, watch the videos, you were gash in both games.
"Fuck five, I want a hundred and eight mics."
Never one to go over the top, Steve McClaren described Sunday's draw at Old Trafford as, "the most memorable performance of my three years in charge." No question, it was a decent performance with an under strength team, however, his bravado completely overlooks the fact that Boro have beaten United with goals from Noel Whelan and Alen Boksic under his reign. And to be fair, I think Boro have enough ambition to expect to beat mid-table no-hopers nowadays.
"Either you like reincarnation or the smell of carnations."
He should have known he'd have a bad week, following his cameo against Banik Ostrava, below-average Championship outfit; Sunderland suddenly started sniffing around Malcolm Christie. Clearly, Christie didn't fancy joining forces to Kevin Kyle and Marcus Stewart and got straight on the mobile to old pal and leg breaker extraordinaire, Chris Riggott. Now I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to play for Sunderland, but surely getting Chris Riggott to stamp on your knee is a bit much, Malcolm.
"They call me starving Harlem scissor tongue, I lick tissue."
While Sven Goran Eriksson was mulling over the ways to include Michael Owen in England team, ["I know, I'll play 3 strikers." It's that kind of forward thinking that we pay him £4m a year for, folks.] and Spain's coach was calling Thierry Henry a "black shit," members of the Boro, Newcastle and Arsenal hierarchies were working out how to avoid three-way brawls erupting on the streets of Athens.
The issue is being treated with such seriousness that even Freddy Shepherd briefly looked up from his copy of Philippino Whores Monthly to suggest that we, "emphasise the excellent relationship that Newcastle enjoy with Middlesbrough," before muttering something about the Olympic games and then heading back to his den of iniquity to order up some 18-year-old brasses.
Meanwhile, Keith Lamb and his mates at the Middlesbrough constabulary, were offering the same boring rhetoric about travelling to Athens. "As our ticket allocation is again likely to be relatively small, we would strongly advise our supporters not to book non-refundable travel arrangements until they know whether their ticket application has been successful," said a club spokesman as the rest of Middlesbrough yawned.
"Lay that shit down, what is you a clown?"
Middlesbrough's third choice goalkeeper, Ross Turnball, has signed for Barnsley on a month's loan. It's been a slow week, okay.
"And I know he got it from Carlos The Midget."
Before heading back to Old Trafford, Steve McClaren tipped Gaizka Mendieta to shine against Lazio. The Spaniard was bought by Lazio for the ludicrous sum of £28.9m in 2001 but managed to spectacularly fail and ended up transferring to Boro for nothing just two years later. McClaren added, "I don't think he has anything to prove," instantly forgetting that even Juan Sebastian Veron manages to look like a good player in Italy.
"I'll shoot an arrow at you and my name ain't Cupid."
Determined to help me out with stories in a very slow week, Michael Reiziger claimed that he will be back in action before the end of the month. This is almost certain to mean that Stuart Parnaby will make way in the Carling Cup clash with Coventry on 26th October. After last week's antics, how Parnaby will take the news is anybody's guess.
Meanwhile, Joseph Job, Jimmy Hasselbaink and Ugo Ehiogu are all expected to be fit for next Saturday's clash with Blackburn. You hear that? There's a game to talk about next week, you might just get a decent column out of me.
And with that....
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