THE JAMES BASSETT COLUMN 18-10-04

The thick-as-shit, tabloid saving England captain may have stolen the week’s headlines with his not quite Machiavellian cunning, but the footballing performance of the week was dolled out by a still weakened Middlesbrough side on Saturday in Blackburn. Elsewhere, Stuart Downing is attracting some interest from a Lancashire-based midtable shower and there’s a battle for the affections of a 6ft 6” Aussie. What am I talking about? Read on, you fools.

Let’s do this……………

“European boys, European boys, European Boys looking for sausage.”

Manchester United are understood to be considering a New Year swoop for Middlesbrough’s lively winger and current Teesside flavour of the month, Stuart Downing and will use Phil Neville as bait. It comes as no surprise that even Ferguson has finally realised that Ryan Giggs’ star has been on the wane for four years. The bothersome Scotsman is hoping that his former Assistant, Steve McClaren, will be tempted by Phil Neville’s versatility. Apparently, he can do vapid as well as gormless.

“Wendy’s, Sambo’s and Long John Silver’s take advantage of the efficiency.”

When he wasn’t sniffing around a 19-year-old whippet, Sir Alex Ferguson was fluttering his eyelashes at error-prone Aussie, Mark ‘Skippy’ Schwarzer. Schwarzer admitted that Ferguson’s interest was “flattering,” at a press conference while Elton John’s ‘Sacrifice’ played in the background. However, before joining hands and running into the sunset with Ferguson, Schwarzer should pause for a moment. Ever since Peter Schmeichal left Old Trafford, Ferguson has made a habit of fucking his goalkeepers in the arse.

As he looked around for his Dido CD, Schwarzer continued, “to be honest, I’m not sure what is going to happen.” Meanwhile in Manchester, Sir Alex had put up posters of Massimo Taibi, Mark Bosnich, Tim Howard and Ricardo and prepared the KY Jelly.

“Together as a system, we are the best in the world.”

Middlesbrough will not be appealing against UEFA’s decision to fine them €6,500 - approximately £3.50 - for their fans’ “improper conduct” in Ostrava. Meanwhile, Banik Ostrava were fined €26,000, approximately enough to buy one loaf of bread from their local bakers. The fines relate to the UEFA Cup game which was marred when home fans threw missiles from the stands and set off a pyrotechnic device after earlier clashing with Boro supporters before the game.

Czech fans also directed racial abuse towards some Boro fans, for which Banik were also condemned. Quite right too, racism has no part in football. Unless you’re a well paid international manager.

Banik were found guilty of failing to take sufficient security and segregation measures, while Boro were fined for the improper conduct of supporters who became embroiled in confrontation with opposition fans.

You want us to behave better next time? Then give us more tickets, you pillocks.

“Public execution can be so degrading.”

The Manchester United / Mark Schwarzer love-in took a further twist during the week when Steve McClaren, who had been spurned by Schwarzer, took his attention to the filthily named Finnish stopper, Jussi ‘Juicy’ Jaaskelainen. Tuesday’s entry in ‘My Diary’ by Steve McClaren said, “If Mark thinks he can get what he wants from Alex, then he’s wrong. I’m twice the man that purple-nosed bastard will ever be. Bill’s good at psychology and he says I should try playing Skippy at his own game. If he won’t commit to me, then I’ll find another bloke. I’m going to make Mark so jealous with Juicy. That’ll learn him.”

“European girls, European girls, European girls rarely wear pants.”

Home of ‘X-Factor Extra’, ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here Extra’ and ‘When Car Crashes Go Wrong Extra’, ITV2 will be showing the Boro vs Aigaleo game on Thursday. The alternative was Channel 5 and John Barnes. We should be very grateful.

“Vietnam and Watergate and eggs.”

Great news for Boro, who only managed to score four with a lone striker this week, Massimo Maccarone has no serious damage to his knee after undergoing exploratory surgery. Doctors seem to think that Maccarone injured his knee by staying on his feet for a full 90 minutes during Parma’s UEFA Cup win against NK Maribor.

“American boys, American boys, American boys learn how to kill.”

In an attempt to fill the deficient Spaniard with confidence, Steve McClaren tipped Gaizka Mendieta to shine against Lazio. The Spaniard was bought by Lazio for the ludicrous sum of £28.9m in 2001 but managed to spectacularly fail and ended up transferring to Boro for nothing just two years later. McClaren said, “I don’t think he has anything to prove,” instantly forgetting that Serie A offers such a slow game that even Juan Sebastian Veron manages to look like a decent player.

“Beer and soup would seem to be in the plans.”

Offering two fingers to the unemployed everywhere, Steve McClaren was busy bragging about all the jobs he has, after being bored to tears watching England stagger their way past Wales and Azerbaijan. In fact, McClaren was said to be so uninterested in Wednesday night’s fare that he spent the evening sending text messages to Mark Schwarzer. McClaren told assorted journalists that, “I come back from England and have learned quite a lot about international football [it’s dull as dishwater] and football in general [Michael Owen is shit],” said McClaren. He continued, “I get back with some new ideas [to use on Mark in bed], which is a bit of a pain [for both of our wives] and for the staff because they have to listen to me [and Mark] going on for a couple of days.” He concluded, almost inexplicably that, “I’m very fortunate I’ve good people at both ends who are very good.”

“Without more advertising, we can’t get the job done.”

Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink scored Middlesbrough’s first hat-trick since Fabrizio Ravanelli to ensure that Boro enjoyed a comfortable win over a hapless Blackburn side.

Lank haired Turkish cheat, Tugay was dismissed on the half-hour mark after scything down Gaizka Mendieta. Ten minutes earlier, the clueless kebab muncher had committed a cynical handball in front of the referee.

While the first half was a tepid affair, notable only for Tugay’s sending off, Blackburn managed to concede three goals in eleven minutes at the start of the second half to ensure that Boro left with the points. Hasselbaink’s first goal came from a Stewart Downing pass on 46 minutes. Two minutes later, Middlesbrough’s Dutch midfielder, George Boateng scored his first goal since 1984 when he latched onto a Mendieta through ball.

Downing provided Hasselbaink with Boro's third after 57 minutes, and the Dutchman rounded out his hat-trick in the closing stages as Blackburn completely capitulated.

The Skinny:

A great result for Boro, who were again without several first team players. Discounting Southgate, our back four had an average age of 14 on Saturday, so a clean sheet is no mean feat. Meanwhile, Downing’s charge to prominence continues unabated, just the two assists this week Stu? Is something wrong? Seriously, the kid’s a top quality player, the fans have known it for years and it’s good that McClaren is finally catching on. Also, it was pleasing to see James Morrison getting on for us again. Frankly, he’s got fuck all chance of getting into the team with Jimmy and Fat Mark in such fine fettle, but nonetheless, the kid looks quality. Next up on the horizon, a trip to Athens and then we play host to Portsmouth. Two certain wins, if I ever I saw them.

And with that……….