THE JAMES BASSETT COLUMN 26-10-04

Now, I'm no peacenik but with the all the hate in the world, it's heart-warming to see so much love surrounding The Riverside at the moment. Ferguson loves Schwarzer, McClaren loves Hasselbaink, Hasselbaink loves Viduka, Sven loves some old brass and also Stewart Downing. Get a room, fellas.

Elsewhere, it's been a tricky week for the rule makers due to a Charlie-fuelled Romanian. Now, I've always understood the offside rule, I can even talk you through the active/non active regulation that gave intellectuals like Andy Townsend such trouble, but even I've been having some trouble working out footballing rules lately. So it comes as no surprise that FIFA aren't quite sure what to do with this blood-sucking Nosferatu. Anyway, enough about non-Boro matters.

Let's do this.....

"Fifty cups of coffee and you know it's on."

Well, we all knew it was coming. After another dazzling performance at Ewood Park and with the shadow of Alex Ferguson already looming large over the nipper, Steve McClaren has decided it's time to announce that Stewart Downing isn't quite ready for promotion to the England team.

McClaren admitted, "Sven knows all about him," before adding, "but he has a hell of a long way to go before he is at that level." For some reason, visions of Steve Guppy, Chris Powell and Alan Thompson popped into my head.

"Is your name Michael Diamond? Nah, mine's Clarence."

While McClaren was determined to ward off suitors with his ill-judged synopsis of Downing, club captain Gareth Southgate was quite prepared to become the first entrant into the Stewart Downing fan club [you get a Stuart Downing lunchbox and a number '19' patch to sew on your jeans - details to follow on this site].

Southgate said, "He's very promising, he has a lot of pace, he can go inside on his right foot or go outside on his left. He has got great talent and he can go as far as he wants to." Embarrassingly, Southgate then had to leave the press conference as he had something to "attend to" in the men's room.

"Shit, if this going to be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potato."

You just couldn't shut Gareth Southgate up this week. After wanking over Stewart Downing he returned from the gent's to talk about Jimmy Hasselbaink and Mark Viduka.

The Boro skipper is convinced that the 20-goal mark that has eluded Boro will finally be attained this season. I think he was talking about individual players, but he could easily have been talking about the whole club.

"There's been nobody at the club since Ravanelli who can score 20 goals a season, and in Jimmy we have a player capable of that. But we mustn't forget Mark Viduka as well. He's started the season off great too [with only one ban and one injury], and maybe we've got two players who can match Ravanelli [by leading us to relegation and then fucking off to Italy].

"Because I feel disgrace because you're all in my face."

Guess what? Another Boro player was in front of the press to brag about how great Stewart Downing is. This time it was Dagenham's answer to Robbie Savage, Ray Parlour. "They've always struggled there, haven't they, so I can't see why not," said Parlour of England's left-sided berth while instantly forgetting John Barnes' mazy dribble against Brazil.

"You're wicky wack with your ticky tack calls."

Before Boro's game against Aigaleo, Ray Parlour urged Middlesbrough to learn from Arsenal's difficult education in Europe to fuel their own bid for success on the Continent.

"It's difficult," he said. "It's totally a new experience when you play away from England, travelling - they drive on the right - , hotels - they don't serve chips with everything," before transforming into Sian Lloyd and continuing, "and the climate - the climate is going to be quite warm out there". "With scattered showers coming later in the afternoon," he may not have added.

Chuntering on about the Highbury Bottlers, Parlour surmised, "As much as they have dominated England in the last few years, we always struggled a little bit in Europe. But again, you've got to overcome that and you see them getting good points away from home now [presumably not including the lacklustre draws in Norway and Greece]. That's the most important thing, not to lose and if you can nick away wins, it's very important." Important. Not. Lose. Got it.

"All fucked up and I wanna so I'm gonna."

Following Boro's win over the only football club you can spell anyway you like, Steve McClaren hailed the victory as, "the perfect start" to their Group E campaign.

Ignoring a poor first-half when Boro managed to complete 3 passes, McClaren said, "We wanted to get a result here, maybe we would have settled for a draw but I just thought it was a perfect game for us." In fact, the whole game was pretty poor, notable only for the inclusion of three 'drop ball' incidents. Now, I'm aware that the 'drop ball' is a staple of playground football, but surely European competition demands something slightly cleverer than two players kicking the shit out of each other's shins for ten seconds? Nonetheless, with several players just out of short trousers, it's no surprise that Boro ran out winners.

McClaren rang the changes with one eye on their forthcoming game with Portsmouth and showed youngsters Tony McMahon and Jim Morrison the doors [geddit?] to the first team.

After the match, McClaren sought to deflect the growing attention around match winner Stewart Downing, who is already being touted as a solution to England's left-wing problems. "He continues his progress. He's got ability - he's showed that in the past and he's showed it again tonight," McClaren said while the rest of the world attempted to disguise their yawns.

"Yo what the coffee, sausage and tea?"

Injury-prone fullback bruiser Stuart Parnaby is unlikely to play again until January after breaking his leg in training. Parnaby is expected to be on the shelf for three months with the injury which was sustained prior to the game against Egaleo - but which was only diagnosed as a break since the team's return to England.

Now, I'm no doctor and I recognise that Greek medical technology is not probably as advanced as our own, but isn't a broken leg pretty easy to diagnose? Anyway, it's bad news for Parnaby who has impressed at either fullback position. "It's a real blow for Stuart, but he has bounced back from injuries in the past and will do it again," said McClaren, delivering possibly the most inappropriate turn of phrase he could muster.

The whereabouts of professional leg-buster Chris Riggott remain unknown.

"Fake right cross over and shoot lefty."

He must have been rutting some rum old slapper all week, because it took Sven Goran Eriksson until Friday to realise that the English tabloids had a brand new cause celebre, namely Stewart Downing.

Eriksson told the FA's website, "It's quite possible - he's doing well for the Under-21s and for Middlesbrough. We haven't had that natural left midfielder for a long time, like a Beckham on the right side or a Shaun Wright-Phillips, so of course I look for that."

So, Stewart will either end up picking the team despite delivering shit performance after shit performance or being brutally ignored despite stunning performance for his club.

"Now your Mum threw away your best porno mag."

Pasty-faced, wannabe used car salesman, Harry Redknapp sought to bring some attention to Portsmouth's game with Boro on Sunday by labelling the team currently sitting top of their UEFA Cup group and ahead of Manchester United, Liverpool and Newcastle United in the league as, "the biggest underachievers in the Premiership."

Redknapp - who manages a side who began the weekend in 13th place - admitted, "I would have to say they are the biggest under-achieving team of the past few years. I don't think they have done very well for what they've spent." Fuck off, you dense prick.

"Also known for the Flintstone Flop."

Apparently, more than one match was played on Sunday. I know, I didn't believe it either. Stewart Downing, officially the best player in the world, rescued a 1-1 draw for Middlesbrough against Portsmouth at The Riverside.

The indescribably talented 20-year-old struck with 75th-minuted equaliser to deny Portsmouth the points. His fine strike came after Nigel Quashie needlessly surrendered possession in midfield.

Boro were shocked into action after Diomansy Kamara netted a wonderful solo effort in the fifth minute. Ever the ambitious side, Portsmouth stuck 11 men behind the ball and hoped to leave Teesside with three points for the first time in a decade. In fact, Boro nearly nicked a win via a Mark Viduka header in the dying moments.

However, the win came at a cost; Gaizka Mendieta was stretchered off during the first half and the severity of his injury means that his season is now unfortunately over. Mendieta was replaced by Szilard Nemeth who came closest to scoring for Boro as he headed from a Downing corner. Jimmy Hasselbaink also squandered a couple of good chances for Boro as the points were shared in a fairly non-descript affair.

The Skinny:

Two words: Stewart Downing. In a week that housed a coke-fuelled vampire and "the game of the decade" [thank you for not over-selling it, Sky Sports], it's heartening that a homegrown Boro lad stole the headlines. Two goals, two assists and three show-stealing performances in 8 days is quite something. Zenden's no left back though, so McClaren has a serious decision to make fairly shortly.

Anyway, the coming week should be easy enough. We get to defend our trophy [how fucking good does that sound?] on Wednesday against a pathetic Coventry side and then play everyone's favourite London team, Charlton on Saturday. Downing to score a hat-trick in each. Trust me.

And with that....