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THE KARL MATTHEWS ISSUE 1-11-04
The press has been rife settling the debate about whether it was pizza, soup or everybody’s dignity, which was cast away last Sunday. Does anybody give a shit? Meanwhile, Adrian Mutu was put into a concrete-lined sack and chucked into the Thames for indulging in the devil’s dandruff. Oh, and Gary Megson was outpostured by the West Brom Chairman and found himself in the Job Centre queue on Wednesday morning.
Elsewhere, Boro’s squadron of under-14’s negotiated clashes with Coventry and Charlton with relative ease. All of which leaves Boro with the most glamorous game in their history to look forward to as Roman ponces Lazio come to town on Thursday. The game will be played without Gaizka Mendieta, who damaged his cruciate ligament last Sunday, the poor sod.
Let's do this........
"Jah Rastafari, I an I, Kat Slater"
Following a disappointing draw against Portsmouth in which unambitious cockney dipshit Harry Redknapp employed a 10-0-0 formation, Steve McClaren was in no doubt that Boro should have taken all three points.
Not only was the point harsh on Boro, who created several decent chances, but Gaizka Mendieta was stretchered off with what has now been diagnosed as a season-ending knee injury. However, the game was illuminated by The Best Player In The Universe, aka Stuart Downing, who scored a wonderful solo effort midway through the second half.
McClaren said after the game, “On another day we would have scored three or four, but we just lacked that little bit of cutting edge up front.” Meanwhile, Redknapp could only offer, “Apples an’ pears innit, get us a cuppa rosie, I’m off for some pie and mash.” Cock.
"Billy Mitchell out talking to Billy Mitchell"
With a bunch of grapes in one hand and a petrol station bouquet under his arm, Steve McClaren offered his sympathy to Stuart Parnaby, who broke his leg in Greece a couple of weeks ago.
Middlesbrough boss, McClaren has seen three of his first-team squad members sustain leg fractures this year, with Malcolm Christie and stupidly haircutted centre half Andrew Davies having both broken their legs this year. The spate of smashed bones has forced the Boro training staff into admitting that administering bear traps on the Rockcliffe training ground may not have been all that clever. “With hindsight, it might not have been the best idea. It was supposed to sharpen up their reactions, but it’s backfired badly,” a Riverside insider said.
Following last week’s comments when the unfeeling Boro boss taunted Parnaby’s inability to “bounce back”, McClaren said, “Stuart has been so unlucky with injuries and can’t get a run in the team.” Harsh bastard. With Michael Reiziger taking longer than expected to recover, Middlesbrough will have to suffice with spotty-faced oik Tony McMahon, who will have to break his schedule of hanging around the Hill Street Shopping Centre at the weekends.
"Pay the rent"
Disney loving midfielder, George Boateng has insisted he is not perturbed by his continuing absence from the Holland squad. The Boro enforcer has not yet been picked by new national coach Marco Van Basten, despite an impressive run of form for his club. However, the former Coventry and Villa man is adamant that Boro remains his priority.
“It is hard, but I am really focussed on things here at my club,” said Boateng, who has two caps to his name. “Even players like Patrick Kluivert, Clarence Seedorf, Bolo Zenden and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink aren’t involved,” he continued. “Van Basten wants to pick domestic players because people have been criticising the league, calling it Mickey Mouse. It is not Mickey Mouse, but it is not as international as England, Italy, Spain or perhaps France,” Boateng concluded before nipping down to Blockbuster to rent ‘Aladdin’ on DVD.
"Working from the pub in a pub stylee."
With nothing better to do than establish whether pea or tomato soup was thrown over Sir Alex Ferguson, it’s nice to see that the FA have found the time to investigate claims that Lomana Lua-Lua made an obscene gesture towards Middlesbrough fans at the Riverside.
Complaints are thought to have been made to both the FA and the police over the alleged incident, which is said to have occurred while Pompey were building a garrison around their 18-yard box. The player so shite they named him twice, kicked the ball forcefully into the crowd before allegedly directing a gesture at home supporters. It’s not the first time the dickhead has created controversy. He fell out with most of Congo during the African Cup of Nations, it was either because he got sent off or because he’s a fucking cock. I can’t be bothered to look it up.
Even Bobby Robson, who remained loyal to murderers like Patrick Kluivert, racist cunts like Lee Bowyer, accused rapists like Kieron Dyer and gobby little shits like Craig Bellamy managed to fall out with Lua-Lua during his time at Newcastle. The Congolese international, who used to sit on the bench for the barcodes, faces a lengthy suspension and heavy fine if adjudged to have incited the crowd.
"She has a daughter, could be her sister."
Ray Parlour has urged Middlesbrough to protect Stuart Downing from the dangers of superstardom. After some of the best performances in the universe, Downing, 20, has been touted as the answer to England’s left-sided problems and linked with a move to stuttering mid-table outfit, Manchester United, despite only making 12 Premiership starts.
Parlour has seen first hand what that type of adulation can do to young players, having played alongside the gambling, alcoholic disgrace, Paul Merson and drink-driving, Caprice-shagging soak, Tony Adams. The Dagenham born know-it-all said, “He’s only a young boy and you can’t put everything in the limelight. Sometimes it can kill players.” Ray, there’s one difference; Downing is actually a talented footballer.
"Alfie Moon and Spencer Moon going for running."
Two clangers by Coventry goalkeeper Luke Steele set Middlesbrough on their way to a comfortable 3-0 Carling Cup win.
The hapless Steele suffered a complete mix-up with defender Dean Leacock after only four minutes, allowing the ball to spill to Szilard Nemeth, who could not believe his luck as he tapped in the simplest of goals. The Coventry ‘keeper than failed to collect a cross from Colin Cooper, leaving James Morrison to score with another simple finish.
To the surprise of no one, Peter Reid’s failing Championship outfit rarely threatened Carlo Nash’s goal. Meanwhile, Boro spurned a series of good chances, with both Joseph Job and Chris Riggott guilty of profligacy in front of goal.
Danny Graham (13), on as a second-half replacement for Stuart Downing, grabbed Middlesbrough’s third; the youngster cut inside from a pass by Doriva and struck a hard shot past the flailing Steele.
"He talk to the bloke and he buy the drinks, Queen Vic with Peggy Mitchell."
Middlesbrough sources have dismissed speculation linking the club with a New Year move for Roma striker Vincenzo Montella. The Italy international - who is currently Roma’s leading scorer - is expected to be made available on a free transfer in January after a series of bust-ups with his bosses at the Stadio Olimpico.
But Boro are unlikely to lead the chase for Montella’s signature, with a Riverside insider saying, “Steve McClaren isn’t really interested, although agents are offering Serie A players all the time…. A new striker is very low on the manager’s list of priorities, especially one who will want big wages and regular first-team football.
That said, if anybody has a 21-year-old big-eared, bald centre-forward who can’t stand on his feet for five minutes, we would be interested in tabling an £8m bid."
"He's watching BBC on the newspaper."
However, while rumours surrounding a bid for Vincenzo Montella were quashed, reports persist that Boro are on the trail of Croatia’s hard to pronounce midfielder, Niko Kranjcar.
Kranjcar, a 20-year-old playmaker, currently plies his trade with Dinamo Zagreb, whose officials are understood to have held talks with Boro. In the interests of hiking up the price, Kranjcar’s advisors have announced that Barcelona and Juventus are interested.
A fee of around 2/3rds of Michael Ricketts (approximately £2.5m) is being mooted for the talented youngster, who has apparently jumped to the top of Steve McClaren’s wish list following the news that Gaizka Mendieta is out for the rest of the season.
"Gary Hobbs inna reggae music."
While this writer has been busying creating new superlatives to lavish on Stuart Downing and creating more Doors-based puns to use alongside Jim Morrison’s name, it turns out that these two nippers aren’t even the best ones we’ve got.
Colin Cooper believes there is much more to come from Danny Graham, who scored Boro’s third goal in their mid-week trouncing of Coventry. The Boro legend told the club website that, “Danny has scored goals for fun at every level. It’s a God-given gift and anyone who knows where the back of the net is on a regular basis deserves to be a given a chance. Danny is a really nice lad who works his socks off and he is a complete team man.”
Meanwhile, coach Steve Round believes that the current crop of whippersnappers will form the basis of the Boro squad for years to come. Round said, “From the moment they come into our Academy they are on a progression towards the first team. They got to the FA Youth Cup final and then went back the next year and won it - now they want to play in the first team."
"Buy the drinks, he takes no drugs."
Before Saturday's game at The Valley, Alan Curbishley admitted that he would be enviously looking-on at Middlesbrough's star-studded line-up.
Although Charlton recently announced they had made over £11m profit in the last year, Curbishley conceded he would never be able to spend the same amount of money as Steve McClaren, conveniently forgetting that Charlton wasted the same amount of money on Danny Murphy, Bryan Hughes, Dennis Rommedahl and Talal El Karkouri as Boro spent all summer.
Curbishley explained, “Our philosophy is that we either break even or make a small profit. The Parker money and the Jensen money was the profit.” Curbishley continued, “We sold out better players and then replaced them. Steve McClaren has added Viduka, Hasselbaink, Ray Parlour and he didn’t have to sell to bring them in. That is a different story,” while the world’s smallest violinist played in the background. What is it with these grumbling cockneys?
"Make a business in appointment style."
Middlesbrough continued their impressive Premiership form with a hard-fought 2-1 victory over Charlton at The Valley.
Charlton started brightly enough with Premiership debutante Jerome Thomas understandably hungry to see plenty of the ball in the middle of the park. However, it was Middlesbrough who created the most promising openings in the early exchanges. Stewart Downing’s inswinging corner nearly caught out Dean Kiely, who had to punch clear at his near post as the cross curled back towards goal.
It took only 20 minutes for Boro to take the lead. The impressive Downing broke on the left-flank, his pass into the danger area was only half cleared by Chris Perry. Zenden’s shot bounced first off Hasselbaink and then El Karkouri, before trickling past the wrong-footed Kiely.
However, Charlton drew level almost immediately after half-time, Jason Euell played a clever ball through to Jonatan Johansson, who slid the ball past Mark Schwarzer. This caused Boro to up the tempo and Hasselbaink was brilliantly denied by Dean Kiely following a wonderful through ball from Franck Queudrue. However, Bolo Zenden, capped a brilliant passing move to ensure that Boro left South London with all three points.
The Skinny:
A pretty simple week all in all, then. Two very good performances against pretty dire opposition. Nonetheless, we haven’t won at The Valley for six centuries, so a win was far from guaranteed. Bring on Lazio and fellow 4th place chasers Bolton.
A shame about Mendieta, on the bright side, it gives young Jim Morrison a chance to break on through [geddit?] to the first team. As an aside, is anybody else of the opinion that we seem to suffer more serious injuries than any other club? Three broken legs and a cruciate ligament in the same season, and we’re only eleven games in. What the fuck is all that about?
John Peel - RIP
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