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THE HIPPY ISSUE 11-11-04
The more eagle-eyed among you will have spotted that my column is late this week. The reason? My broadband connection has been fucked for five days. NTL, you truly are the shits. In other non-footballing news, I received my first Christmas card this week. Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently not.
What else happened this week? Well, apparently a load of pale blue Italian giants were going to turn up and show us that Boro are nothing but European whipping boys. Well, we're still waiting for them to show up. Instead some Italian also-rans came over for a kickabout and were duly sent packing back to Rome with their front tails between their legs. Such a beating was it, that some weirdo Roma-fancying guineas sent us an email at ComeOnBoro to thank us for defeating their hated enemies. I am not entirely sure what part I played watching, as I did, from home while John Barnes fucked around with the autocue.
Then Bolton came to town on Sunday. If a football match was played for 90 minutes while the ball was actually in play, the game would still be going on now. Nicky Hunt, El Diouf, you are both imbeciles. Oh and Hunt, get a human body, that strange thing that your head sits atop is not doing you any favours.
Let's do this........
"He's walking along with his soul in his lungs."
Clearly annoyed by Frank Warren lookalike and apples n' pears pillock Alan Curbishley's comments about the disparity between their two transfer budgets, Steve McClaren hit back at his dopey counterpart following Middlesbrough's victory at The Valley.
Curbishley cited his lack of spending power compared with that of McClaren as the reason for his side's 2-1 defeat last Saturday, single-handedly dismissing the fact that his team carry zero attacking threat and his midfield is as penetrative as the all-girl porno this writer downloaded last night. But the Boro boss hit back by insisting that last season's Carling Cup triumph - not hard cash - is to thank for the strong squad at his disposal.
McClaren said, "We only spent £4.5m on Mark Viduka - the rest were all free transfers," carefully kicking a briefcase stuffed with cash marked 'Jimmy Floyd's Signing On Fee' under his desk, "you look at teams like Newcastle, Charlton and Birmingham and they had a summer outlay of £8-9m. We attracted players because of what we did in the Carling Cup and the fact that we could offer European football this season. Viduka, Zenden, Hasselbaink and Parlour all came here because of that, well except Ray who came here so he could keep his former missus in diamante thongs. If we weren't in Europe, I don't think you would have seen the same quality of footballer coming to Middlesbrough this summer," McClaren said, frantically scribbling the words Emile Heskey, Stephen Reid and Nicky Butt off of last July's To-Do List.
"Hey, it's the sun and it makes me shine."
Boudewijn Zenden believes Middlesbrough's "rough diamond," Stuart Downing needs some buffing (insert own Carry On-esque joke here) before being allowed to shine for England.
With the most recent government census showing that England only has three left-handed people, Stuart Downing could be the answer to Sven Goran Eriksson's prayers; at least the prayers that don't involve saggy-titted Scandinavians.
After another mesmerizing performance, this time against London's eighth biggest club, Downing's stature and reputation continues to grow and it is currently thought that he may take a place in the England squad for the friendly against Spain.
Zenden though - clearly feeling that his decent run of form is being ignored - says, "It's difficult for me to say if he should play for England now because I'm not Eriksson," he said to journalists as they gasped in amazement. Then, briefly transforming into perma-tanned fop David Dickinson, he added, "But from what I've heard from Steve [probably McClaren but possibly McFadden], he says we've a rough diamond on our hands which we don't want to spoil. So it's up to the manager to deal with it. Cheap as chips, Bobby Dazzler etc."
"And somehow find a way to this new religion."
In news that may well shock the football world to its very core, Gareth Southgate has admitted that he believes his England career is at an end. Being put behind Sol Campbell, Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ledley King, Jonathon Woodgate, Anthony Gardner, Wes Brown, Jamie Carragher and Matthew Upson in the pecking order has given the astute Southgate the impression that he might not get a game anymore.
Southgate told assembled journalists that, "I've always said that if the opportunity arose again, I would love to play," he said while jabbing an assortment of centre-half shaped voodoo dolls with a pin, "but I don't expect it to happen. I think the manager has decided on the group of players he wants to take him forward to the next World Cup and, understandably, they're of a younger ilk." Southgate, who earned his final cap against Sweden in March concluding by saying, "I enjoyed my time with England. But if that was it against Sweden, then I've got no problems with the situation at all." Then why are you still talking about it, eh?
"You gotta be good, you gotta be strong, you gotta be two thousand places at once."
Formerly shit midfielder, Bolo Zenden's superb double strike handed Middlesbrough a richly deserved 2-0 win over Lazio in their Group E clash at The Riverside. The Dutch midfielder's 16th minute volley and 71st minute header did the damage and it was no more than Boro deserved as they took control of their group after demolishing their Italian opponents.
McClaren's men started cautiously before they realised the scale of ineptitude that stood before them. While the Romans had the first effort at goal, Antonio Filippini's cross-shot was all the Italians had to show for the first half. Boro's best effort in the early going came via a long-range Ray Parlour shot. However, it's worth noting that Lazio had stopped playing so that Giuilano Giannichedda could receive treatment for having too many vowels in his name.
Stewart Downing's low cross was deflected into the path of Zenden and he hammered a left-foot volley from outside the 18-yard box. Zenden's goal, and perhaps the realisation that Lazio are the shittest team to ever visit the Riverside, saw a sudden surge in Boro pressure, with Viduka, Queudrue, Boateng, Hasselbaink and Downing all having shots at goal.
After the break, the pressure continued with Hasselbaink and Viduka both spurning good chances. However, it was another Downing cross that led to Boro's second goal. An in-swinging cross from the right was met at the far post by the unmarked Zenden and he headed back across goal to double Boro's lead.
"Hold me now, don't start shaking."
How do you follow up the finest result in Middlesbrough history? Well the Middlesbrough hierarchy decided that the best way to celebrate a monumental result was to announce that Blackpool have signed Brad Jones on loan until the end of the season.
The 22-year-old Australian returns to Bloomfield Road in time to prepare with the rest of the squad for Saturday's glamour tie with Chesterfield.
Meanwhile, Sasa Ilic has departed Bloomfield Road after completing his three-month contract. Don't say I don't keep you abreast of all the big stories.
"And knowing is a comfortable fight."
George Boateng saved Middlesbrough from a home defeat to 10-man cheating timewasters Bolton by snatching an injury-time equaliser in a 1-1 draw at The Riverside.
The clumsy Dutch enforcer drilled the ball past substitute goalkeeping farce Kevin Poole in the dying seconds to prevent the Trotters going third in the Premiership. It was only his second goal in 18,000 appearances for the club.
The key incident during an insomnia-curing first half was a flashpoint between Ray Parlour and El-Hadji Diouf. The Senegalese disgrace was angry after coming into contact with Tony McMahon. Shortly after, Ray Parlour came within a metre of the diving, spitting, former African Cunt Of The Year which resulted in a typical piece of posturing from the idiotic former Liverpool girl.
In fact, thanks to lanky imbecile Nicky Hunt, the ball was only in play for 7 minutes in the first half. So the only other action of note was the booger that appeared atop referee Peter Walton's eyebrow.
However, while the first half had been a tepid affair, the second half was anything but. Mark Viduka, on as a substitute for Joseph Job, struck the top of the post with a powerful header from a Franck Queudrue cross with his first touch.
Eventually, Diouf collected a booking for sneering as Bolton began to pose Boro problems and 10 minutes after tactical mastermind Sam Allardyce brought on his leading scorer, Henrik Pederson, the giant Dane claimed his seventh goal of the season. Bruno N'Gotty's header was destined for the back of the net, but Pederson made sure from close range.
With a combination of diving, walking in slow motion to take throw-ins and corners, it looked like Bolton would eke out an undeserved victory. However, as Rahdi Jaidi inexplicably wandered up field, a punt from Schwarzer came right through to Jimmy Hasselbaink. The Dutch striker was felled by rumoured Boro target, Jussi Jaaskelainen. Jaaskelainen was shown a red card, but a free kick was awarded despite the fact that the foul occurred inside the area.
Boro charged forward seeking an equaliser and Boateng snatched it when he turned in from close range after Poole could only parry a Parlour piledriver.
The Skinny
Another lovely week in the land of Boro. Lazio came to town and were duly despatched. By the way, did anybody expect them to be so woeful? I've never seen such a poor footballing performance. And I include Argentina's 5-0 drubbing by Russia during the Paralympics. And some of them had no legs.
Bolton then turned up and cheated their way to a draw. All things considered, it wasn't the worst result in the world as fellow 4th place chasers, Everton, Liverpool and Man United all failed to win. Boro have only lost to the top three in the Premiership so far this season. Are we on the verge of something wonderful? Quite possibly, yes.
What's in store in the forthcoming week? Well, our youth team should beat Liverpool's at Anfield on Wednesday and then we get to play whipping boys West Brom on Sunday. Another couple of wins seems like a certainty.
And with that...
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