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THE LEGEND ISSUE 29-11-04
It's been the tale of three majestic returns this week. Firstly, Tom Waits played his first UK gig for over seventeen years, then Michael Reiziger found his way back into the Boro team after being beaten up by Stuart Parnaby a few weeks ago and then the James Bassett Column reunites with ComeOnBoro.com after a two week San Andreas enforced hiatus.
So what's been a-happening? Well, we got knocked out of the Careless Cup - yes, we can stop pretending it's a decent trophy now - by Liverpool's reserves, then we demolished a pretty hapless Albion side, a match which featured the worst miss ever by somebody who'd just been walloped in the cajones and cruised past a Liverpool side bereft of any strikers. All of which means we found ourselves fourth in the table, top of our European group and with a pair of Dutch midfielders who can't stop scoring. Oh and the rest of the world has been screaming out for the Best Player In The Universe to get an England call-up. About bloody time too.
Oh, and it turns out that most of Spain is racist.
Let's do this.....
"Does life seem nasty, brutish and short?"
Following Boro's pummelling of a ridiculously poor Liverpool side, the first news story of the week regarded Norwich's chubby shot stopper Robert Green. The weekend press - ever a reliable source - had suggested that Green would be the subject of a £3m bid from Boro in January.
"It's a story, that's all it is, and I don't read much into stories like that. It's all ifs, buts and maybes at the moment and it's easy to speculate. I don't really take any notice of stuff like that," said Green, who even for a footballer sounds thick as shit. Oh, he's from Norfolk. That explains it. Not willing to prove me wrong, he continued to say, "I'm contracted to Norwich and I expect to here on the 1st February. If you took notice of all the speculation, some players would be thinking [no, Robert, they wouldn't] they would be going somewhere every week." Lovely. Shall we move on?
"Hail Hail, the Eyeball kid."
Middlesbrough flop (well, how many games without a goal?) Jimmy Hasselbaink has admitted he may stay at The Riverside for good. The 32-year-old who hasn't scored for 150 games said, "People have always said they expect me to go back to Holland when my contract runs out, but I have no reason for wanting to go back. As far as I am concerned, I want to end my career in England and in the Premiership - and that could be at Middlesbrough, who knows?"
The Dutch international went on to say, "I am happy here [there are loads of youngsters to moan at], I have settled in very well and I'm enjoying my football. I am desperate to win a trophy here. I have never won a trophy in England and that's something I want to put right."
"Everett Lee broke loose again."
We all knew this was coming. Middlesbrough boss Steve McClaren has admitted he has two unhappy strikers at The Riverside. And he's not talking about Szilard Nemeth and Joseph Job. The Boro boss has revealed that the failure of Hasselbaink and Viduka to find the net in recent weeks has left them increasingly agitated.
Hasselbaink - who scored seven times in his first nine games - has not scored since 16th October 1885, while Viduka has drawn a blank ten thousand times since notching five in his first four matches.
"They're keen to get back on the scoresheet," said McClaren. "They're getting more and more ratty and frustrated in training because they're not scoring. But as I've said before, we can't rely on Mark and Jimmy to score the goals." Well, Steve we certainly can't rely on Nemeth or Job. "We need it in other areas, and we've had over twelve (that'll be thirteen) from midfield, which we didn't get throughout the whole of last season [because we played Jonathan Greening and Doriva there]."
"Mike Tyson, KO'ed."
Rising Middlesbrough star Jim Morrison pledged his future to the club by signing a new three-and-a-half year deal.
The eighteen year old has already scored twice in eight appearances, including a goal on his full debut against Banik Ostrava and continues to perform like a rider on the storm.
In putting pen to paper, Morrison becomes the ninth player to agree new terms since the end of last season, following Stewart Downing, Gareth Southgate, Franck Queudrue, Ugo Ehiogu, Joseph Job, Colin Cooper, Doriva and Ross Turnbull's decisions to extend their stays at The Riverside.
"Waltzing Mathilda, waltzing Mathilda, you'll go waltzing Mathilda with me."
Middlesbrough's tasted defeat in Europe for the first time on Thursday at the hands of an impressive Villareal side.
Goals from Antonio Guayre and Javi Venta either side of the interval ensured Steve McClaren's tactical gamble backfired in the Estadio El Madrigal. However, Boro remain in the driver's seat for a top-three finish in Group E and with it a place in the knockout stages, with only a mathematical improbability capable of ruining their chances. In fact, shoddy Greek outfit Egaleo need to win both of their remaining games to scupper Boro's chances.
The first real chance came Boro's way on nineteen minutes as a through ball from the otherwise disappointing Doriva sent Stewart Downing sprinting towards goal, but the youngster's shot was directed straight at Jose Reina.
At the other end, Mark Schwarzer - who had finally conceded that his plain white and plain puce ensembles are disgusting - paraded around like a giant antipodean Smurf. A seemingly harmless shot from Santiago Cazorla squirmed from his grasp on the thirty sixth minute. However, a minute later, Aussie Smurf was beaten as a superb through ball from Juan Roman Riquelme was delivered with precision into the path of Guayre, who flashed a right-foot drive into the net from twelve yards. In fact, Boro failed to get to grips with Riquelme who finally looks like fulfilling his promise as 'the next Rivaldo'. Expect Sam Allardyce to show an interest in about twelve years then.
Boro had been comprehensively outclassed in the first half and McClaren replaced Crap Doriva and Joseph Desire Job with Jimmy and Mark. After hilariously ballooning a shot high into the stands, Viduka turned on the style by unleashing a low shot which was inches beyond the left-hand post. Later, Riggott had a goal disallowed for offside after Viduka had knocked on a Downing free kick. But Villareal sealed victory on seventy four minutes, Javi Venta played a superb one-two with Riquelme on the edge of the area before rifling home into the roof of the net.
"She bottle fed an Orangutan named Tripod."
Hapless Tottenham gave new head coach Martin Jol three points against ten-man Middlesbrough on Sunday. The victory ended Spurs' run of six consecutive league defeats and enabled the side to avoid emulating the club's worst ever run of results under Ossie Ardiles ten years ago.
It was Boro who had made the brighter start, with Stewart Downing the main source of penetration down the left flank. Once again, only his final ball let him down. Meanwhile, Jermaine Defoe was the main threat from the Lillywhites and he hit the side netting with one effort and skewed another just wide.
However, while Downing was content to have a decent game of cat and mouse with the sturdy Noe Pamarot, Franck Queudrue has no such patience. The reckless Frenchman went in heavily on the Spurs right back and was given his marching orders. It seemed harsh. During the aftermath, George Boateng was booked for his protests.
Following the somewhat harsh sending off, Boro reshuffled. Bolo Zenden moved to left back. Now, Bolo has proved himself to be a decent left midfielder and a superior central midfielder, but he's utter gash as a left back. Downing and Parlour joined Boateng in a three-man midfield.
Pedro Mendes delivered an excellent low cross across the box and Defoe tucked the chance away with great aplomb. The feckless idiot was then booked for removing his shirt during his celebration.
Freddy Kanoute, who had just replaced the ineffective Robbie Keane chased down Mark Schwarzer whose clearance whacked the Frenchman in the knackers before flying into the net. It was the perfect summary of Boro's day.
The Skinny
I've got an idea... we'll play an under strength team in our toughest European game yet, y'know to keep everyone fresh for a game against the least impressive team in the Premiership. Well, that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Doesn't it?
We got taught a lesson on Thursday night. Villareal are a decent side and it was always going to be our toughest European match thus far. They kept the ball, took their chances and thoroughly deserved the victory. We'll be okay though, EI-EI-Egaleo won't beat Lazio at home, let alone garner a victory in Spain. A meeting with the Toon in the next round, anyone?
The Spurs game was farce. Franck's sending-off was harsh at best and the referee [I can't be arsed to check his name] was a disgrace. Frankly [no pun intended], I'm sick about it and can't be bothered to type anymore.
Finally, I see diving, cheating, pouting cunt El Hadji Diouf has been caught spitting again. I hate that useless brotherfucker.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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