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THE RED CANE ISSUE 7-12-04
So what's been going on? Not much. Apparently Arsenal are shit, Chelsea are now the GREATEST TEAM IN THE WORLD. EVER. BECAUSE THE SUN SAYS SO. SO THERE. Meanwhile, absolutely nothing else of interest has happened. You have to go all the way over to Italy to find a footballing story worthy of mentioning.
A former Juventus club doctor has been put in the slammer for administering a mixture of crack cocaine, sherbet dib-dabs and liquid mercury into a few Italians. Next up, the Old Lady Of Turin is going to lose the titles she cheated her way to in the mid-90s. Presumably, the champion-less titles will be put up for grabs in an It's A Knockout style contest between the clubs.
Let's do this.....
"I've got fiery hands."
Following the dour defeat at the hands of 17th place chasers Spurs, Middlesbrough confirmed that they have lodged an appeal against Franck Queudrue's red card. After his Missus had called him a "fucking poof" for not punching Phil Dowd in the face, Steve McClaren insisted after the game that he wanted to fight Queudrue's cause following his dismissal for a reckless, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style, two-footed tackle on Spurs' Noe Pamarot.
Boro acted swiftly on Monday morning to make an official protest to the FA against referee Phil Dowd's decision. An otherwise worthless Boro suit said, "We have asked the relevant authorities to ask the referee to review the video of the incident, which we feel was worthy of only a yellow card."
With the FA committed to outlawing two-footed tackles from the game, it seems that Queudrue's ban will stand. Queudrue's case is not helped by the fact that he has been sent to the showers more often than a junior recruit at the Deepcut barracks.
"Let me keep my gold tooth."
Back in the playgroud there was nothing more heartbreaking than a girl telling you she didn't want to go out with you BEFORE YOU'D EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO ASK HER OUT! Don't know how I feel? Middlesbrough Football Club certainly do having this week been rejected by Inter Milan boot cleaner, Andy van der Meyde. To date, Middlesbrough have shown zero interest in the Dutch shilly-shallier.
The Dutch winger has been linked with a New Year move to The Riverside in recent days (erm.. by who exactly?) with reports (again, by who?) claiming that Boro boss Steve McClaren sees him as the ideal man to galvanize his Champions League push.
But van der Meyde's agent has rubbished those suggestions, claiming his client is staying put at the San Siro. "The thing with Middlesbrough was just a rumour as far as we know," said Chiel Dekker (yes, really), "He is happy at Inter Milan. He is now playing, and that is the main thing." And to think, Steve McClaren had just etched SM 4 AVDM TLF on his desk with a Stanley knife.
"Rat boy in the corner taking a leak against the wall."
The FA might take an eternity to reach a decision on the big issues - was it pea or chicken soup that was thrown at Fergie? How many overpaid FA employees have spilt their load inside Favia Alam's putrid minge? - but it takes them literally seconds to decide that French hacker, Franck "extra c" Queudrue was guilty of somethingorother and the original three-match ban has been upheld.
In an attempt to justify their £150,000 salary an FA spokesman said, "Franck Queudrue's appeal was rejected. He has been given a three-match ban, starting with immediate effect." That's that then. Bolo Zenden at left back anyone?
"It's a rabbi in a brothel for the third time."
They must be trying to justify their Christmas bonuses down at Soho Square at the moment, because having failed to acknowledge Middlesbrough's existence since they docked us three points in 1997, we got not one, but two mentions from their swanky HQ this week.
The FA's Head Of Media, Adrian Bevington (imagine having a head made out of media. I mean, a head made out of televisions, newspapers, magazines, iPods, record players, CDs, film projectors.. How crazy would that be?) said, "certain reports had suggested that Downing had missed out on a place in the squad against Spain due to commercial pressure placed upon Sven Goran Eriksson with regards to certain players", but Bevington insists this is far from the truth, stating, "the coach felt Downing would benefit through more Under-21 games." Before adding, "besides, David picks the team anyway, so there's not much we can do."
Bevington went on to say that, "Downing was not left out of the squad for any other reason than that which Sven has already stated (that he'll make David look bad)." He assured readers of the Middlesbrough Evening Gazette that, "The FA has never included clauses in any of our commercial, broadcast or match contracts concerning the squad or team selection for any England fixtures (apart from in David Beckham's case)."
"Tommy was a good man."
Boro qualified for the UEFA Cup knockout stages on Thursday without kicking a ball.
Former European giants, UEFA Cup favourites and now next season's Serie B also-rans Lazio could only manage a draw with Egaleo - a result which means that Boro can only finish inside the top three of Group E and could still finish top.
"A sheepdog playing with 89 bones."
There are plenty of things that tick this writer off - speed cameras, the Band Aid 20 single and the proliferation of orange Smarties in the tube currently being devoured, to name but three - but it takes something very bad (like pop-up ads) to make me descend into a bout of uncontrolled finger-wagging.
Well, Steve McClaren could obviously do with a Tai Chi session, because he has been charged with improper conduct following a bout of digit wiggling at Phil Dowd in last Sunday's clash with Spurs at White Hart Lane. At least we can be clear of one thing; improper conduct is now a catch-all charge for those partaking in faux headbutts, spitting at fans, pretending to snort a painted white line and fluttering your index finger at an inept official.
McClaren, meanwhile, was quick to deny the charge. However, he chose to give a rather sexually charged statement to assembled journalists, "if finger-wagging makes me guilty, then I'm guilty, but of anything else - foul and abusive language - there was none of that. I didn't swear at the referee so I'll go down and state my case."
"A mule with a razor and a swagger in his step."
Boro's opposition in the third round of the FA Cup will be League Two strugglers Notts County or League One mid-table fare Swindon Town.
The two sides were locked at 1-1 on Saturday, but the winner of the replay will get a crack at the 5th best team in the country. The game is to be played on the weekend of January 8th and 9th.
"Arms like Popeye, giddy like Olive."
ComeOnBoro.com's biggest fan Mark Viduka ended his barren spell in front of goal with a brace as Middlesbrough saw off a spirited Manchester City side last night. Boro took the lead early in the game when the busy striker controlled Stewart Downing's through-ball and chipped the advancing David James.
City levelled when Robbie Fowler netted from Jon Macken's flick, but Boro hit back with a fabulous Viduka finish from JFH's neat lay-off. JFH struck a 25-yard free-kick to round off Boro's scoring, before Bradley Wright-Phillips marked his league debut with a scrappy goal late on.
Boro were desperately hanging on in the latter stages; this belied their early dominance. Bolo Zenden and Stewart Downing were proving to be too creative for City's flat back four; Robbie Fowler's close range equalizer was City's first shot on target in the first forty-five minutes. Nonetheless, Boro regained the lead shortly after the break after a clever interchange between Boro's two frontmen. Viduka's finish was sublime. Twenty minutes later, Boro thought the game was dead and buried after JFH rattled in a 25-yard free-kick.
A game that was billed as a battle of England's two most promising wingers was so one-sided that Keegan obviously felt that two Wright-Phillips' are equal to one Downing. It worked, Bradley Wright-Phillips collected Danny Mills' header and wrong-footed Schwarzer from six yards.
Viduka could've completed his hat-trick towards the end, but he was agonizingly short of a Bolo Zenden cross.
The Skinny
So, Boro are back to winning ways. But, perhaps more importantly Viduka and JFH have once again, proved themselves to be as essential to Boro as a coat hanger to a DIY abortion. Their goals against Man City were superb, but so was their interplay. Also worthy of mention is Michael Reiziger. He was very unlucky to get injured earlier in the season before he got a chance to show us what he can do. He livened us up against Spurs and was a very calming influence against City. Good stuff, lad. Keep it up.
Next up, Southampton at St. Mary's. Three points if ever I saw 'em.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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