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THE VERONA ISSUE 12-12-04
If you weren't playing in a derby this week, you didn't really get a look in. The red and blue Scousers battled it out to find out who could tell the worst jokes, the brummies to find out who could be thicker and then there was some sort of Terminator 2 re-enactment society gathering in North London.
Elsewhere, Glenn Hoddle took the manager's job at Wolves. Well, for six months anyway. And then, 'Arry Redknapp was given the reins at Southampton. Neither story interests me all that much, so I'll end my opening salvo right there.
Let's do this.....
"Hey you, don't touch the mic like there's AIDS on it."
Gobby backflipper Lomana Lua Lua has been charged by the FA for insulting and abusive behaviour. While the fleet-footed Congolese gymnast wants to fight the charge, it seems likely that he will have to accept a hefty fine.
The charges relate to Portsmouth's ever so lucky draw at The Riverside in October where Lua Lua was alleged to have gestured to Middlesbrough supporters. An eagle-eyed FA translator realised that three back-flips and a triple pike translates to, "fuck off you Northern cunts" in Congolese.
Portsmouth's Chief Executive Peter Storrie thinks he witnessed the incident in question and describes it as "utter nonsense", but reports that a video of the episode has been passed to the police on Teesside means that Lua Lua is unlikely to muster a successful defense. Unless that video has been taped over with 'X-Factor' like my 'Jenna Loves Rocco' tape was last night.
"Borderline schitzo, sort of fine tits though."
Kevin Keegan has joined the campaign for Stewart Downing to be given his chance at senior international level. And the man who gave England caps to Tim Sherwood and Chris Armstrong and played Jamie Carragher as a defensive midfielder certainly knows a thing or two about quality.
Before I give you the quote, have a sweepstake amongst yourselves about how many times Keegan will use 'problem', 'left-side' and 'England' in the same sentence. Go on, it'll be a blast.
Ready? Okay, here we go. "I would think that if you're looking at the left-side problem for England, which has been there for many, many years, he's the one I would say at the moment looks to be the answer" said Keegan, incredibly predictably. "He's got pace, he doesn't have to try hard to beat people and he seems to have quite a good picture of how the game is going. In other words, he's learnt very quickly."
Who had once? Congratulations, you win a pot of Rohypnol and a date with Sophie Anderton.
"Super."
Perhaps he was visited by the ghost of Jacob Marley during the week, but Gareth Southgate, rather inexplicably, is worried about something. Despite an excellent league run and an outstanding European campaign that shows no sign of ending, Southgate admitted that he would be disappointed if the club finished outside of the top six. Erm, Gareth you wouldn't be the only one.
"We're fifth at the moment and we've pulled away slightly from the teams below us," mused Southgate. Completely ignoring Chelsea, Manchester United and Everton, the buck-toothed centre-half went on to say, "no-one seems to be putting a run together at the moment, so I honestly feel that if we can be in this sort of position and in touch with the rest after Christmas and as we go into February and March then could start getting excited. But we've got to keep picking up points." Thank God that's over.
"Hey bro, Day-Glo, set the bet, Play Dough."
No sooner had Southgate put a downer on Middlesbrough's recent success than Joseph "does the hyphen go here?" Desire "or here?" Job was scratching at the Riverside door like a trapped tomcat.
The 27-year-old Cameroon international forward has only featured nine times for Boro in the Premiership this season, with six of those appearances coming from the bench. In an interview with The Daily Mail, Job admitted that he is angry he has not been given the chance to prove his worth.
Desire-Job (or is just Job?) said, "we're in December now and I don't want to keep sitting on the bench. There isn't even competition between the strikers - I only play if someone gets injured. Even if I play well, it won't change anything. Finally, issuing an ultimatum to Steve McClaren, he said, "If I get the opportunity to join another team in January, I will have to go. I don't want to leave, but I feel I've done my best for a long time and I can't keep working like this."
So on the one hand, it's bad news that a rather likeable, albeit surly, player wants to leave the club. On the other hand, it's good to see The Daily Mail are willing to run interviews with black people without the headline, "Stop This Immigration Madness Now."
"Let the God bless you like Achoo!"
With no European fixture this week, Steve McClaren's diary entry on Thursday simply read, "Dull Press Conference." The Boro chief did not disappoint; serving up no ended of inanities.
"When you build a football club, how successful you are is about the players," he said, as journalists began to fidget in their seats. "We have recruited a certain type of player (ones whose legs break very easily) and that's been built over three years. We're very happy with what we've got."
And then, quick as a flash, he was contradicting himself at every turn. "We have improved every year and look at the improvement we have made in the last 12 months - the Carling Cup win and into the last 32 in Europe and fifth in the Premier League," he scoffed, before adding, "But we have done nothing."
With the flabby body of Michael Ricketts still fresh in the memory, McClaren finished by saying, "It's difficult to get the right players in January. We tried that last season and we failed (anybody remember Ricardinho?) and we enter this January like any other team; if there's a player out there at the right price that is available and will improve your team or your squad, then yes - but they rarely come up." With a list of January transfers that includes John Eustace, Michael Ricketts and Michael Debeve, it's plain to see that he speaks the truth.
"Aye Carumba! Now that's my number."
Stewart Downing ruined 'Arry "I love the gay clubs on the South coast" Redknapp's first game in charge at Southampton as Middlesbrough staged a stunning comeback to pinch a 2-2 draw.
The pasty faced cockney barrow boy was on the brink of celebrating his first three points at St Mary's following his disgraceful switch from Portsmouth before Boro hit back.
Kevin Phillips and human rake /hybrid Peter Crouch were on target either side of half-time but Danny Higginbotham nodded the ball into his own net from a Downing corner before Downing stepped up to put the seal on a dramatic finish to an entertaining game.
Phillips had threatened the Boro goal several times and finally got his reward as he connected with a Graeme Le Saux cross. Earlier, JFH and Mark "I love ComeOnBoro.com more than life itself" Viduka both missed good opportunities.
It was the evergreen Le Saux who provided Saints' second goal, as he whipped in a cross for lanky Peter Crouch to head past the stranded Schwarzer.
Boro's best chance fell to Downing but a brilliant save from Antti Niemi denied him, while JFH rattled the post from a tight angle. Minutes later, the match turned on its head when Higginbotham steered a header past Niemi before Downing rifled a 20-yard shot through a crowd of bodies to secure a point for Boro.
The Skinny
What a dull week that was. In fact, if we could only keep the last three minutes of the Southampton game and leave the rest behind in some sort of time-containing bag, that'd be alright with me.
Partizan Belgrade and Villa are on the radar though. Next week can't be any duller can it? Tune in next week to find out.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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