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THE CHRISTMAS ISSUE 19-12-04
Last week was boring to say the least. We eked a draw out of a pathetic Southampton team and Joseph Job's tantrum aside, did nothing else of interest whatsoever. I pleaded for better, and by Jove, I got it. Boro had a remarkable week, sweeping aside all comers.
Elsewhere in the football world the main interest came in the form of the Champions League draw. United and Chelsea have got themselves very difficult games against two of the three best sides in Europe (Juventus being the other). Arsenal will bottle it against the Teutonic heavyweights and a shambolic Liverpool will almost certainly lose twice to a decent Leverkusen side. Otherwise, the back pages were dominated with discussion on the legality of quick freekicks. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Let's do this.....
"You better watch out, you better not cry."
He might have missed out on the fun of a Klansmen get together in Madrid, but Stewart Downing has been all but guaranteed an England cap in 2005. Sven Goran Eriksson took time away from jizzing over his secretary's tits to say, "If he goes on like this then we should give him a chance, certainly in the friendly game against Holland in February, I think he deserves that," before adding with typical ambiguity, "But today it's December and we'll see what happens in February."
Meanwhile, Steve McClaren claims that it was he who suggested that the 21-year-old winger was left out of the squad that traveled to Spain. With all the bluster of a janitor in a Scooby Doo adventure before being snared in a cumbersome final scene, McClaren admitted that it'd been him that was responsible for Downing's omission from the squad all along. The England Assistant Manager cackled, "I didn't think Stewart was ready for a full cap in November. He needed to produce form consistently. Now he's doing that, but unfortunately the next call-up is not until February and it is a case of him keeping his feet on the ground until then. And I would've got away with it if it hadn't been for those meddlin' kids."
"But you rock a toboggan with a four-speed stick."
Middlesbrough finished on top of UEFA Cup Group E after defeating the previously unbeaten Partizan Belgrade 3-0 at The Riverside. Following last week's declarations that both men desire first-team football, Szilard Nemeth and Joseph-Desire Job started up front. It was Nemeth who fired Boro ahead early on, before Job doubled the lead on 22 minutes. Substitute Jim Morrison rattled in number three late on after cutting in from the right as the home side surged into the knockout stages.
Partizan had looked the better side in the opening exchanges as Boro were unable to keep possession for any length of time. However, with only 10 minutes gone an incisive move culminated in Job laying a through-ball for Nemeth who beat the offside trap before delivering a straightforward shot that Ivica Kralj should have held.
Midway through the half Boro doubled their advantage after Franck Queudrue relieved Dragan Ciric of possession around the halfway line. The Frenchman passed the ball to Nemeth who returned the earlier favour by sliding the ball to Job who side-footed home from 12 yards.
The only other notable activity of the first half saw Pierre Boya attempt to stove Colin Cooper's head in with his elbow. While Cooper was stretchered off, he thankfully was able to continue a few minutes later and Partizan's dirty cunt of a striker was roundly booed throughout the remainder of the game.
The scoreline was flattering Boro who were forced to defend expertly to maintain their lead. Mark Schwarzer saved from Ciric after 25 minutes before great defensive work from Queudrue and Michael Reiziger foiled attacks from Ilic and Tomic respectively. However, it could've been 3-0 in the first-half, but Kralj made an outstanding save from Job.
Boro improved in the second half and pressed their superiority. In the dying minutes, 14-year-old Jim Morrison netted the final goal as he strode in from the right flank and unleashed a moonlight drive confidently into the far corner.
"Jack Frost nipping at your nose."
Following his goal against Partizan Belgrade, repetitive bore Joseph Job admitted that he will reluctantly consider a move away from Middlesbrough if his first-team chances continue to remain limited. Come on Joey, you said the same thing last week. Give me something to work with here.
Job, a £3m capture from Lens four-and-a-half years ago, said, "My priority is to get into the first team and stay there because as a footballer I need to play and I want to play." However, with his quota of footballing clichés not quite fulfilled, he added, "When you don't play, it's hard. It's been very frustrating for me so far, but I will keep going." The Cameroonian sluggard did however acknowledge that he might end up at Bolton or West Brom as he concluded, "I know it would be hard to move to a better team because Middlesbrough are doing very well."
Meanwhile Steve McClaren insists that both Job and Szilard Nemeth have vital roles to play at the club as he spoke of the lack of first-team opportunities afforded to the pair. "There has been a lot of interpretation on how they are feeling, but they are very happy here. They want to play more, but then doesn't everybody? They have important roles to play in this football club. We can't keep playing the same eleven, which is something I have said before. The squad has to play its part and these players have come in and done ever so well."
"And I've got me some corn for popping."
Notoriously halcyon Boro Chairman Steve Gibson has publicly defended Steve McClaren against accusations his team's success is built purely on money.
In an interview conducted from his seventeen-bedroom mansion in Hertfordshire, Gibson offered praise to the club's staff. "Over the last couple of months I have read with some humour, attempts by managers of other clubs to somehow water down Steve's achievements by suggesting he has had some sort of pot of gold to dip into as he pleased," Gibson said, as he practiced his backstroke in a Scrooge McDuck style coin-filled swimming pool.
"I was bemused to hear comments made by both Alan Curbishley and Harry Redknapp when he was at Portsmouth before recent fixtures with their clubs. Both made a point of saying 'look at the money Steve has had.' I can't help thinking they were getting their excuses in early," he insisted before pausing to light a Montecristo cigar with a £50 note.
The Boro chairman concluded by saying, "The players and coaching staff deserve much praise for their part in that achievement, but the majority of the credit must go to Steve. That is a fact that should be recognised more widely. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my private jet down to Waitrose."
"You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot."
Middlesbrough will become the third British side to play Graz AK in Europe this season after drawing the Austrians in the last 32 of the UEFA Cup. Graz were beaten by Liverpool in the Champions League qualifiers but beat Rangers in the UEFA Cup group stage to reach the knockout phase. Boro will travel to the Arnold Schwarzenegger Stadium on the 16th or 17th of February with the home leg taking place a week later. Should Boro progress, they will face either Sporting Lisbon or Feyenoord.
Graz AK coach Walter Schachner declared himself happy with the draw. "With Middlesbrough our fans get to see a strong and attractive team," Schachner said probably referring to the team's playing style not Franck Queudrue's winsome buttocks.
"For us every opponent would have been difficult but Middlesbrough is one of the strongest teams possible," he told www.gak.at - a surprisingly family friendly website, "We have already proved this year we can keep up with British teams, but I think we are the outsiders."
Club captain Anton Ehmann is relishing the clash. "I am crazy about this draw," Ehmann said. "The British style suits our team because a couple of our players are destined to play in the Premier League," he continued before bizarrely asking the interviewer for his clothes, boots and motorcycle.
"May your days be merry and bright."
Boro chalked up their fourth straight home win by beating Aston Villa 3-0 on Saturday, a scoreline which flattered Steve McClaren's men. Villa were looking to continue a superb record on Teeside and enjoyed the lion's share of possession, but Boro were decisive when it mattered and took all three points.
Steven Davies, Gavin McCann, Gareth Barry and Juan Pablo Angel all spurned good chances for Villa to take the lead. JFH made the visitors pay for their profligacy after 20 minutes. George Boateng's pass gave his fellow Dutchman space on the left, the striker raced towards the box before cutting inside and thumping a right-foot shot past Thomas Sorensen.
Boro extended their lead after 68 minutes as Joseph Job - on for the injured Mark Viduka - slotted in Downing's pass after a mistake from Olof Mellberg. Two minutes from time, Michael Reiziger netted his first goal in Boro colours after a marauding run down the right.
The Skinny
"Three-nil to the Middlesbrough, three-nil to the Middlesbrough." Sing it with me, it might just catch on. Partizan are a decent side, and we swept them aside with relative ease. Granted, they had a lot of the ball and a better side may have punished us, but if we continue to take our chances like that, we'll go far in Europe.
While most footballers are familiar with GAK, they're not a team I know an awful lot about. They looked pretty shoddy against an average Liverpool team, so I dare say it'll be little more than a stroll for our well-oiled human/android machine. All in all, it's not a draw to be sniffed at. Sorry.
While 3-0 may have been a little flattering, beating Villa so heavily is no mean feat and it was heartening to see Joey Job get a second goal in a week. Also, The Zig is starting to show his quality; his experience will be vital for us in Europe. He may look a little like a Napoleon Wrasse (Google it) but he could easily become a Queudrue-esque cult figure on Teesside.
Before I head off on a two-week sojourn, I'd like to remind you to check out ComeOnBoro.com's Man Of The Year award, which will be presented on Thursday. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everybody. By God, I've just realised that Jackson 5 lyric carries very different connotations nowadays.
And with that....
The James Bassett Column returns in January.
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