|
|
THE FLYING DAGGERS ISSUE 10-1-05
Welcome back. I hope everybody is suitably plump after the Christmas break and suitably depressed about being back at work.
Now, it's not often that this writer feels sorry for a Newcastle United player but spare a thought for Olivier Bernard this January. He's been Newcastle's most consistent performer in an otherwise ropey back four, but his unwillingness to participate in any sexual misdeeds has seen him shunted out of the team in exchange for Celestine Babayaro. Babayaro fits in with the rest of the St James' Park dressing room much better, of course, what with him having an indecent exposure charge to his name.
Elsewhere, Roy Carroll's conniving will no doubt ensure that television evidence is used during Premiership games in the near future. Just what we needed, something else to sap any remaining celerity from the game of football. Be sure to check out The James Bassett NFL Column next season as I look for a fast-paced all-action sport to satiate me.
Oh, and Boro have been woeful over Christmas. United and Chelsea are good teams but Birmingham? Jeez, we were appalling in that game. Injuries have done us no favours and a new centre midfielder, full back and centre-half should be on the menu for Steve McClaren this January.
Hey, it's not all bad news. We didn't sign Alex Nyarko.
Enough blathering, here's what's been happening in the world of Boro over the last seven days.
Let's do this.....
"In the cantina, Margarita keeps the spirits high."
Just as Boro were licking their wounds following a flaccid performance against Manchester United they stumbled into Stamford Bridge with nary a hope of victory. Fans were treated to the third inept performance in under a fortnight, confirming this writer's suspicions that without George Boateng we're a bit rubbish.
It was ludicrously priced bruiser Didier Drogba who ensured the champions-elect took the points, but 2-0 flattered Boro as Chelsea put on a scintillating first-half display. In the fourth minute, Drogba forced Mark Schwarzer into making the first save of the night when he met Arjen Robben's corner with a firm header. It only took until the twelfth minute for Drogba to test the want-away goalkeeper again. A minute later, Schwarzer made another great save, this time from Arjen Robben.
Chelsea were not to be denied for long though, as Drogba, who latched onto a pass from Frank Lampard, turned Gareth Southgate with ease before slotting the ball beyond Schwarzer from just inside the penalty area. It took only two minutes for Drogba to double his tally when he headed home a beautifully placed free-kick from Lampard.
Chelsea continued to boss the game and Robben, Duff and Ferreira were unlucky not to increase Chelsea's lead. In the end Boro left the field lucky to have only lost 2-0. It was a wonderful display from Chelsea, but watching Boro over Christmas has been as enjoyable as putting a sandpaper condom on the wrong way round.
"Out in the barnyard, the chickens do their number."
I'm fairly certain that most of you are aware that the transfer window is open at the moment, giving me far more Boro news that I can be bothered to write about. Plus, Brian Wilson's 'Smile' doesn't have that many good lyrics. With that in mind, I'll attempt to wrap up all the transfer gossip in one fell swoop.
So, like a wheelchair-bound James Stewart, let's peer through the window and see if we can piece together what's happening in the world of transfers. Sadly, you probably won't get to shag Grace Kelly at the end of it. Well, you probably could now, but I certainly won't be helping you to exhume her corpse.
First up, Boro have had a bid rejected by Inter Milan for Greek midfielder Giorgios Karagounis. Unlike most of what you will read over the next three weeks, we know that this story is actually true because a shunned Steve McClaren said, "[sob] We looked at bringing him here on loan but Inter weren't interested in that arrangement so it's gone no further than that [sniffle]." McClaren had hoped to bring the 27-year-old in on loan but Inter are hoping to tie up a permanent deal for the player.
The news that Boro have confirmed they are looking to bolster their midfield was the only excuse the press needed to make up a whole host of stories. This allows me the opportunity to introduce the James Bassett Credible Undoubted Negotiable Transfer rating. I'll decide whether there is any chance Boro will be signing any of the players listed below using my new scientific rating (that certainly isn't an excuse for a juvenile acronym, oh no).
10 = certainty, 0 = never gonna happen. Savvy? Let's commence.
First up is Amdy "it should be an 'n', surely?" Faye. Portsmouth are looking to offload the midfielder but are seeking around £2m. Boro, Villa and Everton form the race for the player's misspelled signature.
CUNT Rating: 7.5/10 - if a free can be agreed, I reckon we'll see this lad in a Boro shirt before the month's out.
Boro and Charlton are in the race to sign Ghanaian right-back John Mensah. He plays for Chievo. I've never heard of him either.
CUNT Rating: 1/10 - there's as much chance of a footballer joining Mensa as there is of Mensah joining Boro.
In amongst articles about how to give all your wages to poor people, spastics and the third world, The Guardian reckons Boro are monitoring Jermaine Pennant's progress.
CUNT Rating: 3/10 - no chance, the lad's content warming the reserves bench at Arsenal.
A couple of tabloids reckon that Steve McClaren will be offering £3.5m to Delia Smith in exchange for portly stopper Robert Green and her Sea Bass and Puy Lentil Salsa recipe.
CUNT Rating: 5/10 - Schwarzer looks as though he fancies being given the gimp treatment by Fergie, we'll need a replacement and Green looks like an easy target.
Since he's been ostracized from Newcastle for not being prepared to show his wang to a 16-year-old girl, Olivier Bernard may be on his way to The Riverside for nothing.
CUNT Rating: 5/10 - get past the fact that he's an ex-barcode and concentrate on the fact that we need another decent left-back.
The Times, meanwhile, is clueless. Not content to start one rumour, The Sun for grown-ups is spreading itself thin linking Boro with Steve Harper, Herman Hreidarsson and Andy van der Meyde.
CUNT Rating: 0/10 - lazy journalism, nothing more.
Finally, The Telegraph has linked Aberdeen's Kevin McNaughton, Giuseppe Pancaro, Sammy Kuffour and Thomas Linke to The Riverside.
CUNT Rating: 0/10 - page filling of the lowest order.
"The laughs come hard in Auld Lang Syne."
Joy of joys, our first foreign story of the year, fortunately someone bought me a translation monkey for Christmas so I'm able to cope. Massimo Maccarone - yes, he still plays for Boro - has moved from Parma to fellow Serie A strugglers Siena. The Bianconeri have struggled for goals this term; managing a paltry 11 goals in 16 matches, and have deemed Maccarone (last season's haul for Boro: a whopping 6 goals in 29 appearances) the solution to their problem. The fools.
Anyway, Maccarone was full of beans following his move. "I chose Siena because they put faith in me," Maccarone told Siena's website, "I'm delighted because this is a return to Tuscany. This part of the country has always brought me luck and I hope it will be lucky this time, too."
Maccarone also sought to explain his poor form for Parma, "At Parma I had weight problems when I signed for them. I had to be very fit to play in the position they wanted me to play but sadly I wasn't in the best of shape." Now, either Maccarone is making no sense, or I need a new monkey.
"And tells us the name of your favourite vegetable."
"Hello, my name's Mark Schwarzer. My new year's resolution is to bore the world to tears by continuing to talk about leaving Middlesbrough throughout 2005."
That's right, while the rest of us were vowing to give up smoking, red meat and booze, Schwarzer has decided that we wants to drive the world into fits of tedium as he seeks a transfer away from Boro.
Schwarzer told The Express that he will leave Boro in January but only if the "right club" wants to sign him. "I can't rule out the possibility I might move this month because I have to secure my future as soon as possible," the former Bradford stopper droned, "Middlesbrough may decided to cash in and sell me, but it would have to be to the right club."
Here's what I suggest: sell the whining sod to Manchester United. Let Carlo Nash play his 150th game so the copyist at the Beeb's website has something to do and then buy Robert Green. Meanwhile, wait until Schwarzer makes his first mistake at Old Trafford and watch as Fergie felches the confidence right out of him.
"She's giving me excitations."
In-form Joseph Job - an oxymoron, surely? - struck late to spare Boro's blushes against Notts County at Meadow Lane. Job's 76th-minute strike - his fifth goal in seven games - sent Boro through to the fourth round but only after the League Two strugglers had threatened a major upset.
Tony Scully gave the home side the lead with less than two minutes gone. Scully beat Queudrue to find space on the right flank and his cross looped off of the returning Ugo Ehiogu before soaring over Mark Schwarzer into the net.
The underdogs hung on until early in the second half when Brazilian Doriva leathered a 25-yard drive into Notts County's net. It was the Brazilian's first goal for Boro after joining two and a half seasons ago. Job finally sealed the win when he pounced in a crowded box to poke home Downing's precise free-kick.
Boro were given a scare late on as Michael Reiziger had to head Shaun Harrad's effort off the line during injury-time.
The Skinny
I'd love to say it's good to be back, but I can't. First of all, the transfer window means I have to read the tabloids. Second of all, Boro are rubbish at the moment. The reasons? Injuries are taking their toll. Certainly, Boateng and Viduka are being sorely missed at the minute. But a couple of our players are completely out of form at the moment (Jimmy, Southgate, Cooper, I'm talking to you).
McClaren tends to use the January transfer window to bring in players on loan and then not play them, so we shouldn't expect any miracles. I would imagine we'll see a central midfielder and a full-back come in fairly shortly. Unless McClaren decides to leave it until the last minute so he can pick up a deal of Michael Ricketts-esque proportions.
Everton - who are now conceding goals at last - are the next visitors to The Riverside. Surely, we can sort ourselves out in time for that one? Surely?
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
|
|
|
|
