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THE JACK PURCELL ISSUE 24-1-05
Did you know it's possible to have 478 different viruses on your PC? Well, it is. And it's the reason for my tardiness this week. The capitulation at Carrow Road had nothing to do with it. Honest, Guv.
Two formerly respected football managers somehow managed to dominate the back pages this week despite behaving like a couple of sad little bitches. Round XXXXXVIIIII of the my wife's prettier/dad's harder/car's faster/dick's bigger wars continued throughout the week finally forcing the FA and the Police to step in and tell them both to shut up. I know McClaren has learnt a lot from Ferguson, but let's hope he's developed the sense of dignity that has been lacking amongst the Premiership's supposed elder statesmen this week.
Ken Bates took over at Leeds. Hah.
Oh and Liverpool lost in the FA Cup thanks to the funniest own goal since Frank Sinclair beat Ian Walker from the half-way line earning us three points a few years back. Anyone think of a funnier one? Let us know.
Let's do this.....
"No, he's a blow-hard."
Last Sunday's goalmouth scrum between Boro and Everton dominated the news throughout the week. Whilst this writer will happily admit to yelling, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" whilst Bolo "wax on, wax off" Zenden squared up to Duncan Ferguson, it really wasn't that much to get excited about in hindsight, was it? In fact, the Dutch black belt dismissed the entire thing as, "a bit of pushing."
Even the FA were happy to treat the incident for what it was: a harmless scrum between two sets of overheated players. A lowly FA employee was sent to the front door of their Soho Square office on Monday morning to explain, "When we get the referee's report we will look at that to see if there is any action."
Well, Dermot Gallagher's report must've suggested that Bolo Zenden had adopted a Karate Kid-esque Crane stance and belted the big Jock round the head Chun Li style, because by Wednesday afternoon the FA had announced that both teams had been charged for failing to control their players.
Both clubs have to go before the FA in a month's time to discuss the charges. Expect Messrs Moyes and McClaren to attend Soho Square separately, the last thing the FA want is for Soho Square to be destroyed in a volley of Sonic Booms and Hundred Hand Slaps.
"Look at me at the festival of gas."
In October of 1804, I started reporting on Mark Schwarzer's refusal to sign a new contract. Well, just as the Eastenders writers are going to have to find something to fill the void of that pointless Zoe isn't pregnant really storyline, so this writer will now have to find another story to replace the troubles and travails of Big Mark. I'd come to rely on at least 500 words out of the big fella, so I'm fucked next week.
The big lug has finally agreed a three-year extension to his current contract saying, "I've had eight great seasons at the club, including a League Cup winner's medal last February and now a good run in the UEFA Cup. The club has come a long way and this is our best ever season in the league. The club has shown that it is ambitious and I want to continue to be part of that." Plus, it turns out that Ferguson didn't want me after all, he might as well have added.
It means that Schwarzer will attain a testimonial at Middlesbrough, having spent ten years at the club, seven of which have been spent considering the new contract offer. "This three-year contract will earn me a testimonial at Middlesbrough, something which is rare these days in the Premier League," he concluded as pound signs literally lit up in his eyes.
"You're in solitary confinement in the office space from Hell."
Feel some sympathy for Ugo Ehiogu this week. Injured since September, he'd made his way through the training sessions on the Rockcliffe's notorious bear trap and anti-personnel mine laden pitch, but the Boro centre-half wasn't counting on a big lump of Australia landing on his leg fifteen minutes into his comeback.
Boro confirmed on Wednesday that the 32-year-old had suffered medial ligament damage and his knee will have to be placed in a brace for six weeks. While this means on current form he'd probably be preferred to Colin Cooper, it isn't an ideal solution and Ehiogu is unlikely to play again this term.
"We were huge in the Seventies."
Thank the Gods, the transfer window is nearing closure and to the surprise of no one, Steve McClaren has yet to make any purchases. With the window closing and the press sensing an air of desperation around La Riv, the speculation has been farcical in the past week.
Teamtalk.com reckons that Steve McClaren is looking at Wolves' Joleon Lescott to bolster his injury-plagued defence. It's not clear whether Teamtalk means bolster in the traditional sense or in the little-used sense which roughly means, "to fuck it up entirely and make it even worse than before."
CUNT Rating: 2/10 - McClaren and good January transfers are as mutually exclusive as sex and stinging nettles, but surely Lescott is just too darn shit. Even for Stevie Mac. Just.
Elsewhere, The Scotsman seems to think that an offer of £200,000 from Boro will be enough to lure Hibernian's utility man Ian Murray to the Riverside. And with Steve Goldby just this week writing a piece on Tony Mowbray, it all seems like more than coincidence to me.
CUNT Rating: 8/10 - he plays left-back and centre-back and would seem like a reasonably priced candidate to fill a substantial hole in our injury ravaged defence.
Delving into their archives (the original story ran last October) The Evening Gazette have linked Dinamo Zagreb's spellcheck troubling midfielder Niko Kranjcr with a move to Teesside.
CUNT Rating: 5/10 - a rating of five suggests that I haven't got a clue. You know what, I don't.
And in the first bit of gossip that sees a player leaving La Riv, The News Of The World reckons that Charlton want Joseph Job in exchange for £1.5m.
CUNT Rating: 2/10 - I know Charlton like strikers who don't score, but I don't see the Jobmeister leaving until the summer.
The CUNT Rating: Using calculations that even NASA mathematicians would struggle with, I've created a system known as the Credible Undoubted Negotiable Transfer rating. I consider to what degree a potential transfer is credible, undoubted or negotiable, do a very difficult piece of mathematics and arrive at a figure out of ten. 10 = they'll be wearing a casino-sponsored shirt in a week or so, 1 - no chance.
"Here we are, there's a bear up against the car."
Saturday. 4:37pm. Norwich 1 - Boro 4. Boro are cruising to victory thanks to doubles from both JFH and Franck Q. Then Boro, inexplicably, stopped playing. Leaving Dean Ashton, Leon McKenzie and Adam Drury to score a goal each and finish the game 4-4.
Boro peppered the Norwich goal in the early stages. Tony McMahon narrowly missed a left-foot curler before Doriva Can't Pass had a twenty-yard effort flash inches wide. Stewart Downing missed a one-on-one with Robert Green and JFH shot narrowly wide. Yet somehow Norwich took the lead. Darren Huckerby's shot was saved well by Schwarzer but the rebound fell to Damien Francis who couldn't miss the simplest of tap-ins.
Twenty minutes later, Boro equalised. JFH managed to get in the way of a goal-bound Downing shot and flick it over Robert Green. Five minutes after the restart Boro were in front. Franck Q met Stewart Downing's corner with a forceful header. A couple of minutes later, Queudrue doubled his tally. Gareth Southgate flicked on an outswinging Downing corner and the Frenchman side-footed the ball home with his right foot. On the 78th minute, Boro won a free kick about twenty-five yards out which JFH curled over the wall and into the corner of the net. 4-1 up with twelve minutes left. Nobody could fuck that up, could they?
Of course, Boro somehow managed it. Watch the highlights if you want to see three dreadful pieces of defending. I don't want to talk about it.
The Skinny
Obviously the sound of last week's yearning echoed throughout Middlesbrough, as my dual wishes for Mark Schwarzer to make his mind up and Boro to play good football were both acted upon. However, whilst the former has been treated with some permanence, Boro only managed to play good football for 78 minutes. Our defence is an absolute shambles at the moment and it needs sorting quickly. There's no sense in blaming individuals and I know that injuries have played a huge part, but not having a consistent back four this season is costing us a lot of points. On the bright side, Everton, Liverpool and Spurs all lost.
Our squad desperately needs strengthening and Steve McClaren is saying all the right things. However, he's not acting upon them. For the third year running he has obviously chosen to save all his transfer window business until the final minutes so he can pick up a quality player like John Eustace, Ricardinho or Michael Ricketts. Tune in next week to see if we've signed anyone.
And with that....
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