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THE BLOOD ISSUE 31-1-05
Is everybody sufficiently cheered after last week's capitulation at Carrow Road? I do hope so because I've got very little to offer you this week besides a spate of transfer rumours and the probable conclusion of the most inappropriate love story since a dead Patrick Swayze seduced Demi Moore in 'Ghost'.
Of course, the biggest news story in the world of football took place at St James' Park as Rat Boy fell out with Graeme Souness. Certainly Bellamy shouldn't have gone on TV and called his manager a liar, but Souness has now fallen out with 87% of the players he's ever managed. But what's this? Birmingham FC, operating like a home for battered wives run by chief counsellor Steve Bruce, are willing to add Bellamy to their ranks of cowering housewives including Dwight Yorke and David Dunn.
Let's do this.....
"Jessica, can you take down my order please?"
The faces of Boro's back four have been appearing on milk cartons since their collective disappearance in Norfolk around 4:42pm on Saturday 22nd January. Steve McClaren's response? Offer Matthew Bates his first professional deal. Well, there certainly is a case for the more the merrier at the moment as regards our defensive qualities.
The 18-year-old made his senior debut as a substitute in the 3-2 victory over Manchester City last month and has been handed a four-and-a-half-year contract. Steve McClaren said, "There's still a great deal of hard work ahead, but he has many of the attributes to become a top quality defender."
"I don't go out for brunch and I don't go out for cunts."
It's with the manliest of tears that this scribe writes the last CUNT Rating. Well, the last until the summer anyway. With the window about to slam tighter than a Singapore Grip from Lisa I'Anson, it's no surprise that it's a bumper issue this week. For those of y'all who don't know, the CUNT Rating works thus:
Using calculations that even NASA mathematicians would struggle with, I've created a system known as the Credible Undoubted Negotiable Transfer Rating. I consider to what degree a potential transfer is credible, undoubted or negotiable, do a very difficult piece of mathematics and arrive at a figure out of ten. 10 = they'll be wearing a casino-sponsored shirt in a week or so, 1 - no chance.
The first story this week is the one that is most likely to replace Mark Schwarzer's boring contract negotiations. Who would dare to attempt to replicate the will-he-won't-he excitement of the giant Aussie? None other than Bobo Balde, whose potential signing from Scotland's perennial champions/runner's up (delete as appropriate) has been on-and-off-and-off-and-on all week according to the BBC.
CUNT Rating: 9/10 - Bobo, Bolo, Boro.. You couldn't make it up. He'll sign on Monday.
When not sacking Rodney "I'll tell you what, Geoff" Marsh for making a rubbish joke about David Beckham, Sky Sports had decreed that Juventus' 412-year-old central defender Igor Tudor could be subject to a last minute bid from Boro.
CUNT Rating: 2/10 - There's more chance of me wanting to have sex ever again after watching Part Four of Anatomy For Beginners than there is of that transfer going through.
Sky Sports also thinks that Boro will try to snap up Bayern Munich's Robert Kovac on loan until the end of the season.
CUNT Rating: 2/10 - The days of Boro signing ageing money-hungry Croatians are well behind us. The defensive equivalent of Alen Boksic? No siree.
The Daily Mail, amongst others, has reported that Middlesbrough are attempting to sign Real Madrid's 18th choice midfielder Albert Celades. The Andorra-born utility man has slipped down the Real pecking order following the arrival of Lee Carsley (or was it Thomas Gravesen?) and has attracted the interest of Aston Villa as well as the mighty Boro.
CUNT Rating: 3/10 - He's been a squad player at Real for the last five years; there's no reason why he'd seek a move now.
Finally, wank-rag-for-those-with-a-shoestring-budget The Daily Star reckon that Steve McClaren's desire for a new midfielder will lead him to make a bid for Ousmane Dabo. Yes, the same Ousmane Dabo who was part of the shambolic Lazio side that were destroyed at La Riv only a couple of months ago.
CUNT Rating: 1/10 - Doriva Can't Pass is a better bet in central midfield than this waster.
"Red bricks drop from her vagina."
It was William Shakespeare who said, "The course of true love never did run smooth." The Bard's words were never more appropriate than in the case of Geremi and Joseph Job.
Just a fortnight ago it seemed as if Geremi and Joseph Job would be spending Valentine's Day skipping around the Rockcliffe training ground hand-in-hand. And earlier this week it seemed even more likely when Chelsea and Boro agreed a £3mil transfer for the one-time Boro favourite. However, it seems like Geremi doesn't like Joseph's new hair-do because he's decided that he doesn't want to play for Boro after all.
Geremi wasn't talking this week, but a quick check at www.lovecalculator.com - the home of online passion (well, one of many) - seems to suggest that Geremi and Joseph Job are only 13% compatible, a statistic that overwhelmingly suggests that we won't be seeing Gezza at La Riv anytime soon.
"Like a whore on a skewer in the wind."
Livingstone manager Richard Gough has finished plucking the splinters out of Mark Wilson's arse and the former Manchester United midfielder has joined the SPL whipping boys on loan until the end of the season.
Wilson has already spent spells away on loan with Sheffield Wednesday, Swansea City, Doncaster Rovers and Craig Bellamy's future employers Stoke City (Hah! Take that you rat faced prick). The 25-year-old is only on the fringes of the first team squad at La Riv and has only started six league games since his £1.5m transfer from United in 2001.
"And then I'd go and choke on a cock."
Two fantastic strikes from Wayne Rooney and a John O'Shea goal were enough to see holders Manchester United through to the FA Cup fifth round.
United started brightly and took a deserved lead when Quinton Fortune's run and cross caused panic in the Boro defence and Fat Peter Kay steadied himself before firing a 12-yard drive into the roof of Mark Schwarzer's net.
Boro's best chance in the first half came as Bolo Zenden dispossessed Phil Neville and tried to chip Roy Carroll after an exchange of passes with JFH. The Irishman made a very good save to deny Zenden.
Schwarzer was forced into action at the beginning of the second half as he intercepted Cristiano Ronaldo's through ball to the marauding Ryan Giggs. The Australian goalkeeper then pulled off one of the greatest saves of all time to keep out Ronaldo's point blank header.
Boro continued to probe with Joseph Job - complete with Geremi-enticing 'do - skulking around the pitch while Jim Morrison strutted around like a Queen of the highway. It was to no avail as Boro failed to force Roy Carroll to make a meaningful save.
Rooney eventually claimed United's second goal after 67 minutes when the teenage dirtbag latched onto Gary Neville's fine through ball and lobbed the stranded Schwarzer from 25 yards. Boro tried to get back into the game, but Rooney sealed it seven minutes from time when he smacked Louis Saha's flick-on into the net with an emphatic first-time volley.
The Skinny
Another week, another dismal Boro performance. We really aren't that good at the moment are we? It's disappointing to see us jumping on the 4-5-1 bandwagon. Just because Bolton and Southampton do it doesn't make it okay. JFH is far better when he's playing with a partner up front, Job should've started the game.
Bobo Balde - who sounds more and more like a Star Wars character each time I write his name - will sign for Boro tomorrow, I'm sure. But I still think we need a new central midfielder. It's a crying shame that Amdy Faye has joined the barcodes; he'd have been an excellent addition to our squad. However, if he harbours the ambition to develop into a sexual deviant, then that's his decision.
McClaren can't afford for our present slide to continue against Portsmouth and Blackburn. Six points are a must. Will we get them? Tune in next week to find out. Same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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