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THE GAY ISSUE 7-2-05
God damn that Jose Mourinho. First of all, he relegates both Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger to the under-card in Sky's attempt to promote every high profile game as a boxing match this season. Second of all, he goes and meets with the Premiership's third best left-back in the middle of a London hotel. And there's outrage. Why doesn't somebody ask Ashley Cole if he was there? I can imagine that Cole is difficult to get hold of, what with him spending a lot of the time on the phone to Kieron Dyer talking about roasting, but leave a message or something. Maybe he'll phone back.
Elsewhere, nothing of note happened. Nothing at all. The most exciting league in the world and the best we can come up with is whether a 24-year-old rent boy had lunch with some middle-aged millionaires? Bollocks.
Let's do this.....
"This goes out to all the pretty girls and all the ugly girls too."
Steve McClaren might be good at lots of things, acting smugly being something he's particularly adept at, but he's certainly not very good at transferring players during the January transfer window. In previous years McClaren has brought in luminaries like Ricardinho, Michael Ricketts and Michael Debeve. This year McClaren went one better and signed no one.
The press, who have come to rely on Boro as a source of transfer rumblings, spoke of a last minute deal to sign Bobo Balde. However, it fell through after the Guinea international decided to stay at Parkhead until the end of the season. Balde's presumably 14-year-old girl agent Barry Silkman told the press that he had a received a text message saying, "Balde stays @ Celtic LOL txt bk asap x x x x" from a colleague of his. He also said that Dan in JD Sports was well fit and that he wouldn't be getting off with Jason Westley behind the science block on Thursday.
Nonetheless, rumours persisted that Balde would sign a pre-contract agreement with another club. Celtic's goalkeeper Robert Douglas insisted that, "Bobo is a 100% committed player and plays to win." A statement which showed that Celtic were perhaps concerned that the giant centre-half was going to move on, or possibly explaining why he didn't come to Boro. Then, not 24 hours later, Balde had signed a four-and-a-half-year contract with Celtic. The big tease.
"I want y'all to suck my lizard."
Hard-featured roustabout Tony McMahon has penned a new three-and-a-half-year contract at the club. The 18-year-old has made a huge impact this season after making his debut at Manchester United in October. McMahon was discovered by Dave Parnaby as he kicked a Big Mac wrapper around outside the McDonalds on North Ormesby Road.
This rags to riches story has left McMahon understandably ecstatic. The crag-faced guttersnipe told assembled journalists, "I'm over the moon to have signed. I stressed from the start that I never wanted to leave Middlesbrough. I'm a local lad and I'm fulfilling a dream I've had since I joined the club to be playing for the first team."
Meanwhile, Steve McClaren - who has seen his defence ravaged by injury this season - said, "This is great news for the club and good news for Tony." Maybe so, but the story comes as bad news to the local Maccy D's who will miss the spotty oik's custom when it comes to cashing-up on a Saturday evening.
"Twenty-six years old; still on welfare."
Boro's miserable form continued as Yakubu's second-half strike gave Portsmouth a valuable 2-1 win at Fratton Park. The Nigerian international tapped in from three yards to give his side victory after Ricardo Fuller beat Middlesbrough's entire defence with a jinxing run.
An injury-ravaged Boro took the lead ten minutes before the end of the first-half courtesy of Malcolm "the children call me Mr. Glass" Christie. Christie, who hadn't played in the league for Boro since November 2003, tapped home the rebound after Chalkias failed to hold Ray Parlour's shot.
However, Pompey's reply was not long in coming as Matthew Taylor - fresh from his match-losing handball against Southampton - scored his first ever Premiership goal. Mark Schwarzer did well to stop to stop Taylor's shot at the near post but Aliou Cisse dragged the loose ball away, squeezed it back to Taylor who rifled it into the roof of the net.
Pompey played the better football after the break and it came as no surprise when they forged the lead following excellent work from Ricardo Fuller.
"Gonna sit my ass down like Rosa Parks."
Following the playground bundle that lit up their dull-as-dishwater clash last month, Boro and Everton have both admitted failing to ensure their players conducted themselves in an orderly fashion.
The charge will probably take the form of a telling-off from teacher or both Bolo Zenden and Duncan Ferguson may have their knuckles wrapped with a shatterproof ruler.
"What? What? You need aspirin?"
You might think that there aren't any left-handed people in England. You'd be wrong. 10% of England's population are southpaws. There are 49.5 million people in England. So, I estimate that there are 4.95 million lefties knocking around this fair Isle. Now, you have to take into account that some of them will be women, children, old people, disableds, gays and whatnot, but several thousand of these people MUST be footballers.
Anyway, this statistical breakdown of this nation's populace is unnecessary since England have finally found a decent left-footed player. This is no ordinary player either; it's The Best Player In The Universe we're talking about here. And what's more, Sven Goran Eriksson has decided to select him. Now, Stewart Downing is unlikely to begin the game because that would make far too much sense, but we probably will see him for the second half, giving him 45 minutes to either score or be cast aside like Alan Thompson, Gavin McCann and Lee Bowyer before him.
"I'll have it raining ice drops the size of automobiles."
Franck Queudrue's goal gave 10-man Middlesbrough a 1-0 victory over Blackburn at The Riverside as the hosts reclaimed their top-six spot.
The hosts started brightly when Boudewijn Zenden, making his 100th Premiership appearance, forced Brad Friedel into a smart, punched save inside three minutes after unleashing a right-foot rocket from 25 yards. Elsewhere, a midfield bereft of Doriva Can't Pass was looking much tighter than in previous weeks.
Boro continued to press and on nine minutes were denied the opener when Mr. Glass - in his first home appearance for 16 months due to a broken leg - was correctly adjudged offside in heading home a Joseph Job cross after captain Andy Todd had been dispossessed on the edge of the area.
Downing was then denied by Friedel when his 20-yard effort was comfortably saved following a fine Boro move, while James Morrison should have done better after being played into space by Zenden, the teenager greedily went for goal and ended up shooting like a Crawling King Snake when he should've played the unmarked Christie in.
However, Queudrue broke the deadlock after 35 minutes when he collected a pass from Downing, cut inside Aaron Mokoena before curling a 12-yarder across Friedel and into the bottom left-hand corner.
Rovers continued to push forward, but Boro were happy to pack their defence and attack the visitors on the counter and despite losing Parlour late on for two bookable offences, they held on for their first win in six games.
The Skinny
Anybody catch Ray Parlour's reaction to his sending off? He smacked his palm against his forehead. He may as well have shouted, "D'oh!" as he did it. It was a very, very funny moment. Even more so because it came coupled with Boro's first win since the invention of the television or thereabouts.
So with a win finally under our belts, what better place to go than our old enemy's stomping, time-wasting ground The Reebok? There is no bigger bunch of cheating, whining cunts in the league. A win would be just lovely and send us off in search of GAK in confident mood.
Will I get my wish? Tune in next week to find out.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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