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THE TITS McGEE ISSUE 14-2-05
England friendlies, eh? Fucking rubbish.
However, in amongst all the 4-4-2, 4-3-3, Nike-sponsored anti-racism garbage that followed, it's largely been missed that the boring 0-0 draw was probably England's best sporting result of the week. Killed in the cricket. annihilated in the rugby. it's been a very poor week for English sport. Charlie Hodgson and Olly Barkley, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Let's do this.....
"I caught you knocking at my cellar door."
What with it being international week, Boro news is thin on the ground. Therefore, like Rolf Harris I'm going to pay a visit to some of the patients currently recovering in Boro's equivalent of 'Animal Hospital,' wherever that is.
First up, Gaizka Mendieta (remember him?) feels he is "over the worst" as he continues down the long road to recovery from a knee ligament injury. The Spanish midfielder is currently loafing in his homeland after undergoing surgery to repair a torn cruciate sustained during the 1-1 draw with Portsmouth in October.
"On Thursday it will be three months since my operation and I am very pleased with how things are going," Mendieta told the club's programme while sipping sangria from his poolside lounger. "It's slow progress, although I expected that, but I have recently been able to start a little bit of jogging again, which is a good sign. I'm also swimming regularly and have a detailed programme to do every day. I'm looking forward to gaining more flexibility in the coming weeks and being able to do things like bend the knee more."
Elsewhere, Mark Viduka has finally spoken about the hamstring injury, which has sidelined him since Boxing Day. "This injury spell has equalled one of my longest periods off and I have found it hard, so naturally I am desperate to be playing again," said Viduka. He concluded by saying, "it's not really about matches, it's about when it's right [and sunny]. I've been having massage, training with weights and have started running again, so I hope I'll be ready soon."
Two of our most glamorous players. both born in hot climates. not playing during winter. sometimes this stuff writes itself.
"Out of the blue and into the black."
The rest of England may have been bored shitless, but Stewart Downing claims he loved every minute of his England debut.
"It was a very special moment going on, hopefully it will be one of many, and I loved every minute of it [of which there were about fifteen too few]. In fact I loved it all week, training with all those great players like David Beckham, Gary Neville and Steven Gerrard," Downing said with great clarity, despite having his tongue up no fewer than three of England's regular under-performers' arses.
The 20-year-old brown-noser continued by saying, "The others all helped me and just kept telling me to do the things I do well, to attack the right-back and I was able to do that on a couple of occasions. I thought I did okay overall. Of course it is easier with people like Becks and Steven Gerrard in midfield telling you what to do." I think we've finally established why he runs around with his tongue hanging out all the time, folks.
Meanwhile, Steve McClaren said, "It was a great experience for Stewart. Stewart Downing is a player who is going to be there for the long run, not just 'Let's throw him in, let's have a look, he's had half an hour, he did this, he did that' and that's the end." Hmmm, you could've fooled me Steve.
"Old man lying by the side of the road."
Malcolm "Mr. Glass" Christie is out for the season after suffering a stress fracture in his foot during the game against Blackburn.
An otherwise worthless club spokesman broke the news by saying, "Malcolm suffered a stress fracture in the game against Blackburn and unfortunately, he'll be out for the rest of the season."
While Grant Downie and his physiotherapy team may have missed it, it only takes a solitary viewing of M. Night Shyamalan's flawed masterpiece 'Unbreakable' to know that Malcolm Christie suffers from Osteogenesis Imperfecta.
"If you want to pet that old hound dog, make sure he ain't rolled in shit."
With the number of fit Boro defenders falling faster than a Madrid skyscraper, Steve McClaren has decided to recall Andrew Davies from QPR.
QPR boss Ian Holloway had been hoping to keep the 20-year-old at Loftus Road for a second month but his club are desperate to have him back with their defence hit by a host of injuries.
"We would love to have kept him longer, but we understand Boro's position and I'd like to thank them for letting us take him in the first place," Rangers' chief executive Mark Devlin told their website, presumably while mailing a box of Cadbury's Roses to the Riverside.
"Marlon Brando, Pocahontas and me."
The SPL is better than the Premier League AND getting walloped in the Champions League is better than cruising into the knockout stages of the Uefa Cup. This ludicrous statement is the edict that was handed out by Bobo Balde earlier this week.
The Celtic goliath had been heavily linked with a move to Middlesbrough during the transfer window. It seemed so certain that this writer handed out a 9/10 CUNT rating, and they don't come easily. After that move fell through, there were still mutterings that Balde would sign a pre-contract with Boro and join McClaren's men in June. Eventually, he snubbed a move to the Premiership and decided to stay at the Scottish Champions/Runners Up (delete as applicable).
Balde told the Daily Record that, "There were a lot of reasons to stay but mainly it was a football decision." He foolishly continued by saying, "Of course the Premiership was an attractive option for me because you know in that league there is the big challenge of playing against great strikers every week. But if I had left to go to either Middlesbrough or Birmingham, I would have been moving to a smaller club than Celtic."
He sounds like a fucking twat to me. I'm glad we didn't sign him. Hope you have a good game in Europe this week Bobo. Oh wait.
"Look at Mother Nature on the run."
A string of saves from Mark Schwarzer helped Boro end Bolton's run of seven straight victories on Saturday evening.
Boro could've taken the lead in the second minute, but the Cameroonian idler dragged his shot about six yards wide of the post. There was another worry for the home side when Ivan Campo nearly deflected a moonlight drive from Jim Morrison past his own goalkeeper.
Bolton's first meaningful chance came on the fifteenth minute when a Kevin Nolan shot beat Schwarzer but came back off the bar. After that though, nothing was getting past the giant Aussie. He reacted superbly in the 31st minute to tip away at 25-yard piledriver from Anthony Barness.
The second half continued in the same vein with Schwarzer denying Bolton single-handedly and Job fluffing every opportunity at the other end. The sluggard shot wide in the sixtieth minute after good work from JFH.
The best chance of the game fell to Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Okocha in the final minute, but Schwarzer made a marvellous point-blank save to deny the Bolton captain and keep Boro in the hunt for fourth place.
The Skinny
Goodness knows that was a disappointing week. England were crap at everything they attempted, then Boro failed to fully capitalise on Everton and Liverpool's loses. Still, on the bright side, we gained a point on both of them. Clutching at straws? Maybe.
With no league game this week, we can put all our efforts into getting the better of GAK. This writer's experiences with GAK are limited at best, but it only takes a quick peek at Heat magazine to know that it can be a tough foe to battle.
Will Boro be able to sniff out enough chances to win the game? Will they be big-time Charlies about it? Will they blow their big chance? Will they rise above their base level?
You'll find the answers to all those questions plus dozens of equally rubbish cocaine jokes here next week. You'd be a God damned fool to miss it.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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