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THE PACIFIC OCEAN ISSUE 23-2-05
This column has never hidden its love of Eastenders. So with the sporting press concentrating on London's bid to host the Olympics (more tourists clogging up the tube? No thanks, let Paris have it), indulge me a moment.
Last Friday's 20th Anniversary edition of 'Enders was truly terrible. Easily the worst hour of television this writer had seen since the previous Saturday's snooze-a-thon between Boro and Bolton. Killed by an iron dog. even Cujo was more plausible.
Back to sport and Arsene Wenger had the moxie to field a squad that contained not a single Englishman. Not that remarkable, you may think, but it did succeed in forcing 1,700 Daily Mail readers to spontaneously combust, so appalled were they about "our game" being taken over by Johnny Foreigner.
Let's do this.....
"Water running through my knees."
It's no secret that Boro's defence has been a bit leaky this season. This column has been quick to blame Colin Cooper's old legs, however, it turns out it hasn't all been Super Cooper's fault. It turns out that Boro's most improved (read: used to be shit) beanpole Chris Riggott suffers from a severe case of myopia.
Riggott, speaking to the Northern Echo following Boro's draw with Bolton Wanderers, said, "To have someone like that behind you in goal spreads confidence throughout the team." Riggott, clearly having not consulted his crystal ball about the events in Graz, went onto say, "There are not many keepers around as good as him and he's probably the best in the Premier League. It would have been a near-impossible job to replace him."
Riggott then picked the boom mic up and stroked it while saying, "nice doggy." Probably.
"Holds and tickles and hugs out the night."
With Boro's defence showing more creaky legs than a 1960s Butlins knobbly knees contest, the club has signed David Wheater to a three-and-a-half year contract.
The 12-year-old centre-back is a product of the Boro Academy and has been capped by England at under-17s and under-18s level, but is still waiting for his debut for McClaren's first team.
Wheater told www.stellargroup.co.uk - it's nothing to do with beer, don't bother visiting - "I am really pleased that the club believe in me enough to offer me this deal. I have worked so hard to make the grade at every level at the club and I feel as if I am nearly there. But I still have a lot of hard work to do, and the jump into the first team will be the hardest one to make." Not if the appearances afforded to Andrew Davies and Doriva are anything to go by, David.
"I know a carpenter who had a dream."
Did you know that Charles Bronson is masquerading as the Boro Manager nowadays? Nor did I until this week. But having jumped to the defence of Sven Goran Eriksson following England's inept performance against Holland, McClaren - who clearly sees himself as a Paul Kersey from Death Wish type character - has this week decided to jump to the defence of Arsene Wenger after the beaky one dared to field a squad consisting of no English players at all.
"With regard football teams now, the world has become smaller," McClaren said as he prepared for his side's 11 mile journey to Austria. "I think Arsene summed it up perfectly. He doesn't look at nationalities, or the colour of a player's skin, he looks at their attitude, ability and talent. And if they're French, then all the better," he may not have added.
McClaren then hurriedly left the press conference to start his new job as a gun-toting vigilante.
"I'm sorry, I miss you."
Ten man GAK twice came from behind (arf) to hold Boro to a 2-2 draw in their Uefa Cup first leg clash in the Terminator Stadium.
GAK, who were playing their first competitive game after a two-month winter break, were the better side throughout the first half and were unlucky not to take the lead. Mathias Dollinger managed to blow his side's first chance as he fired a volley wide during the first minute.
Roland Kollman had the ball in the net for GAK after twenty minutes, but it was ruled out for a foul on Gareth Southgate. Dollinger again came close, but his shot, which came from a corner, was expertly saved by Mark Schwarzer. Then, just before half time, Imants Bleidelis managed to cane his shot wide, the goal at his mercy after Franck Q left the Latvian completely unmarked.
Boro began the second half much better and took the lead in the 52nd minute when Bolo Zenden broke forward and drilled a right-foot shot low into the base of the net. The Austrians were level not long after as Schwarz allowed Mario Bazina's pea-roller to trickle over the white line.
Boro regained the lead immediately after as Downing's left wing cross was met by a firm JFH header. It seemed like Boro would hold onto the lead but GAK were awarded a free kick as Samir Muratovic threw himself to the floor. Kollman then cracked a fantastic free kick over the wall and past Schwarz, who was positioned poorly.
Kollmann was then awarded dual yellow cards: one for diving and one for swearing at the referee. Despite the numerical advantage, Boro couldn't get a third goal and will be grateful to take a 2-2 result back the Riv for the second leg.
"Rainbows shining on my shoulders."
Ray Parlour must have read ComeOnBoro.com's exclusive about the bent referee because on Friday morning Ray "Fox Mulder" Parlour was musing about conspiracy theories.
Croatian official Edo Trivkovic made several odd decisions throughout the game. The award of a free-kick for Muratovic's obvious dive was the most controversial, according to Parlour, "It was never a foul. he ran straight into me. "It was frustrating and disappointing, but sometimes you can't play against the ref," Parlour continued as a mysterious man lit up a cigarette in the background.
The hapless Trivkovic also handed dubious cautions to JFH and Chris Riggott. "They say you shouldn't complain about referees, and instead look at yourself, but this was a little too extreme," said Hasselbaink, who obviously fancies himself as the Gillian Anderson to Parlour's David Duchovny, "We have to keep on going and in a week's time we play them again and we have to put the record straight."
The Skinny
I found myself very disappointed with the performance against GAK. Our midfield was especially poor and JFH was completely isolated for much of the match. The two bits of decent football we played both resulted in goals, which tells you that Boro weren't trying for the other 88 minutes. That said, we should be content with two away goals. We will kill them at La Riv.
Boro have Charlton at home at the weekend while Everton travel to Villa Park. Liverpool, of course, will be trying to take our trophy away from us at the Millennium Stadium; Chelsea's reserves may have other ideas. Looks like a good chance for us to gain some ground on fourth place.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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