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THE PRO MODEL ISSUE 28-2-05
Can you hear that? It's the sound of a hundred sports journalists breathing a heavy sigh of relief. You see, they'd been panicking that they'd need a new team to worship as Chelsea, Rulers Of The Universe crashed to two defeats in three days. But just when you could predict tabloid journalists across the land declaring Manchester United as the best team in the world ever and forever and ever Amen, Chelsea managed to get their hands on the Carling Cup. So we finally had to give up our trophy and let's face it, on current form we've not got much of a hope of landing another one this season.
Other than that, the only football news of note was that the three best teams in England (and therefore the world according to the ludicrously myopic sports journos in this country) lost out to an "average" Bayern Munich side, a Milan side who are "sterile without Shevchenko" and a Barcelona team who despite being the best football team in Europe at the moment are "easily undone at the back."
Frankly though, who cares? Not I.
Let's do this.....
"My head pops, a shoe drops."
You only need to look at Liam Gallagher, Richard Pryor or Pete Doherty to know that cocaine isn't good for you. Chief amongst its flaws is that it causes all sorts of aggression to those who come into contact with it. It comes as no surprise then that the boys from GAK were full of chutzpah ahead of their visit to the Riverside.
Leading the blizzard was their manager Walter Schachner, "We could have won 7-3," the former Austrian international striker raged. "We have a realistic chance of winning in Middlesbrough." Hot on Schachner's heels was GAK's captain Anton Ehmann. In a strange turn of events, the representative of GAK accused Boro of arrogance. "I hope Middlesbrough set out as arrogantly as they did in the first leg," Ehmann thundered, "They can't behave this way on the pitch."
But there, on the horizon, like a representative of the Betty Ford clinic, stands Steve McClaren, "I don't think we gave Graz any lack of respect while we were there," the Boro boss stated, using so many negatives that nobody was quite sure what he meant. "There is no complacency from our players, and if there is, we will knock it out straight away. It is the most dangerous thing of all in football." Well, besides GAK. Just ask Mark Bosnich.
"I've never met a chicken."
The Gods of irony were looking over the Riverside on Thursday night as Boro's least impressive performance in the UEFA Cup somehow led to their most important result. Goals from Jim Morrison and JFH were enough to secure Boro's place in the last sixteen where they will meet Sporting Lisbon.
With more European clean sheets to brag about than a eunuch's dormitory, it was a shock when Boro conceded just eight minutes into the match. Mario Bazina latched onto a pass from Rene Aufhauser and attempted to flick the ball over Mark Schwarzer. The Aussie keeper made the save but Gareth Southgate decided to tee Bazina up so that the Croatian could fire ball into the open net. It was amateur stuff.
After being played off the park for the first fifteen minutes, Boro finally managed to rouse themselves and leveled the score in the 19th minute through Morrison. An attempted pass by Joey Job diverted off the hapless Mario Tokic and into the path of Stewart Downing. Downing embarrassed Gernot Plassnegger and drilled a shot which Andreas Schranz could only tip into the path of Morrison who smashed a shot which threatened to break on through to the other side of the net.
It was well into the second before Boro struck again. Doriva Can't Pass attempted to prove me wrong by playing his first accurate ball of the season which allowed JFH to turn Tokic and fire his shot through the legs of the unfortunate Stranz.
Boro played out the rest of game with some comfort - I know it was nerve-wracking at the time but watch it again, the win was never in doubt - and secure a place in the last sixteen of their inaugural European outing.
"I guess I should take Prozac, right?"
Managers are all-too-quick to use the "we'll take each game at a time cliché". Not so Steve McClaren who, just minutes after the game against GAK, was already looking ahead to the last sixteen clash with Sporting Lisbon.
"Sporting are technically very good - Portuguese sides always are," McClaren pronounced, failing to notice that Jose Mourinho's Porto won the European Cup with a combination of putting eleven men behind the ball and blatant diving, "But the journey goes on for us, and we will now go to their magnificent stadium after the first game here - we'll look forward to it."
"La mort, c'est seulement la mort."
Obviously equating his recent England cap to some sort of coming of age experience, Stewart Downing has been in reflective mood this week. The 14-year-old wing wizard admitted that the summer signing of ComeOnBoro.com's Man Of The Year Boudewijn Zenden made him consider his future at Middlesbrough.
"We play in the same position and I though Bolo was certain to play ahead of me," Downing said, exhibiting the kind of self-confidence that are essential at the highest level. "I don't think I've made it with Middlesbrough yet, let alone England," the left-footed genius continued while fiddling with his 'I hate myself and I want to die' badge. Downing concluded by saying, "There's so much I've got to work on and if I don't perform for Boro, I know only too well that I will be out of the team." Blimey, you'd have thought his recent experiences with GAK might have given the lad some confidence.
"I met Ferdinand de Saussure on a night like this."
Boro versus Charlton means only one thing: nil-nil. Alright, that technically is two things, but bear with me. To add some spice to an affair that promised to be every bit as dull as the revelation that the Beckham's had given their child a silly name, Charlton's £4m wastrel Bryan Hughes warned Boro that Charlton would be out for revenge in their game.
"That is a game that hopefully we can take points from, like they did off us when they came down to The Valley and maybe get a bit of revenge," Hughes, whose performances this season suggest that poor sentence structure isn't his only fault, said to the Kentish Times.
Jonatan Johansson - who had just been interviewed about his missing cat - chipped in, "We are up there again, but it's always tough towards the end of the season." Offering an odd description of ninth place and a quarter of the season to go at the same time. Impressive.
"You could have belonged to Steve Earle or Charo or Gwar."
Boro had to come from behind twice (arf) to claim a point against Charlton on Sunday afternoon. The second equalizer was scored by 12-year-old Danny Graham, who claimed his first Premiership goal to salvage a point for Boro.
The biggest news came when Carlo Nash was announced in place of Mark Schwarzer. This means that he has finally played in his 150th league match. What are the odds that the monkeys at the BBC will forget to amend their pre-match text next week?
Matt Holland put the Addicks in front after fourteen minutes with a goal - like his winner at The Valley last season - that he didn't mean. Talal El Karkouri pumped an 80-yard ball up field for Shaun Bartlett to lay off for Charlton skipper Holland to drive home. The ball took a heavy deflection off Franck Queudrue before flying past Nash.
Szilard Nemeth - who replaced Job, despite the Cameroonian having his first good game for Boro this season on Thursday - had a series of chances to equalize but couldn't beat Dean Kiely. The Irishman also denied JFH.
The second-half was all Boro, and both Zenden and JFH narrowly missed the chance to level. A chance also fell to Chris Riggott and later, Kiely had to react quickly to deny Herman Hreidarsson from scoring an own goal. Eventually Boro got their equalizer when Chris Riggott stabbed home from four yards after Kiely parried Gareth Southgate's shot into his path.
Shaun Bartlett restored Charlton's lead with only ten minutes left. The South African fired home from ten yards after Queudure failed to cut out Hreidarsson's cross. However, with only two minutes left, Danny Graham looped a header over Kiely following a long ball from Queudrue, the 12-year-old received a kick in the face from Chris Perry for his trouble.
The Skinny
Overcoming GAK was a much tougher task than we'd anticipated. There's no question that we'll need to improve massively to defeat Sporting Lisbon. Still, it'll be good to have a kickabout in the stadium that the final is in. It should give us a chance to get used to the pitch and whatnot.
More importantly, though, can anybody remember the last time we played well in the league? It was on the 18th December when we thrashed Villa. Okay, we've beaten Norwich and Blackburn since then, but those results were more due to the opposition's total ineptitude than our brilliance.
So, with that in mind, who should appear next on our timetable? Well, none other than Aston Villa. Another 3-0 hammering would be very welcome.
And with that....
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