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THE JEDI ISSUE 7-3-05
Last year's Carling Cup Final featured plenty of controversy. Bolo Zenden struck his winning penalty twice, Mark Schwarzer gifted Kevin Davies a goal, Ugo Ehiogu committed blatant handball in the dying moments and George Boateng choreographed a dance routine not matched in its stupidity until this Saturday's UK Eurovision Song Contest selection affair.
However, none of the above could match the furore surrounding a Portuguese man putting his finger to his lips. That's right. Putting his finger to his lips! You can feel the very fabric of society unravelling, can't you? Lucky the police were there to send him back to the dressing rooms so he could watch the rest of the game on telly. I think we all had a lucky escape. Who knows what could've happened had such a maniac been left to his own devices.
Elsewhere, the Pinot Grigio was flowing on Monday night as Delia Smith made a complete tit of herself in front of a stadium full of Man City and Norwich fans and the seventeen people who tuned into the Sky Sports One to watch two eminently shabby teams play one another. Cringe worthy it certainly was, but there's little reason why the press had to vilify the poor dear.
Oh, and Jermaine Pennant was sentenced to three months in prison for driving an uninsured, untaxed vehicle that didn't belong to him, while drunk. Apparently, he's illiterate and couldn't read any of the literature that had been sent to him by the DVLA. Look Jermaine, it didn't work for Keith Miller and it won't work for you.
Let's do this.....
"Guitars can't help but sing."
It was Monday morning and one of England's most promising young strikers woke up with a sore noggin. He'd been kicked mercilessly in the head the following evening. No, we're not talking about James Beattie. This story concerns Danny "Golden" Graham. Chris "Linda" Perry's boot marks were still evident on the young striker's face as he held a press conference to discuss his heroics.
The 12-year-old striker was booted in the face by Perry as he headed the ball over Dean Kiely to score his first-ever Premiership goal. Graham admitted, "I didn't even know I had scored until someone told me." Strange perhaps, but given that he's spent time on the Rockcliffe training ground with Michael Ricketts, Massimo Maccarone and Malcolm Christie, it's hardly surprising that he doesn't know what a goal is.
Sensing that the assembled journalists would be interested in a rags-to-riches story, Graham went on, "I was playing non-league with Chester-Le-Street as a 17-year-old when I came to the game." I'd been working at a local carnival since I was five, he might as well have added. "Two years later I score my first Premiership goal and it's amazing. Two years ago I never ever thought I would be a footballer." Which will come to some surprise to Stewart Sherwood and his Chester-Le-Street outfit who presumably had not just employed him for his lion-taming abilities.
"You're a horse of course."
Regular readers will know that this column loves nothing more than a good will-they-won't-they love story. This week, the pair of inamoratos are Boro's 20-year-old shambling centre-half Andrew Davies and the walking advertisement for the West Guntry education system that is Ian Holloway. The defender made an excellent impression during a month-long spell with QPR earlier in the season and Holloway was keen to bring him back to Loftus Road on a permanent basis.
The week started badly for the couple as a QPR spokesman told an excited world that "A bid was placed for Andrew Davies. That was turned down by Middlesbrough." After a day and a half's worth of negotiation, a fee was agreed and off went Davies to agree personal terms and have a medical. Obviously disappointed with the lack of panache shown by the club spokesman, QPR Chief Executive Mark Devlin piped up, admitting that he was "hopeful that we can reach a positive conclusion to our discussions," but warning that, "I would be lying if I said the situation was straightforward, and I can confirm Andrew is unlikely to be a Rangers player this week."
Somehow, by Thursday the deal appeared to be dead after Davies snubbed QPR's wage offer. Ian Holloway was incensed that his nutty charm hadn't worked. "We're 5-0 down with a minute to go on this one," the forlorn kook sniffled to the press. "I think it's crazy. I don't know who is advising him because it's a fantastic offer we've made him. I rate him and we're the ones who want him," he concluded before having to go off and dry his eyes.
Holloway needn't worry as my good friends at www.lovecalculator.com reckon there's a whopping 87% chance of love between himself and Davies. Bless.
"I'm on a peace keeping mission to kick other country's asses."
With a dearth of good stories and with a bit of time on my hands, it's time for a visit the Boro's bristling treatment room to see what's going on with all our injured troops.
Recently admitted is Jim Morrison who has been ruled out for two months after undergoing surgery on a hernia complaint. The 13-year-old winger has been one of the stars of Boro's run to the last-16 in the UEFA Cup, scoring against Banik Ostrava, Partizan Belgrade and GAK. "James Morrison will be out for six to eight weeks," a club spokesman droned. "It is a bilateral sportsman's hernia, which was operated on yesterday." Chances that he'll back before the end of the season are five to one. Conveniently.
Meanwhile, in probably the least surprising news story of the week, Gaizka Mendieta has admitted that he will not rush his recovery from knee surgery. The 30-year-old Spaniard damaged his cruciate ligament back in October last year and has spent the months since his operation rehabilitating in restaurants in Valencia and Barcelona. He returned to Teesside this week for an assessment after reaching the halfway mark in his recovery schedule. "Obviously I would like to play this season, but it is too early to say," he told the Evening Gazette, despite having a mouthful of paella. "I want to play, but there is no point trying to play again until the knee is perfect." And the weather's better, he didn't need to add.
Elsewhere, Leslie Ash lookalike Michael Reiziger sustained a knee injury in training that may force him to miss a couple of games. His injury means that Tony McMahon will be recalled from his loan spell at the Burger King on Linthorpe Road.
"It was a devil's hootenanny."
In a desperate attempt to justify his £4.5mill salary, Sven Goran Eriksson was yammering away to anyone that will listen this week. The Swede spoke at length about Dave Parnaby's youth academy set up, proving that his mouth is good for more than offering excuses on bad England performances and tonguing his receptionist's weary flange.
"These are exciting times for Middlesbrough Football Club, the club has produced many exciting and talented young players in the past few years," Eriksson said, with an ebullience he usually reserves for saggy titted former weather girls. There was probably more, but I don't want to type it anymore than you want to read it.
"The fate of Kurt Cobain, junk coursing through his veins."
Martin "Samwise Gamgee" Laursen and Luke Moore scored their first-ever goals for Aston Villa as the West Midlands outfit dented Middlesbrough's hopes of European qualification.
Laursen - making his first start for six months - forced the ball over the line from barely three yards out in the 64th minute after Boro failed to clear a Nobby Solano corner. Moore made sure the points would stay in the West Midlands when he fired the ball high into the corner of the net after Carlo Nash could only parry Solano's fiercely-struck free-kick.
The first half was bereft of any quality from either side. Gareth Barry and Mathieu Berson had the best chances for the home side. Boro's only real opening came to JFH but Jlloyd Samuel managed to intervene. Samuel was also on hand to deny Szilard Nemeth the opportunity to shoot wide.
There was little improvement from Boro in the second half but Villa were beginning to carve out some chances. The best opportunity to break the deadlock fell to Nobby Solano who spectacularly missed from less than five yards out with no one guarding the goal. David Prutton and Kanu have some more competition for the miss of the season.
Gareth Southgate did well to challenge Lee Hendrie as the rat-faced knob was played through by a fortunate deflection. Laursen scored from the resulting corner, which had Boro been Manchester United and Villa Park Old Trafford, would not have counted.
Shortly after, Danny Graham missed Boro's best chance of the game after a neat exchange of passes with JFH. Any thoughts of a Boro fight back were short-lived though as Carlo Nash palmed a shot into Moore's path. The substitute doubled Villa's lead with minimal effort.
The Skinny
Uh oh. Here come the doom mongers. Okay, Boro haven't won in the league since 1905, but consider this: we lie sixth with nine games to go and are in the last 16 of the UEFA Cup, having only been beaten once and having thrashed the pre-tournament favourites. Would everybody have taken that at the start of the season? I think so.
Now, that doesn't justify the McClaren decisions not to start with Job, Nemeth or Graham up front with JFH on Saturday. With a defender as hapless as Martin Laursen (who had not played for six months), it might have been an idea to put him under as much pressure as possible. Graham's presence or Nemeth's movement would've done that. That said Doriva Can't Pass can be proud of his performance. One more game like that and I'll be forced to rescind the moniker I've given him. Everyone else should be ashamed of themselves, Downing and Parlour especially.
Sporting Lisbon are our next opponents. While our loss to Villa was disappointing, they fared even worse, losing 1-0 to Belenenses (nope, me either). Still, this is a team who, should they win their game in hand, are top of the Campeonato Nacional and will undoubtedly prove our toughest European test yet, with the possible exception of Villareal.
Will we best our Portuguese foes? Will George Boateng and Mark Viduka ever return to the squad? Will McClaren start the game with any strikers? Will Doriva play well for the third game in a row?
For the answers to all these questions and maybe more, tune in next week.
And with that....
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