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THE BLOW JOB ISSUE 14-3-05
With all the negativity floating around the Riverside lately, I gather that many are flocking to this column for a jolt of ill-advised positivity. Well, try this for size: Middlesbrough have outlasted Manchester United, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Arsenal in Europe this season. Not bad, eh? What's that? Bolton have crept ahead of us in the Premiership? Bugger.
Elsewhere, self-styled miracle worker 'Arry Redknapp managed to set the St. Mary's pitch on fire, but not even that was enough to get Southampton's mauling at the hands of Manchester United abandoned. Try locusts next time, you prick.
Even better was the sight of El Hadji Diouf being sent off for smacking Jens Lehmann in the mush. Now, I'm no fan of the David Hasselhoff look-a-like and if it was anybody else, I'd have let it go. But Diouf, you're a feckless cunt and you deserve no place on Earth, let alone a football pitch.
Let's do this.....
"Holes dug by little moles."
It was William Congreve during the first scene of his play 'The Mourning Bride' - you're welcome, culture lovers - who first coined the phrase, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." While the Leeds born playwright's words have filtered into the global consciousness, it became clear this week that the author of 'Love For Love' had never turned down the opportunity to play for QPR.
After Andrew Davies snubbed a permanent transfer to QPR last week, madcap boss Ian Holloway was left to fume to the QPR website. "We're trying to bring in players, but we want to make sure they're right for the club," and play for a bag of carrots and a lump of coal a week, he only half said. "He didn't play for Middlesbrough at Aston Villa. I wonder how he felt about that," Holloway mused. Probably better than he did by not playing out a 0-0 draw with Reading, this columnist suggests.
The story wasn't finished there though, and a couple of days and, no doubt, a couple of sedatives later, Holloway admitted that he had not given up hope of signing Davies. "If I can have him back on loan or permanently, I will, because he wants to come here," said Holloway, "Middlesbrough have made it clear he has no future there. I would be delighted to have him back - and the people who own the club actually wanted to buy him."
And you'd think that would be it, but no, the story proved to have more legs than a Tasmanian millipede. Just as Holloway thought his sweet talk had been enough to snare young Davies, Alan Pardew stuck his ample nose in. Holloway, though, wasn't finished and did what every shunned lover does. He brought family into it. "Andrew is close to his family," Holloway told a by now very bored journalist, "It's a life-changing decision. People don't understand what it means to move clubs. It's a big, big thing for a 20-year-old to move lock, stock and barrel to London on his own."
And that's all it took. Davies now looks all set to agree to a loan deal to take him back to Loftus Road until the end of the season. "I'm really looking forward to coming back down. I loved it here last time and I love the manager," the 20-year-old stopper said, proving, once again that www.lovecalculator.com is rarely wrong.
"They say Mary Magdalene had it real bad."
It was a foolish convention organiser who decided that Middlesbrough's Inaugural National Goalkeeping Evening Soiree (MINGES) should be held next door to the Street Fighter II Characters Assembly (no funny acronym, sadly) this past week.
As Mark Schwarzer, Carlo Nash, Bradley Jones and Ross Turnball left the undisclosed venue they bumped into Ryu, Dhalsim, Guile and Chun Li from Capcom's coin-op classic. The results, predictably, weren't good for the Boro foursome.
An errant yoga flame from Indian Rubber Man Dhalsim caused Mark Schwarzer to aggravate his knee injury, Ross Turnball broke his hand after trying to shield his face from a Spinning Bird Kick, a Dragon Punch from Ryu caused Carlo Nash a severe groin injury and Bradley Jones injured his back courtesy of a Sonic Boom from Guile.
Such fanciful nonsense left Steve McClaren without a single fit goalkeeper ahead of the game with Sporting Lisbon. Well, apart from untested David Knight, but given that McClaren said that, "We may be best off parking a bus in front of our goal," I'm not sure Knight should expect a starting berth anytime soon.
"An unfortunate end to your civil war."
With the threat of Anthrax now but a post 9/11 memory, Saddam Hussein imprisoned and Kim Jong Ill in hiding after being lambasted by Tre Parker's hilarious 'Team America', the Boro players lined up a whole new list of excuses for their shit form that has, if my memory serves, lasted since 1904.
Captain Gareth Southgate, whose form has been worst than most, was first up. "We brought players in but we also let players go in the summer so the size of the squad didn't increase." Given that the players released include Michael Ricketts, it's safe to say that the size of the squad drastically decreased. "We've also known that in an ideal world we could have done with a couple of extra bodies in January." Too many players have left. Check. Not enough players brought in. Check.
Just as it appeared that Southgate was scraping the bottom of the barrel with his incessant excuses about transfers, Honest Franck Queudrue popped up and levelled with the fans. "Maybe we have not concentrated so much on the league recently," the Frenchman brooded, "When we play we need to give at least 200% because I think we are not doing enough."
Of course, Steve McClaren then had to offer his reasons behind Boro's league run which has now seen them take three points from a possible 417. McClaren, attempting to justify his enormous wages, could only muster, "You can make all the excuses under the sun for it, but there were no real reasons." Besides the fact that we didn't get a shot on goal, we only played one striker and Carlo Nash was piss poor, he should've added.
"Slow as a glacier makes its way down to the Rhine."
Two late strikes, including the greatest goal ever scored, kept Boro's UEFA Cup hopes alive in a 3-2 home defeat by Sporting Lisbon on Thursday night.
While the game started poorly, Boro should've had a penalty inside the first five minutes when Stewart Downing was brought down in the area by Rogerio. Despite the appeals of the Boro fans and players, bottler ref Stefano Farino waved play on.
After that early scare, Sporting took control. Rodolph Douala carved out their first chance as his left-wing cross was headed over the bar by ex-barcode Hugo Viana. The impressive Douala then tested Schwarzer with a 30-yard-drive.
Sporting were more than able to deny Boro any meaningful possession during the first half and Boro were more than happy to punt the ball back to Sporting any time they won the ball back. It wasn't until the 41st minute that Boro had their first shot: a tepid 30-yard effort from Bolo Zenden.
The half-time break reinvigorated Sporting and they took the lead after 49 minutes when Pedro Barbosa expertly clipped the ball past Schwarzer. The Boro keeper saved excellently just three minutes later when he kept out Douala's fierce shot with his legs. But, by the 53rd minute, Sporting had doubled their lead. Douala's cross, so teasing it might as well have been pulling Schwarzer's hair and calling his mum a fat cow, was met by Liedson, who had little difficultly heading it home.
Meanwhile, Zenden was Boro's main threat. He fired a shot over the bar and saw a 20-yard effort draw a save from Ricardo. As Boro pressed forward, Sporting counter-attacked superbly and eventually made it three-nil. Schwarzer pulled off two fine saves to deny Viana and Liedson, but Douala was on hand to tap home from point-blank range.
Nemeth's drive on 68 minutes gave some indication that Boro hadn't completely given up. Then a sublime scissor kick from Joey Job got the home side on the scoresheet. Sensing that route-one might be the way to go, McClaren's side continually hoofed the ball in the final ten minutes. The amateur approach paid off; a hopeful punt into Sporting's 18-yard box was spilled by Ricardo and Chris Riggott reacted first to hammer home a volley.
"Six legs to stand on and two wings to fly."
Following the 3-2 thriller at the Riverside, both Steve McClaren and his opposite number Jose Peseiro have been mulling over the potentially explosive, but probably dull as dishwater (Sporting score early and sit on the lead, anyone?) tie at the Estadio Jose Alvalade next week.
Peseiro, obviously impressed by his failure to gel Luis Figo, Zinedine Zidane, Roberto Carlos and Ronaldo into a team that can win trophies, has contacted Carlos Queiroz for his advice on how to undo Boro. "I have asked Carlos for help," confirmed Peseiro, rendering the previous sentence all but useless.
Backing up his manager was Fabio Rochemback. Clearly seeing himself as the Portuguese equivalent of Larry David, Rochemback quipped, "I hope Middlesbrough enjoy their visit to Lisbon for the second leg but it will be the last chance they get to check out our stadium. There is one player that stands out in Middlesbrough's team and that is Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink," Rochemback politely added perhaps taking the term 'stands' too literally.
Having heard that Queiroz is masterminding Boro's downfall, Chris Riggott was rightly feeling positive about his team's chances. "We are back in it now," was his chatty synopsis. Desperate to prove his intelligence, Riggott was happy to point out what Boro need to do in the second leg, "We've got to keep a clean sheet," he said as Gareth Southgate was seen thumbing through the Sporting Dictionary for the term 'clean sheet'.
"Something to plug up this snorry mouth."
Being behind 12-year-old Danny Graham and 14-year-old Jim Morrison in the Boro pecking order is too much for Szilard Nemeth who has hinted that he might look for an exit from the Riverside during the summer.
"It is difficult to say if I will have to leave," the Slovakian striker told The Sunday Mirror, proving that his ability in front of goal is matched only by his taste in Sunday papers, "I still have another year on my contract and I'm happy here. It is important that I'm playing regularly up front," for whomever Boro happen to be playing against, he didn't add.
The Skinny
We were always going to struggle against a team as technically adept as Sporting. You only had to look at the way Villareal thrashed us to know that we were going to be on the wrong end of a hiding. So, what to do for the second leg. what to do?
Well, if Boateng and Viduka are fit, then they must play. Some fans are of the opinion that we shouldn't rush players back for a tie that is going to be difficult to win. Pah! You need your best players for the toughest games. Sure, it'll be hard, but we can win 2-0 in Lisbon. What's more, I've worked out the way to do it. We need a no nonsense team for what needs to be a no holds barred performance. Schwarzer in goal. McMahon, Southgate, Riggott and Queudrue at the back. Zenden, Doriva and Boateng in midfield. Job, Viduka and Jimmy up front. The three in midfield have to close the Sporting playmakers down quickly and not allow them to build up passing moves. The not-too-technical idea is to hit Mark, JFH and Joseph with long balls and hope we reap some reward. Giovanni Trappatoni would be proud.
Of course, after the trip to Lisbon comes the visit of 'Arry's Saints. Whatever happens on Thursday, that's a game we must win. With Liverpool, Charlton and Bolton all playing teams in the lower echelons of the league, if we have any ambitions of a top-six finish, we must win.
Will we overcome the Portuguese threat? Who will be the hero? What tricks will 'Arry try to pull to get out of a Boro led thrashing? Tune in next week.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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