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THE FRACTURED RIB ISSUE 4-4-05
The sun is shining and you know what that means. That's right, the girls' skirts get shorter and their tops get smaller. With such copious amounts of skin on display, who cares that Boro haven't won a game since 1806?
As for the football news, well, there were a couple of international matches last week, but since I'd rather spend my Sunday morning on the phone trying to get Glastonbury tickets than watch England play on a sunny Saturday afternoon or Wednesday evening, I won't comment.
Elsewhere, Chelsea, Jose Mourinho, Jose Mourinho Version 0.8 (Steve Clarke) and someone else have been charged with fibbing to UEFA about the meeting that wasn't between Frank Rijkaard and Anders Frisk and fined about 0.00003% of their total wealth. Mourinho has also been given a two match touchline ban meaning that he will have to communicate with his staff by a cunningly disguised headset. Look forward to the conspiracy theories, folks.
I know Lee Bowyer isn't renowned for his intelligence, but surely after two seasons at Newcastle, he'd have realised that, shock horror, some of his teammates are black. Not, of course, that this had anything to do with his brawl with Kieron Dyer. Because, as we know, Bowyer was 100% not guilty of beating up Sarfraz Najeib. I would suggest that he should be sacked by the club, but I can't help but feel that playing for a club that will be managed by Alan Shearer in a couple of years is a worse punishment.
Let's do this.....
"ABC, NBC, CBS: Bullshit."
Just three weeks ago, Middlesbrough had no fit goalkeepers and, in a bid to force him to prove his usefulness to the club, were considering tying Malcolm Christie to the goal frame in an effort to repel the opposition.
Suddenly, we're so well endowed in that particular position that Boro have sold Carlo Nash to Preston North End. Nash, who possesses the most glamorous Christian name in Lancashire, was looking forward to the move, telling Preston's official website that, "I was brought up in Bolton and spent a lot of my teenage years there... it's a great chance for me to come back to my roots, if you like."
Speaking of former Boro players (check out that seamless ligature), Juninho is heading back to Brazil after Celtic refused to add a child's seat to the bench at Parkhead. Manager Martin O'Neill confirmed the transfer that will see Juninho join Palmeiras within the week. "It is almost tied up and I think he has just a couple of loose ends to be sorted out," O'Neill said to the assembled journalists who had obviously drawn the short straw in their respective office straw-drawing games.
"We all are making money and we're all fucking alone."
Anybody watch any of the internationals this week? Thought not. In a bid to fill in the gaps of your global footballing knowledge, I present you with the following:
Mark Schwarzer played the full 90 minutes as Australia won 2-1 in a friendly against Iran. Anybody care? Thought not.
Joseph Job played the full 90 minutes of Cameroon's 2-1 win against Sudan. Sudan - ranked four places higher than Northern Ireland and nine better than Azerbaijan - aren't in possession of a particularly good defence. Nonetheless, Job wasn't on the scoresheet. Quelle surprise. Former Boro midfielder Geremi did break the deadlock for the Indomitable Lions however, before returning to play for Chelsea's reserves on Thursday. Probably.
Meanwhile, Stewart Downing might have been ignored in favour of a chav who doesn't even seem to realize that he's got a left foot, but Middlesbrough did have some players running around in the new Umbro England shirt. Josh Walker, Lee Cattermole and Andrew Taylor all turned out for the Under-16s, 17s and 19s respectively. All of which is news to me, because I haven't heard of any of them. Good work though, boys.
"You drink her sweat like it was wine."
With Bolton, Everton, Liverpool, Charlton and Spurs all threatening Boro's appearance in Europe next season, Boro have applied to enter the Intertoto Cup in the summer. So far only Newcastle and Crystal Palace (erm. why, exactly?) have put their names forward to compete with Boro for a place in the tournament which starts in about a week's time.
However, Keith Lamb is confident that Boro can qualify for the UEFA Cup via their league position. He told the Northern Echo that, "We still have an opportunity to make this one of the best seasons the club has ever had and we remain optimistic that we can finish in a European spot."
"Don't destroy yourself like those cowards do."
Middlesbrough and Everton have both been fined £8,000 (£1,600 more than Luis 'Thierry Henry is a black shit' Aragones) and warned as to their conduct following the little bit of shoving that erupted at their Riverside draw on January 16th.
Duncan Ferguson was just seconds away from receiving a five point palm exploding heart technique courtesy of black belt Bolo Zenden before shitting himself and attacking the innocent Colin Cooper instead. Proof, if any were needed, that he's not a big tough guy, just a cowardly pub footballer that somehow got a contract with a Premier League club.
A moribund statement on the FA's website read: "At a Disciplinary Commission hearing today, Middlesbrough FC and Everton FC were both severely reprimanded, warned as to their future conduct and fined £8,000." Therefore rendering my previous two paragraphs entirely redundant.
"I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open."
Franck Queudrue is ready to switch his international allegiance to the Republic of Ireland and has opened talks with Brian Kerr. It turns out that he has a copy of 'Rum, Sodomy and The Lash' in his record collection and can therefore play for Kerr's side. Alright, you got me. Actually, the defender, who was born in Paris and represented France at B level, has discovered that his grandfather was born in the Republic and with a call-up to France not looking likely, he is ready to follow in the recent footsteps taken by Fredi Kanoute and Deco.
"To be sure, I have spoken to Brian Kerr and I want to play, just for the craic y'know," Queudrue half-said at a press conference as he supped a pint of Guinness and flicked through 'The Complete Works Of Brendan Behan. "It has been confirmed that my grandfather, Paddy O'Queudrue, was born in the Republic."
"The sun came up with no conclusions, flowers sleeping in their beds."
Franck O'Queudrue headed a first-half winner at Selhurst Park as Middlesbrough breathed new life into their hopes of securing a place in Europe next season. Boro had taken just one point from their last 12,000 matches before Saturday and were in danger of being relegated to League Two, if you believe the doom mongers.
Boro welcomed Mark Viduka, George Boateng and Ray Parlour back into the team and immediately it was clear that Boateng and Parlour would display the fight and passion that has been sorely missed in recent games. Nonetheless, Palace started the game more brightly and two early chances fell to Andrew Johnson, but unfortunately for the squeaky-voiced striker, neither were from the penalty spot. There was bad news for Boro early on as Mark Viduka hobbled off after twelve minutes with a recurrence of the back injury that has put pay to most of his season.
Boro should have taken the lead after twenty minutes as Schwarzer's long clearance found JFH, who shrugged off Mark Hudson's challenge and rounded keeper Gabor Kiraly only to miss the open goal from an acute angle. It was the start of a poor afternoon for the Dutchman. Minutes later, Johnson somehow managed to hit the post with a twenty-yard drive. Surprising, given that his shot came from at least eight yards further out than the penalty spot.
Boro's goal came after 35 minutes. Stuart Downing floated a corner in from the left and O'Queudrue was able to leap unchallenged to nod home. The goal was followed by Boro's best spell and, after some good midfield work, they created an opportunity for a second as substitute Szilard Nemeth only had to square the ball to Bolo Zenden with the goal at his mercy. The Slovakian's poor pass was easily cut out. As with much of Boro's play, the whole thing was similar to a bout of herpes. The build-up was much more enjoyable than the end product.
Ever the ambitious young manager, Steve McClaren's second-half tactics were to hold onto the lead at any cost. So he replaced Zenden with Doriva Is A Squad Member after 55 minutes in an attempt to curtail any Palace attacks. While it meant that Boro were as fun to watch as the deterioration of Terry Schiavo, Palace's chances were kept to a minimum. Their only good opportunity came to Johnson. Somehow convinced that he can score from places other than the penalty spot, England's fourth choice right-winger had a header deflected to safety following a Wayne Routledge corner.
While Palace had much of the possession in the second half, McClaren's gameplan worked (just) and Boro left Selhurst Park with all three points.
The Skinny
George Boateng, how we've missed you. The guy is absolutely phenomenal. I think he made more tackles than the rest of our team combined. He still can't pass though. Middlesbrough's performance against Palace was solid enough and we didn't really look stretched. Riggott, O'Queudrue and Parlour were especially impressive. Our attack wasn't great though, especially after Zenden was substituted. However, a win was a must, and we got that.
We're not winning next Saturday, so we have to hope that Liverpool allow Stuart Pearce his first win at Man City and that Bolton can't beat a shitty Fulham side at home. It all seems a bit unlikely to me. Charlton are away at Portsmouth. And Spurs play host to Eight Man Newcastle and Everton play Palace at Goodison. See you in 8th place next week.
And with that....
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