|
|
THE CODEINE ISSUE 4-4-05
Another week, another period of farce from Jose Mourinho. Predictably, the Chelsea circus stole the headlines despite Liverpool putting on the best performance from an English club in Europe this season. Well, apart from Boro's trouncing of Lazio.
Of course, what with the Pope dying, Charles marrying Camilla and the Grand National, football didn't really get that much of a look-in this week. Probably the second biggest footballing story of the week - at least in terms of column inches - was Alex Ferguson admitting to making a mistake. Apparently he rushed Van Nistelrooy back too soon. Add that to the purchase of Kleberson, Djemba Djemba, Veron, Bellion and Saha.
Let's do this.....
"Stop buying your albums from the supermarket."
Franck Queudrue won't be playing for Ireland after all. It turns out that it was his Great Grandfather Seamus Paddy O'Queudrue and not his grandfather who is Irish and no amount of pretending that 'The Joshua Tree' is a good album will convince the FAI that he can play for them. Sacré bleu!
Queudrue's advisor Garry Thornton attempted to explain the whole thing by saying that, "Franck is a lovely man who always tries to be helpful and co-operative with people, but sometimes he does find strong accents a little difficult to comprehend." For those as bemused as me, Thornton continued, "He did an interview on television last week and the Irish question was raised, but he didn't quite understand what he was being asked. Unfortunately he won't get the chance to play for Ireland. The rules are there."
Obviously, that cleared nothing up, so it fell to a disappointed Queudrue to reveal the truth of situation, "Top o' the morning to ya, I am one generation out," he sobbed, "Flaming begorrah! I am very proud of my Irish ancestry, to be sure, but it's my great grandfather who was from Ireland and that's not enough for me to play."
"We've tried it a variety of ways, I've not slept in about four days."
In November, Stewart Downing was The Greatest Player In The Universe. Now he looks so washed up he could participate in ITV's 'Hit Me Baby One More Time.' Why? Well, it's because the 20-year-old is tired.
"I think everybody could see that my legs had gone at Crystal Palace on Saturday," Downing wheezed, "You can't play twice a week every week and always produce your best. It's impossible." Now that's an excuse that I'll certainly be using at work during the summer months.
Despite rivaling Mark Viduka in the knackered stakes, Downing is hopeful of inclusion in England's tour of America in May. "Hopefully I'll get called up to go to the States in the summer," he continued, "I want to stay part of the England set-up so it was great to be called up again." But aren't they due to play four games in two weeks? How will the young athlete cope with such an arduous schedule?
While Downing might find Boro's match schedule a little too testing, he is content to stay at his hometown club. "No, not really," Downing told the club's official website when asked if he would be tempted by an offer from Manchester United. "I would like to stay at the club. If they ever wanted to sell me I would have to go but I'd stay forever, me." Good lad, now stop being such a big girl's blouse and we can all get on with our lives.
"I just want to find a drug that works."
A trip to the medical wing of the Rockcliffe centre is next on our itinerary. So cue 'Suicide Is Painless' as we join Grant "Hawkeye" Downie, Gary "Trapper John" Henderson, David "Duke" French and Chris "Hot Lips" Barnes.
This week Bolo Zenden joined Gaizka Mendieta, Michael Reiziger, Jim Morrison, Anthony McMahon, Joseph Job, Ross Turnball, Malcolm Christie and Ugo Ehiogu on the massive treatment table. The foppy Dutchman was forced out of Boro's 1-0 win over Palace with an ankle injury and is likely to be out for three weeks.
Meanwhile, injury regular Mark Viduka has been ruled out for the rest of the season. The Australian lasted only twelve minutes against Palace last Saturday. "It's hugely disappointing for Mark and the club, but he won't play against this season," McClaren told the club's official website. "He has a major role to play for us next season." As a makeweight in the Yakubu deal, he didn't need to add.
Finally, Joseph Job has undergone a knee operation and will probably make a comeback before the end of the season. Job was injured as he tripped over his bootlaces while on international duty with Cameroon.
"Text in Top Shop."
Shorter skirts, more tittage, Britain's two-week fascination with tennis, Pimms and transfer rumours. That's the British summer for you. But hold on, unlike January, there's actually a chance that McClaren will conduct some business during the summer months. What all that means, is that I get to dust down my C.U.N.T. calculator and give you the lowdown on who Boro will be buying in the summer.
My calculations are incredibly scientific. I work out how credible, undoubted and negotiable a transfer is and then brand it with a juvenile acronym. All set? Let's commence.
The People have claimed that Boro have agreed a £1.5 million deal to sign Emanuel Pogatetz in the summer. The more eagle-eyed amongst you will recall Pogatetz from our UEFA Cup games against Grazer AK. However, Pogatetz's pimp is Bayer Leverkusen and the German's have shipped his ass to Spartak Moscow in search of more money. C.U.N.T. RATING: 5/10 - This columnist likes him just because his name reminds him of Pogs.
Elsewhere, slyly buried in between two adverts offering more text sex than I can handle, The Star has reported that Owen Hargreaves is a £3 million target for Spurs, Bolton and Boro. "I still have a yearning to play in the Premiership," the Canadian-Kraut said, clearly mistaking the word 'play' for 'run around like a headless chicken'. C.U.N.T. RATING: 3/10 - Every summer. every summer.
Lazy hacks everywhere have clearly been watching The Sound Of Music this week, because The Star has also linked Boro with a summer move for an Austrian grafter. Boro's chief scout Don McKay watched as Rene Aufhauser scored the winner for Austria against Wales last week. Reports suggest that Aufhauser could move to the Riverside for as little as £1 million. C.U.N.T. RATING: 6/10 - Whilst him and Ray Parlour didn't look like the best of friends during the clash with GAK, he looked like quite a good player.
Finally, according to Sky Sports News, Villarreal have conceded that they won't be able to keep Juan Roman Riquelme at El Madrigal. Barcelona - who own the player - no longer require the services of the 26-year-old and will hope to recoup some of the £7 million they paid Boca Juniors for him. Newcastle (well, until Bowyer finds out that he's a foreigner) and Boro will fight it out for the Argentine's signature. C.U.N.T. Rating: 4/10 - Oh, who cares?
"Hang around with Axl Rose, buy myself some brand new clothes."
Robert Pires' second-half goal gave Arsenal a 1-0 win at Middlesbrough. His 73rd minute goal was enough for the visitors as they claimed a seventh consecutive win and left Boro without a home win since 5th February 1725.
Ten players on the treatment table was obviously not enough for Boro and Zenden, Viduka, Ehiogu et al were joined by Mark Schwarzer after he injured his back in the warm up. Stewart Downing could have joined them after a disgusting lunge from Lauren in the first minute. Get yourself a man's name, Lauren. You big poof.
Both sides were wasteful in possession early on and it was Boro who had the best chances in the first period. Squad Player Doriva's 21st minute shot clipped the angle of post and bar, whilst Szilard Nemeth's lethargy destroyed a great build-up between Stuart Parnaby and Ray Parlour. Parlour was rightly annoyed with the Slovakian's crappiness.
Arsenal improved massively in the second half as Dennis Bergkamp replaced the rubbish Jose Reyes. Whilst the Gooners dominated possession, they still weren't troubling Brad Jones. Their goal, when it came, was the result of a fortunate deflection. Queudrue's clearance hit Doriva and fell straight into Robert Pires' path who drilled the ball past Jones to break the deadlock.
JFH had a chance for a late equaliser, but his attempt to lob Jens Lehmann fell easily into the hands of the David Hasselhoff lookalike. Jimmy, you have the hardest shot in the Premier League, don't muck around next time.
The Skinny
Well that was certainly closer than the 4-0 drubbing we're used to against Arsenal. And those negativity mongers who predicted a trouncing weren't counting on the difference George Boateng makes to proceedings. And, at the time of writing, we're still in seventh place. Not too shabby, if you ask me.
We don't have a game next week, so that should be enough time to give Stewart Downing the rest he needs. When we finally kick-off again, it's against a poor Fulham side who will surely be trounced at La Riv. Surely?
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
|
|
|
|
