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THE PROMOTION ISSUE 18-04-05
Sporting Lisbon 4 - 1 Newcastle United.
Manchester United 4 - 1 Newcastle United.
Enough said.
Let's do this.....
"Hope there's someone who will take care of me when I die."
Bad news for all the anti-McClarenists amongst you - because Tony Mowbray or John Gregory would be much, much more progressive - the Boro chief is ready to commit his long-term future to the club. "If I wasn't ambitious and wasn't 100 per cent behind this club, then I wouldn't have spent the past few weeks talking about these plans," said McClaren, cunningly forgetting about his plan to walk out on Boro for Leeds three years ago.
"I'm looking forward to the future. I only have one personal ambition and that is making Middlesbrough successful." Managing England and getting a tit-wank from Lucy Pinder, he didn't need to add. In an attempt to negotiate himself a more handsome contract, the brick-topped smarmer even proposed a plan for success next season. "We need more [players] in the 24 to 28-year-old age bracket," he bravely declared. So expect Teddy Sheringham, Stanley Matthews, Dennis Norden and Pope John Paul II in the red shirt next season.
"And I find a Hitler in my heart."
Brad Jones has signed a new two-year deal that ties him to the club until the end of the 2006-07 season, proving that beating Fulham and Notts County and losing to Arsenal in five years is enough to secure a new contract at The Riverside nowadays.
"Now that Jones has signed a new deal, McClaren's to-do list simply reads, 'look smug and get George Boateng to sign a new contract'.
He's only played two games for the club this year, but two terrific performances have reminded the Boro boss that Boateng is the club's most important player and the only midfielder able to tackle. "George has been a great success," said McClaren of the Dutchman who has only a year left on his current deal, "He enjoys it here and that's why we're starting to talk."
However, while one half of Boro's Dutch central midfield looks set to extend their tenure on Teesside, the other looks like he might be leaving as PSV Eindhoven are plotting to bring Boudewijn Zenden back to his homeland. Werder Bremen have also been linked with a summer move for Zenden, who is likely to become as coveted by European clubs as Robert Kilroy Silk's blood is by Britain's immigrant population.
"Did someone mention a rapture?"
If the letters 'U', 'T', 'C' and 'N' offend you, please look away now. It's time for me to grab my C.U.N.T. calculator and do some sums.
As long-time readers will know, my calculations are incredibly scientific: I work out how credible, undoubted and negotiable a transfer is and then brand it with a juvenile acronym. All set? Let's commence.
According to Sky Sports, Boro are linked with sulky Deportivo La Coruna hitman Walter 'The Rifle' Pandiani. His current loan contract with Birmingham only lasts until June, by which time you would expect a player with such a high pedigree to be fed up of playing for a lower mid-table shower. With the chance of a return to Depor as unlikely as Charles Kennedy becoming Prime Minister, Boro may be in with a shot.
C.U.N.T. RATING: 5/10 - If the Yakubu deal falls through, you never know.
Manchester United's fifth choice midfield clogger Darren Fletcher is set to move to Middlesbrough in a season long loan deal according to The Sun. The fact that the Scotsman is stuffed behind Roy Quinton Fortune and Phil Neville in the United pecking order like an ugly child in a wedding photo would be enough to put most people off, but Steve McClaren is having talks with United over the 21-year-old's availability.
C.U.N.T. RATING: 6/10 - Though I doubt Ferguson will let him leave, that McClaren/United link might mean there's something to this story.
And finally, another story from Murdoch Inc. Boro are said to be interested in a move for Espanyol striker Raul Tamudo. Portsmouth have also fluttered their eyelids at the Spanish hitman, but he's said to favour a move to Ligue 1 also-rans Monaco.
C.U.N.T. RATING: 2/10 - Tamudo is at least 17 times too good to play for Boro.
"Yes, so Cripple-Pig was happy."
Toss another shrimp on the barbie, Middlesbrough's sulky, perpetually injured roster of Australians, has become one stronger in number this week as Welsh sounding but Australian as Rolf Harris Rhys Williams joined the club on a three-year-deal.
Williams joins Boro from the hilariously named ECU Joondalup. You'll no doubt remember that Boro offered Nick Ward a trial back from the same club back in 2003. Or perhaps you won't. Anyway, Williams was delighted with the move, telling assorted journalists, "It's bonza, mate, I reckon. McClaren's just signed me this arvo and I'm stoked to be here. Fair dinkum." Actually, he may not have said any of that.
"I feel your fist and I know it's our love."
Stewart Downing has been nominated for the PFA Young Player Of The Year award, an award which, presumably, doesn't take into account performances since November. Nonetheless, well done, Stewey.
Downing faces stiff competition from stocky granny worrier Wayne Rooney, fleet of foot enemy of dentistry Cristiano Ronaldo, the only good thing about Ian Wright Shaun Wright-Phillips, wouldn't know a pass if it hit him in his goal hanging face Jermaine Defoe and the man set to replace John Hartson as the face of the Advanced Hair Studio Arjen Robben.
The Skinny
Newcastle's thrashing capped a fairly decent weekend for Boro. The draw between Liverpool and Spurs was great and though it would've been useful if Villa hadn't beaten Southampton, this columnist hates 'Arry Redknapp so much that he can't help but have a big smirk on his face as he types this. Bolton's flukey victory over Charlton was the only annoyance, but even that means that the Addicts remain behind us in the race for 7th place.
We must see off a floundering Fulham team on Tuesday if we are to make good on the potential of a European place. We surely will, won't we?
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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