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THE EMPIRE ISSUE 02-05-05
Three months after they won the title, Chelsea have been crowned Premiership champions. Perhaps now pundits can stop pretending that this was anything but the dullest title race for a decade and concentrate on the fascinating clash for Premiership survival and, more importantly, the battle for 7th place. Given that the next three games that are being shown by Sky involve Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United, perhaps not.
Elsewhere, "The Biggest All-English Game For Ever AND EVER. AMEN" (thank you, Sky Sports) took place on Wednesday. Of course, the footballing world couldn't find the superlatives to describe the excitement created by, erm. three shots on target. Frankly, Boro's performance against Villareal filled me with more joy. It was that bad. Let's just hope Garcia, Gerrard or Riise manage to hit one sweet volley on Tuesday night and save us the agony of extra time, penalties and an insipid Mourinho touchline jig.
Let's do this.....
"I can see a fireside turn blue."
Following interest from Paris Saint Germain and Liverpool, part-time Frenchman Franck Queudrue has insisted he wants to stay on Teesside. An interview appeared in leading French football publication But! - a magazine which is one letter away from gaining a subscription from me - that he would consider moving to bolster his international ambitions.
When grilled, Queudrue - like Tony Blair on the Question Time special - simply insisted that he was misquoted. "I was talking to one of the French papers and the reporter asked me if I thought I hadn't been selected for France because I wasn't playing for a club which was very well known in France," he rambled in an unusual Irish/French brogue which might explain these translation problems he keeps having.
"He asked me if I thought I would have a better chance if I was playing for a club like Liverpool or Manchester United, or Paris St Germain, who get headlines every week in France," Queudrue continued, "I admitted that I would." Franck, if you want more headlines just grab yourself a bottle of peroxide and change your hair colour. What's that you say? Oh.
"I live in America with a pair of Payless shoes."
Steve McClaren earned his first point for Boro at St. James' Park as Newcastle United and Middlesbrough played out a goalless draw on Wednesday night.
Kieron Dyer, starting in tights due to his homosexuality, sorry hamstring problems, was Newcastle's main attacking threat down the left flank. Though it was JFH who had the first chance, Dyer continued to cause Andy Davies problems but a lack of support meant that most of his attacks were snubbed out.
After half an hour, Dyer was forced off after a ladder appeared in his hosiery and Shola Ameobi was brought on. Ameobi should've scored just after his introduction but his header from Darren Ambrose's corner dropped wide.
Boro should've taken the lead seconds into the second half. A great move down the right flank saw Ray Parlour pull a cross back to the edge of the area, JFH left it for Nemeth, but the Slovak - who had already reached his quota of one good performance per season - dragged his shot inches wide.
Boro were the better side in the latter stages and a wonderful ball over the top from Doriva found JFH whose extravagant chip failed to test Shay Given. Jimmy, it cost us a point against Arsenal and it cost us three against the mags. Stop trying to chip goalkeepers. You've got the hardest shot in the Premier League. Put your foot behind it, and the welly the fucking thing.
The chance appeared to spark Newcastle back to life and they forced a succession of corners. Charles N'Zogbia hit the side netting from one of them and Brad Jones made an excellent save to deny James Milner. With about ten minutes to go Southgate clashed heads with Alan Shearer, creating a wound almost as grizzly as Sonia from Eastenders'.
Right at the death, Newcastle should have won it. Shearer squared for N'Zogbia but he somehow managed to fire over. For 'somehow', read 'because he is rubbish.'
"Saginaw. Saginaw."
Some might say that 15 stone is not an ideal weight for a footballer given the frenetic pace with which today's matches are played. Some might also say that a guaranteed weekly salary of £30,000+ is not an incentive for a player to rush back from injury. Completely unconnected to this prelude comes news that Mark Viduka won't play again for Boro this season.
However, the Aussie hitman wants to make it clear that he's not milking the injury, God forbid. "I had a back and hamstring problem at Leeds but the injury I have at the moment is entirely separate from that," he fumed to Sky Sports News. "This one is simply a torn hamstring and the two injuries are not related." Protesting too much, methinks.
Viduka then surprised everyone when he admitted, "I cannot see any way I shall be back before the end of the season, although I am working hard on my fitness now. You can never say never but one thing I am certain of is that I will be 100 per cent fit and raring to go when we report for pre-season training." With Yakubu almost certain to sign during the summer, that's a bet I'd willing to take him up on.
Meanwhile, Steve McClaren summed up the situation far better than I could as he told journalists, "Mark has been a massive loss for us." For once, the man speaks the truth.
"Abraham, worth a righteous one."
Rumours have persisted this week that Boro would be willing to swap Stewart Downing for rat-faced gobshite Craig Bellamy. "It's the first I have heard of it," Souness told Sky Sports News. You'd have thought Souness would relish the chance to sign a new player to fall out with.
All this transfer talk has been followed by, you guessed it, the news that Middlesbrough are to open contract talks with Downing. However, Downing's agent Ian Elliott claimed to have no idea about the link with the skunks. "The first I heard of any talk about Stewart and Newcastle was on the television last week." Minutes after he'd fed Sky Sports the story in an attempt to fleece Steve Gibson for a few more quid, one assumes.
And in news that will surprise no one, it was announced a day later that Boro have opened fresh contract talks with Downing. "Stewart signed a new four-and-a-half year deal last season and is very happy at Middlesbrough and happy to stay until they tell him otherwise," Elliott mumbled as he shoveled beluga caviar into his mouth with a folded £50 note. "But he's had an exceptional year so we're in the early stages of talking about lengthening his existing deal. And making sure I'm paid more, Manchester United are interested in him, you know," he may as well have added.
"Our Grandpa bought us a new VCR."
Boro moved a step closer to Uefa Cup qualification with a 1-1 draw at Anfield on Saturday afternoon. Meanwhile, the draw leaves Liverpool three points behind Everton in the race for a Champions League spot.
Boro made a dream start after JFH chested the ball into the path of Szilard Nemeth and the Slovakian striker shrugged off a half-assed challenge from Mauricio Pellegrino before curling his shot beyond Jerzy Dudek.
While Liverpool had most of the possession, only John Arne Riise was proving remotely threatening. The Norweigan forced Brad Jones to save on 28 minutes with a fierce volley from the edge of the box. He tried again on 31 minutes, but this time he shot wide. Not wishing to be outdone, Doriva saw a dangerous 20-yard drive fly just over. The resulting corner caused chaos in the Liverpool box, but Dudek eventually managed to hold the ball.
Jones was forced to deny Luis Garcia straight after the break after the diminutive Spaniard met Steve Finnan's cross with a powerful header. Liverpool drew level on 52 minutes with a hit-it-and-hope effort from whining, foreheadless scouser Steven Gerrard.
The goal lifted Liverpool and suddenly they found themselves with more up front than Kirstie Allsopp. Fernando Morientes and Garcia both had good chances and Harry Kewell remembered how to kick a ball and tested Jones twice in quick succession. Some impressive defending from Ugo Ehiogu and Gareth Southgate ensured Boro left Anfield with a share of the spoils.
The Skinny
Fucking Spurs. Just when you think we've done alright by nicking a point off the scousers, they blow Villa away five fucking one. I'm not usually one for reactionary hyperbole, but next Saturday's game against Spurs is a season defining one. McClaren better have the boys ready.
Our other two rivals for seventh spot (that's Man City and Villa) also play each other at 3pm next Saturday, which all in all, makes it a pretty Goddamn, fucking huge weekend of football. Catch the fallout here. Same time, same place.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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