|
|
THE INNOCENT ISSUE 9-05-05
There was good news for every team in the Premiership this week. The presence of Sunderland and Wigan amongst England's football elite and Blackburn next season means a guaranteed twelve points for everybody. With that kind of head start, Bryan Robson might just be able to keep a team up.
Of course, the biggest - and, invariably, therefore the most boring - game of the week came at Anfield as Liverpool managed to bore Chelsea into oblivion. While most pundits were reluctant to acknowledge that Chelsea without Robben and Duff are so impotent that not even a post-Celebrity Wrestling shower with Victoria Silvstedt could rouse them, Luis Garcia's non-goal allowed Andy Gray to show off his latest piece of technological nonsense: a Virtual Reality skit developed by an Israel missile manufacturer. With such enlightened use of the weapons of war it's no wonder Charles Kennedy's policy of reducing the defence budget only gained him nine new seats.
Let's do this.....
"Brass Monkey, St Ides, Old English and Guinness Stout."
According to Santa Barbara District Attorney Tom Sneddon, Michael Jackson has an insatiable appetite for young boys. It's starting to appear that Steve McClaren may very well feel the same [careful - mildly concerned ed], but in a very, very different way [that's better - relieved ed]. With Danny Graham, James Morrison and Tony McMahon all impressing this season, Steve McClaren has tied Adam Johnson to a new contract. What's more, he didn't need arcade games, pornography, wine and a monkey to do it.
Johnson, who is just seventeen years old, was rumoured to be interesting Liverpool, despite the fact he was born over 1,000 miles away from Spain. Johnson made his senior debut this year with a substitute appearance against Sporting Lisbon. "I am delighted that Adam Johnston is signing his first professional contract with us," said McClaren, rounding off this story nicely.
"But sweet Jesus, who wants to sleep with me?"
Andrew Davies' attempts to monopolise the inches of column continued unabated this week with the revelation that he wants to stay at the club. The 20-year-old's future at The Riverside looked bleak after he joined QPR on loan in March, however Davies was recalled a fortnight ago to ease the ongoing injury crisis.
"I would be really upset to leave because I'm from Teesside and Boro are the team I've always supported. I've learned a lot playing The Championship for QPR and was grateful for the chance to play regular football," he said, outlining his credential under the mistaken belief that Bryan Robson is still Middlesbrough manager.
"The gaffer hasn't said anything to me since I came back, but putting me in the team shows that he wants to involve me." Either that, or with Chris Riggott, Ugo Ehiogu, Tony McMahon, Stuart Parnaby, Colin Cooper and Michael Reiziger injured, he simply hasn't had a choice.
"Cuz I'm a G to the r-e-m-l-i-n."
Stewart Downing has been named Middlesbrough's Player of the Year by his teammates. The 20-year-old, whose good form ended in November, polled 65% of the votes ahead of Bolo Zenden and Franck Queudrue to succeed Doriva. "It's a great honour at the end of a great season for me," a smug Downing beamed. "At first it was just a bonus to get in the team, but there have been so many fantastic memories, especially winning my first cap."
Spotty full back Tony McMahon was also honoured ahead of Saturday's game when he was presented with the Young Player of the Year award after receiving a 69% share of the vote from his colleagues. Downing, bizarrely, came second in that poll, showing that the electoral system used is as flawed as the first past the post system the rest of the UK uses. Fresh-faced winger Jim Morrison came third.
More importantly of course, the ComeOnBoro.com Player of the Season will be announced following the final game of the season.
"God would never kill Johnny Cash."
Middlesbrough regained the initiative in the race for UEFA Cup qualification after Dutch choreographer George Boateng's deflected goal gave them a 1-0 win at La Riv.
Remembering that they're actually a very good team, Boro were the more adventurous side in the opening stages with Bolo Zenden and Stewart Downing causing all kinds of problems for Spurs. The recently rejuvenated Szilard Nemeth was unfortunate to see a third minute shot come back off the crossbar and he certainly should've scored after 11 minutes when Zenden picked him out. However, the Slovakian managed to square the ball to Boateng whose first-time effort, with the help of a Ledley King deflection, flew past the wrong-footed Radek Cerny.
Downing saw a 40th-minute shot fly just wide, but by that point, Steve McClaren's natural inclination to make his team defend had taken over. The second half began with Spurs showing much more ambition. A 50th-minute freekick from Jermaine Defoe caused panic in the Boro area, but the ball was eventually cleared. Robbie Keane forced a good save from the returning Mark Schwarzer as Tottenham began to dominate and Ledley King glanced a header over the bar just two minutes later.
As the clock wound down, Boro began to exert their authority again and JFH and Downing both forced Cerny into good saves. JFH missed again before the end and Nemeth fired wide in injury time.
The Skinny
Honestly, I think I preferred it when Boro were guaranteed to finish between ninth and fourteenth and lost their last four every season. My heart can't take this kind of anxiety. Whilst it's still possible that we'll finish ninth, a clean sheet at the City of Manchester Stadium will guarantee us UEFA Cup football next season. We've conceded just one goal in our last four matches - a run that coincides with the return of our premier centre-back pairing or injury-prone has-beens, depending on your viewpoint, Ehiogu and Southgate - so the omens are good.
So, with one game to go, we're in control of our European destiny. It turns out that this McClaren isn't such a bad manager after all, eh?
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
|
|
|
|
