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THE SITH ISSUE 23-05-05
After being turned-down more often than a former Hollyoaks actor on Celebrity Love Island, Malcolm Glazer managed to grab 75% of shares of the soon-to-be-named Manchester Red Devils earlier this week.
At least the foolish twats who have been marching around with their 'MUFC Not For Sale' signs are now accurate, since it's now a private, Glazer-owned, concern. Jules Spencer, Chairman of the Independent Manchester United Supporters Association claims that they will, "form a new club which will continue the traditions and heritage and the legacy of 125 years of Manchester United." So a club based in Berkshire which sulks when it doesn't get it's own way it is then.
Speaking of the Red Devils, Saturday afternoon bore witness to a virtual remake of the 1991 European Cup Final which, you may recall witnessed Marseille batter Red Star Belgrade for 120 minutes only to lose on penalties because their goalkeeper had fallen asleep having had nothing to do for the duration.
For The San Nicola Stadium, Bari read The Millennium Stadium, Cardiff. For Marseille read Manchester United and for Red Star Belgrade read Arsenal. Arsenal should be forced to give the trophy back to the FA until they're man enough to turn up and play the game properly. The whole thing was a shambles.
Let's do this.....
"Behind your tonsils, peaking over your molars."
£7 million is a lot of money, enough to buy four million strawberry and banana Innocent smoothies, in fact. However, it's clear that Steve Gibson doesn't share this writer's love of the sublime 100% fruit drinks as he spent the same amount of money on Yakubu Aiyegbeni just this past Monday.
The transfer fee may seem to be as inflated as the player himself, but the reason for that is Yakubu's former club Maccabi Haifi are owed a pound of flesh and, let's face it, Yakubu has plenty to spare. Anyway, jokes about his weight aside, Boro's players were impressed with the signing.
Gareth Southgate reckoned that, "any addition of that caliber is going to improve the squad." While Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, no doubt delighted that he's got another strike partner who will do his running for him, said, "I think it's a great signing for the club."
The 22 year-old Nigerian, who scored thirteen league goals for Portsmouth this season, will be unveiled on 1st July, which should give Errea enough time to produce a pair of shorts big enough for his massive arse.
"And if you kiss somebody, then both of you'll get practise."
As predictable as The Farm is embarrassingly bad, the summer's transfer rumour mill has begun in earnest. In an effort to be more family-friendly, you won't be seeing the crass acronym we used to use. No, we'll just hit you with the gossip and be done with it.
For the eighth time in the last three months, Middlesbrough are reckoned to be pursuing Austrian full-back Emanuel Pogatetz. One would assume that Boro's budget for scouting has been slashed and Don MacKay and his team can only watch players who Boro have played against as they are also monitoring Rene Aufhauser.Both the aforementioned Austrians played for Grazer AK, you might remember.
Pogatetz (an anagram for 'topaz get') is owned by Bayer Leverkusen but has followed a loan spell at Grazer AK with a stay at Spartak Moscow, which would suggest that Leverkusen are pretty keen on selling him. The purchase of a new left-back is seen as a high priority for McClaren who needs cover for the nine games that Franck Queudrue will miss through suspension.
"Crispy, crispy Benjamin Franklin came over and babysat all four of my kids."
As a child, I once put my hand in a fire. It was an act that I never repeated. As a grown-up I once searched Google Images for Tubgirl (don't blame me if curiosity gets the better of you). Again, I learned my lesson and never returned to that depraved image. The term "once bitten, twice shy" clearly means nothing to Bryan Robson, who, according to Sky Sports, is plotting to buy Szilard Nemeth for a second time.
You'll recall that Nemeth was Robson's last purchase before departing The Riverside and he's hardly set Teesside alight since. Despite another slipshod season, the Slovakian did manage to score twice against Robson's West Bromwich Albion side in April. It must've been the only Boro game that Robson watched because Nemeth was pretty awful the rest of the time.
It seems likely that Nemeth will leave the Boro during the summer as he is now behind Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Mark Viduka, Yakubu Aiyegbeni, Malcolm Christie, Danny Graham, Gladys the tea-lady, Joseph-Desire Job, Massimo Maccarone and John Hickton in the queue for a place in the starting line-up.
"But I'm a pizzaterian so it's a frozen pizza pie."
Good news for the fifty-four million English people in the world. Steve McClaren won't be bringing his special brand of getting a draw at all costs to the national team any time soon.
Rumours have persisted this week that McClaren's insistence on a get-out clause should the England job become available is what's delaying his new contract at The Riverside. However, McClaren denied this on Wednesday. "I would never negotiate a contract with a get-out clause," McClaren told the club's official website, conveniently forgetting this dalliances with Leeds United in the summer of 2002.
"It's flattering to be linked because I must be doing something right," he blushed, as he cheeks became turned an even more vermilion hue than usual. "I've said all along, it's not driven by myself, Sven or this club."
"The chairman has allowed me the freedom to make mistakes, to get things wrong," McClaren continued as pictures of Massimo Maccarone, Alan Wright, Tony Vidmar, Ricardinho and John Eustace race through the mind of every Boro fan.
The Skinny
Congratulations to Steve Gibson, Keith Lamb and Steve McClaren for sorting out the purchase of Yakubu with great haste. Far too often have Boro been punished for their laissez faire attitude to transfers. In fact, two additions in January might well have landed Boro fourth spot.
It remains to be seen whether Yakubu will justify the hefty transfer fee and many have drawn parallels with the transfer of Massimo Maccarone. However, Yakubu has already proven himself in the physically tough surroundings of the Premiership whereas Maccarone had only excelled in the less combative environs of Serie B. He undoubtedly has the pace that Boro have lacked all season. I'm sure he'll do well.
Anyway with just over ten weeks remaining until the start of the new season, expect plenty more transfer gossip and rumour. The only place you'll read about it all is this very column. Probably.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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